Who Crowned You the Fairy Narc Mother? a.k.a. Should I Warn the Other Woman?

One of the most popular questions that arise when dealing with the aftermath of NPD abuse is:  “Should I warn the other woman?”  This is not an easy question to answer…it’s not a YAY or NAY scenario, it is dependent upon circumstances.  I opine the best course of action when flirting with the idea is to WAIT…just be still.

In many instances, in fact, I can’t think of one instance where this hasn’t happened, and trust me, I’ve read perhaps thousands of accounts by this point…and am a survivor myself…we were discarded as the result of the Narc finding new ‘GULLIBLE’ supply.  If we are going to wear big girl panties and if we’ve moved far enough away from the situation, we can look back OBJECTIVELY and also admit we were also GULLIBLE or else the narc would not have been able to pull off what he did…Narcs are equal opportunity exploiters so no one is “Special” here…

That being said…think back…go ALLLL the way back…go back to his ‘first’ story of victim hood…the one where he was laying the foundation…for some the story went:  “I haven’t had sex in 18 months, my wife doesn’t understand me” or “We have an open relationship” my personal favorite:  “She’s crazy”  (and you might be laughing at the last one cause there is something about humor and truth and if you’ve moved far enough away you also know he said this shit about us too)…LOL cause that is just what they do…LIE like rugs and find a new sucker…

BUT…before you wrap yourself up in the “Cloak of Empathy” it is important to examine your motivation for wanting to “Warn” the newest victim.  Is it really empathy or is it some delusion that you might actually get some revenge out of it?  Be honest with yourself…

If you are flirting with this idea…you are not sufficiently healed yet.  If you were sufficiently healed, you’d know that jumping the gun would most likely boomerang right backatcha…

What one is failing to grasp when flirting with this knee jerk reaction of wanting to “Warn the new victim” is that you were discarded at least six months before he took up with the hootchie (it’s okay to call her a hootchie even if she isn’t really one but a fool just like we were – we’re dealing with anger here so the only rule is we cannot act out the anger in ways that are destructive to ourselves or others).  If you really really take time to absorb all that has happened and connect the dots, you will see – if you are being honest with yourself, that a Narc is systematic in his method of hunting.  He is constantly on the prowl.  You may not have caught every instance; however, the illness lends itself to a obsessional compulsion to feed – and there are no limits which is why we also hear stories of homosexual relationships with Narcs…they’re not homosexuals…in a sense they are asexuals feeding themselves…which is another reason why porn and masturbation are so appealing to them as well.

Before the narc unceremoniously dropped you on your head, he lined up several sources of supply…and when you ripped that mask off – which he knew was coming, he already had a place to land…he juggled several during this phase lining up the best source.  I remember noting how incapable the narc appeared to be in self sufficiency and at times I would ask him (being the good servant) how on earth would he survive if he didn’t learn basic skills and he flat out said:  “I’d find someone else to do it for me.”  In all my “self sufficiency” and “independence” I could not fathom that in fact this could be the truth.  I shrugged it off, it went right over my head.  It was one of a few truths that were revealed but due to their great ability to master NLP, if you are not skilled in the art of CON, when there are little glimmers of truth knocking the shit out of you somehow you miss the cue…the man spoke the truth…it doesn’t matter WHO…and no one is special…a tool is a tool  that is what you were to him…and that is what SHE is now…

The question is:  “Is she worth saving?”

That’s another hard question…as I am learning we can’t save anyone unless we can save ourselves first…we have got to get off the Drama cycle and get our head straight.  If we are considering NC, then for all intents and purposes I’d have to question the motivation of saving the OW…after all, did anyone SAVE US?  But it goes deeper than that…for all the brainwashing the narc did – when we where high off the sex hormones cause he was just rocking our world and hypnotizing us with all his bullshit, if anyone dared to tell us we were laying down with a pathologically disordered narcissistic bottom feeder….would we believe it?  Moreover, would we believe it if it came from what was labeled as a “Crazy Woman?”

