I found help via an online support forum. There was a lot that went into my process of healing. Looking back at my writing now, I can see so clearly the various stages and the ups and downs. There is a lot to be said about the process itself…this was one of my earlier writings, perhaps mid-way through the process. It is my feeling, that Anger is very much a part of this process and it is crucial that survivors allow themselves to feel this feeling – not to cling to it, but to PURGE it, and it is essential they find a safe place to get it out…stifling it makes us sick and prolongs the suffering. It has to be released in order to heal and let go…anger is not a feeling to be ashamed of…the creator gave it to us, just like every other emotion – learning to tame it is perhaps one of the greatest challenges I’ve had to face, but I look back on the experience having learned so much…I am grateful.
This particular blog post may piss a number of people off and I will humbly admit and preface this post by saying, I do not have any conclusive evidence of what I am about to rant about. It has not been proven by concrete evidence – just as many other theories have not been proven. Nonetheless, I feel very passionate about the blame game that seems to invade a lot of recovery boards, and to the best of my knowledge – that is not something that is supported at This Forum.
It is my feeling that a disordered relationship with a narc has nothing to do with “addiction” of the victim, or any other closely related theory. This is a situation where you were targeted by a predator and your blame is about as equal to that of a rape victim who deserved what she/he got simply because he or she was at the wrong place at the wrong time. Simple as that.
If one is to truly heal, one does that by accepting that they were a victim of a predator, not by trying to find a reason for why they were targeted, or what about them made them susceptible. If you research Addiction, you will note that the cure rate in such 12 Step Programs has been statistically reported at a stellar 5%. If you wish to challenge this, feel free to private message me and I will gladly point you to my sources. This is the one statistic I can verify.
For anyone who has found recovery through a 12 Step Program – God Bless You! I am glad that you have and are here to celebrate life; however, you also had a significant hand in your recovery, it wasn’t the magic of the program. It was your willpower and peer support that got you there, not necessarily the slogans and other distorted thinking that appears to be enmeshed in their program. The philosophies and “tuff love” may have helped initially, but years later it is not the program or the slogans that keep you clean, it is YOU.
I personally have a challenge with any program that serves to brainwash me, and have me believe I am powerless. A program that has me believe that I will FOR life be a “Fill in the blank with your label.” If I were to buy into that philosophy, then I’d have to stand here today and profess I’ll always be a VICTIM. I may have been powerless over my victimization, but I certainly am not to blame, nor will I accept blame for not being able to see a Mental Illness in an individual that even the Psychiatric industry has been left dumbfounded, exploited and abused by. An illness that has left Mental Health professionals washing their hands of such mental depravity. I will not own blame for that. I will however heal and learn how to spot such a sick individual moving forward. I will also look back and say “I ONCE was a VICTIM, but I am now a SURVIVOR.
Those of you who are familiar with my story, I was involved with a Narcissist who had a PAST history of Addiction. Initially, all his slogans and truisms appeared to be rays of light and wisdom. It was only after he mercilessly shifted his “stinking thinking” onto me in the form of fucking with my head, invalidating me, gaslighting me, passive aggressively dealing with issues, doling out intermittent reinforcement, failing to keep his promises or even thinking he was obligated to make any – engaging in emotional neglect and covert contempt did I one day begin to think that perhaps there was something “A little off” with this picture.
In a previous post, I shared the Happiness of my Anniversary – that fateful day where I learned he was having a virtual sexfest with some chick in Lancaster, PA. I will forever hold the Amish in contempt for harboring such a specimen – and I say that in jest but in some ways, I’d like to think his actions were the greater insult, until my eyeballs were not once but twice assaulted by the sheer aesthetic horror of the victims he now chooses. The Lancaster PA biddy looked like Bill the Moose and the current sweetheart would cause a wild boar to run scared right back into the forest and perhaps try to make it’s way into a rabbit hole…picture this visual and note: I am being KIND.
I once sat where most of the Newbies sit today…in utter shock, deep despair, in the throes of what I thought was insanity and could not comprehend for minute WHY he would do this, what was wrong with me, what there was about me he couldn’t love, what on earth would possess him to not only cheat but find the dumbest and the ugliest creatures he could lay his eyes upon to even consider cheating on me with – I mean after all if you are going to “F-up” make it worth your while. I could never envision myself screwing around with someone who was so ugly, I’d have to put a bag over their head when having sex…let’s face it, we don’t look the greatest in between all that grunting and groaning but if you’re ugly to begin with?…..Certainly, if one had more money than GOD this might be something I could work around, but in this particular case…
That is not to say that someone unattractive can’t grow on you – because I believe they can, I haven’t dated guys with stellar looks, but I had to at least be able to look at them…and over time they became “attractive”…but you need a basic prototype to work with and for the life of me I could not figure any of this out. Today I can…and it brings me great joy to share some of my wisdom with some of you today who are wondering…”Why?” and “How?” Over and over obsessively…
First: When it comes to a narc, they never look at you – they’re looking THROUGH you straight to how they can USE you.