I know in my case, the narc had me so convinced his ex was unbalanced and an abuser, I rushed to rescue his ‘traumatized’ soul having NO IDEA whatsoever, that all those “False reports of Domestic Violence” were more than likely REAL REPORTS which was WHY I never saw the documents proving the contrary.  He probably was never arrested because like most DV victims, while she had to call the police to save herself, she took mercy on him, and did not wish to see her son’s father go to jail.  This happens a lot.  Bless her soul she fought for supervised visitation, and I pray she keeps it.  Given what I know now, the sucker projected his sickness onto his ex, pointed fingers, blamed her, got abusers by proxy to finish the job and walked off into the limelight with a posse of rescuers leaving her and her son destitute without a leg to stand on…and yes, he also conned me to become an abuser by proxy as well.  I am not proud of this; however, it is important that people understand how dangerous these son of a bitches are…ESPECIALLY the courts.

The beauty of hindsight as I reflect I remember her ranting and saying things about him, that just seemed on the surface like a woman scorned – after all, he was such a darling little sheep…

what you have to remember before you go out on a limb is that the ramifications for such a risk can be deadly and you had better be armed well in self defense if you take that risk – because not all victims are created equal…some are more prone to Stockholm Syndrome and will follow the Tammy Wynette “Guide to Relationships….”

AND…you will have to accept that this is their choice and it’s okay…if you look at Tammy carefully, I am confident if you are out of the fog, you wouldn’t want to be her…

For all it’s worth, warning the other woman when you are not sufficiently healed is an exercise in futility only because you don’t own enough of the dynamics yourself to remain objective.  If I would have engaged in such an exercise early on, I believe it would have become a very nauseating and self defeating Karpman Drama Triangle…or maybe even a quadrangle, who knows…maybe a pentagangle if such a thing exists…I’m sure it does in the Narc’s world.

See, what I have come to realize, is that in part, our own Ego left us vulnerable…somehow in all this chaos and looking back, let’s be honest, it was SICK, not even good material for a Lifetime movie…somehow we lent ourselves to the delusion that we could ‘fix’ this and in time with enough ‘love’ we could make things right…we fell for the potential and the great ‘hope’….

If by chance you are approached, as I’ve also noted when the new OW gets a ‘whiff’ sometimes they do reach out to the old…it will be up to you to decide if you wish to engage.  I know I reached out to my “predecessor” in search of answers, I think it’s what most of us do when we have no clue…and generally by the time that happens they’re over it…if they’re lucky…but when you are the one approached…it would depend upon where you stand on the issue.  I think if you are sufficiently removed emotionally, there is no harm in giving information, but I would not get caught up in thinking you’re gonna become allys…I think the most responsible thing would be to as objectively as possible point the new victim in the right direction then disengage.  If you’re not approached, I don’t think one should go looking…because there are too many instances where victims are brainwashed, and you don’t know what imbalance the new one may be suffering with, there are statistics that indicate that in some instances, narcs do attract others with certain disorders, although this is not every case but the danger is…you don’t know – you have no idea what could be playing out behind the scenes and really what importance do either one of them hold in your recovery?  NOTHING….

SO…should you warn the other woman?  Personally I think it’s an exercise in futility.  I think the best answer is to put the focus on you…heal YOU…worry about you…get to where you need to go and if the occasion arises, make a decision when you are approached, but don’t go out on a limb…

The Narc for all his cleverness already beat you to the punch, you will have to take the hit, let him have the point and call it a day…in the end, like everything else, water seeps its own level and eventually they get theirs…might be on their deathbed when no one comes around but they do get theirs…revenge is not yours to take.  Create GOOD karma in your life, get it out, vent, cry, scream, rage, yell do what you have to do to get back to whole, and never mind about the OW…

Alexandra Nouri wrote a great post about it….