Second: When it comes to “making love” I’ve concluded and this is rather blunt…the narc’s motto: “A hole is a hole” yes, I am being that blunt about it because that is the reality. There was no “making love” because a Narc can’t love. Since a Narc operates on the false self, we didn’t really know them anyway. If we really did know them, certainly, we wouldn’t love them. What we’re missing is the dream and the illusion WE created. Therefore the dismantling of that dream and the destruction of the illusion is within in OUR control because…
WE created it. BAM! Instant power back…
Third: The narc is/was NOTHING without you…he lived through you, found HIS image through you, found his likes, his dislikes, his political views, and maybe even a new hygiene routine all with YOUR help!…That in a sense should make you feel close to GOD in a Narc’s world cause they are only something when sucking the life out of someone else. Remove the life force and they’re nothing!
Fourth: The narcs are only as intelligent as we make them – we create their intelligence, we mold their intelligence – look back on some of the conversations with the narc and you will see that there was about as much intellectual stimulation as there would be with a trained parrot!…They’re dumb creatures to boot despite their “cleverness”
Fifth: Narcs are only as clever as we make them for when we wake up out of the sleepy dust and learn all about them, they are pretty predictable creatures – there are even websites that explain fully how to manipulate a Narc – although that would be rather boring after a while as who wants to live a lifetime of playing Puppet Master?
Sixth: Speaking of BORING – Narcs are very boring, as since they are only as good as we make them in our “illusion” it’s the equivalent of spending time with yourself! That’s not to say WE are boring but from time to time, it helps to interact with someone else OTHER than yourself in another “form” which is when you break it down essentially what a relationship with a Narc is…
Number SEVEN on the List: Narcs are cowards. I have only heard of ONE case on this forum where a member believes that their Narc is living off in seclusion – although I do think they mentioned a porn addiction – nonetheless, I digress – I have scoured a number of forums – I am committed to this one because I like the openness, the candidness, the support, the lack of judgment and absence of power struggles; as well as the fact that it is not out to ultimately drain me of my money in order to “Help me heal.”
Narcs are too chicken to face their demons – that is why the minute they believe by way of their DELUSION that the relationship is about to go south, they bail.
Indicators of a relationship going south to a Narc can be as simple as burning the eggs in the morning, which brings him back to a bad memory with his mother who had a bad habit of burning eggs. BURNT eggs mean deal breaker to a Narc. Burt eggs mean Mommie, and Mommie means RUN! It’s just that black and white with a Narc…there is no passing go, there is no collecting of $200.00 they are outta there the minute they sense something isn’t PERFECT…and therein lies a lot of the problem…they want PERFECT – something that just does not exist.
Narcs are cowards because they’re too damn afraid to deal with issues, to face their feelings and come to terms with the fact that they too are far from perfect – instead, they use the tool of projection to destroy you with all their distorted thinking…AND THAT IS CRAZYMAKING for a NORMAL person.
Next to last before last on the list: Narcs are empty shells, walking human voids that if forced to face their demons would most likely go insane themselves. They have put up such a barrier of protection around themselves using such covert defense tactics that if they ever tried to uncover the layer upon layers of insanity they are now living in, it would drive them absolutely insane!
This isn’t the kind of person anyone needs to miss and the sooner you understand this about a Narc, the quicker you will recover. There is no asking “Why?” or “How?” with a Narc…facts are facts, and this information is not “feeling” it’s documented. It’s insane to try to reason or rationalize crazy…and we’re not CRAZY are we? NO we’re not…we’ve been victimized, targeted, exploited and taken advantage of…that should piss you off a little…or a lot!
One more before last on the list…Narcs are like dogs chasing their own tale…yes, their own tale and they’re dogs…Narcs lie better than a rug! Their lies are pathological and they deliver the lies with such conviction, they actually can have you believing that the moon is made of Swiss cheese…they will have you seeing the holes in the Swiss cheese moon with your naked eyes…and they will leave you dreaming about the gummy bears that live on the Swiss cheese moon and will have you buying every line of bullshit they deliver – “Yes Virginia there is a Santa Claus” is the understatement when it comes to what a Narc could have you believing…and of course we all learn this in hindsight. After we’ve ripped out all our teeth and are left toothless wondering why the Tooth Fairy didn’t come…and who the hell stole our candy from the Easter Basket!
Finally Number TEN…and this is just something to plant in your head when you’re stuck ruminating…NARCS are Turds…and anyone who’s gone through this situation knows…
”YOU CAN’T POLISH A TURD”
So, wake up, get real and face the facts. While those in the Recovery Movement have many catchy slogans, I need to give the one finger salute to one of the more popular ones: “Anger is one letter away from Danger ”BULLSHIT! Anger is healthy, rational and normal under these circumstances as long as you don’t act on it in a way that is harmful to yourself or others. Releasing the anger in a constructive manner by getting it out and burning up energy will actually lessen the chance of depression, high blood pressure, heart problems and other stress related ailments.
Feel your anger, express your anger, and share your anger on this forum…we’ve been there, we get it and it’s okay…
And to those Narcs who believe “Anger is one letter shy of Danger” choke on it! Certainly, I say this as I “Detach with love.”
Finally, if this blog post makes you angry I am happy…feel it, release it, and let it out. Rant, rave, go stark raving lunatic mad! Get used to feeling those feelings and releasing them…Your heart, mind and mental health will thank you for it.