Here:  http://alexandranouri.wordpress.com/2011/01/30/so-youre-in-love-with-a-narcissist-part-1/

Here:  http://alexandranouri.wordpress.com/2011/01/31/so-youre-in-love-with-a-narcissist-part-2/

AND Here: http://alexandranouri.wordpress.com/2011/02/01/so-youre-in-love-with-a-narcissist-part-3/

The part that resonated with me the most when it comes to an indirect gain a new victim provides for us is the following:

“If your narcissist throws you a crumb of attention, take it and savor it and deluge him with appreciation for it. Do NOT under ANY circumstances snort with disgust and drop his sorry ass to free yourself up for someone much, much better. Hang onto him at all costs. ALL COSTS. This won’t do you a damn bit of good, but it will help keep him away from the rest of us.”

Because in a sense, when a Narc is occupied with new gullible supply, it guarantees they won’t come hoovering back our way…in a way, the Victim by default whether we wish to give them credit or not are actually saving US from the Narc – and it is tragic, but hey if you are gonna survive, sometimes you gotta take the:  “Better her than me” stance…and know the same way you got through it, you will have to pray she can and will too…but It’s NOT YOUR PROBLEM…You are NOT the FAIRY NARC MOTHER….

If after all this contemplation you still insist, then it’s all on you…I’ll admit I’ve shared some nuggets of hard earned wisdom with a victim in the Narc’s circle after being approached.   The upside, I could give a crap either way so there was no harm done…they’ll either save themself or age rather ungracefully.   Either way, I’m free! That’s all that matters to me…

Cause with a Narcissist:    “No One Gets the Prize”  you can take that to the bank!

Peace….xoxo

The Chameleon Variation of the Sicilian Defense Trick

I have time and time again witnessed victims of NPD abuse report that the OW, somewhere out of the blue surfaced after a few months of “honeymoon bliss” and approached the victim to ‘ask questions.’  I’d say ninety percent of the time, the victim unwittingly falls into the trap of providing information, sharing stories, and thinks somehow they will gain a friend out of this communique – only to end up feeling duped once more when all of a sudden the OW retracts.

I don’t play chess but allegedly there is a chess move entitled:  “The Chameleon Variation of the Sicilian Defense Trick.” That move, amongst others can be found Here if you’re a chess player.

The Chameleon Variation of the Sicilian Defense Trick is described as follows:

Another trick which makes use of this trapping pattern, but to even greater effect, occurs in an unusual line of the Chameleon variation of the Sicilian. 1. e4 c5, 2. Nc3 Nc6, 3. Ne2 (This is quite a sneaky move; white waits for black to commit himself to a particular set–up before deciding whether to play an open or a closed Sicilian.) 3. … Nf6, 4. d4 (This is probably the wrong decision. White should play a closed Sicilian here with 4. g3.) 4. … e6, (4. … cd 5. Nxd4 would of course transpose to a main line classical Sicilian) 5. d5 ed, 6. ed Ne5, 7. g3?? (7. Nf4 is better, and quite interesting) 7. … Nf3#. Quite a shock!

I thought the aforementioned chess move was an appropriate description of the dynamics involved when one unwittingly falls into this type of trap – especially when they are not adequately healed…beware of this move and don’t step onto the board if you’re not prepared to win.

I think many victims of NPD abuse succumb to the temptation to communicate with the OW because despite the pain, and sometimes the jealousy attached, as women we still have an intrinsic calling to want to protect and especially with this type of abuse, even if we have certain mixed feelings, we don’t want to see anyone suffer what we’ve suffered, and so for a moment we forget that the OW may not necessarily be out for anything other than to manipulate.  We forget that there are all kinds of people out there, and because of what we know, and our experience, we tend for a time to morph into these beings who want to shout the news from the rooftops that bad people exist and everyone should be aware; however what we need to remember is that everyone ‘gets it’ in their own time.

When the other woman does not respond in the manner that we ‘hope’ they would, many end up feeling ‘used’ and ‘re-victimized’ ‘duped’ and ‘tricked.’  Usually as a response to these feelings, the victim then does an about face and begins to want to trash the other woman; however, I think rather than engage in that type of behavior it is wise to use the experience for growth.  While this experience is painful – many times with PAIN comes GROWTH…so take it in stride – let’s examine it another way…

First – for all the criticism of how ‘stupid’, ‘naive’ or what a “B*tch” the OW is, did we not at some point sit in that SAME seat?  Were we not in the fog second guessing and believing that the WHOLE world just ‘misunderstood’ the ‘Poor PITIFUL Narc’?  YES we did which is exactly how we landed where we are.  So while the OW engaged in “The Chameleon Variation of the Sicilian Defense Trick” Who really won?  That’s right – YOU DID!  Why? Well, because she’s handling the mess so you don’t have to.  Remember the words of Auntie Alex to those who choose to stay with a Narcissist:

“If your narcissist throws you a crumb of attention, take it and savor it and deluge him with appreciation for it. Do NOT under ANY circumstances snort with disgust and drop his sorry ass to free yourself up for someone much, much better. Hang onto him at all costs. ALL COSTS. This won’t do you a damn bit of good, but it (staying with the narcissist) will help keep him away from the rest of us.”

What we have to understand here, is that the Narcissist is a user, a predator and one of the best con artists around.  What we have to own is that we have the secret key and we now have sufficient narcdar to know when a narcissist is lying (his lips are moving) the little lady a.k.a. OW doesn’t have the slightest clue which is exactly WHY she reached out to you.  BUT denial is a mother fletcher and just like the truth is a shock to us, it will someday (unless she’s a well behaved doormat) equally be a shock to her.  Let’s be honest…who really is able to admit their judgement is wrong and they’re being played for a sucka?  Not many…it takes a lot of insight, experience and yes, pain to come to this realization…just take inventory of what we went through and how long it took us to wake up.  Try to have some empathy here, Sleeping Beauty on the chess board has no clue what is about to hit her.  To illustrate our upper hand in this scenario, earned by experience, a lot of tears and in some tragic cases even a few STDs…let’s use pictures.  Let’s use a visual symbol of birds and what our world looks like in the aftermath:

On the other hand, this is her visual of birds:

That being said, it’s simply a matter of being on two different levels.  Neither one at a tactical advantage.

So, how do we recover from the Chameleon Variation of the Sicilian Defense Trick?

Simple:  First, if you haven’t been approached YET – keep this little lesson in mind – don’t bite.  YOU ARE NOT THE FAIRY NARC MOTHER.

Second:  If you haven’t sufficiently healed and you’ve been approached and bit the bullet without the results you desired – understand that your biting most likely came from TWO places:  A. Seeking closure because the piece of shit never provided it for you and B. Wanting to be a good person.  That’s not a crime.  If the OW is stuck on stuck, you can’t own that problem – that’s her little red wagon now.  You really ought to thank her as she’s keeping him occupied and off your lawn.  Pray they last or she gets out either one is fine but DETACH.  Neither one of them are your concern.

Now, I also get a ton of pvt. messages and the victims share:  “The OW told me everything he’s told her and it’s all lies, and we compared notes, blah, blah, blah, ‘she told me he said he used me’!”  Now this particular admission from the OW could have a few motivations.  It could be that in sharing, and suspecting something is wrong, she was doing her best to be honest and does not fully understand how psychological abuse and narcissists work, and in her denial, it was not meant as a personal attack but the news is just as much a shock to her and her defenses are up and she’s just sharing fully forgetting the positions you play in this TRIANGLE that the narc has so cleverly created, OR…she really does feel inadequate and is desperately grabbing at straws because the Narc has used you even in your absence to fuck with her mind and so she sees you as the THREAT…either way, the delivery of the news that we were used isn’t really a surprise is it?  NOPE, it’s not…and for all her projection, the reality is that while she’s pointing the finger she’s failing to see who is being used NOW.

Let’s use the magic of hollywood to demonstrate this point.  This is where the OW THINKS you are:

When in reality here is where you really stand – whether or not you know it yet….

He really WASN’T MAN ENOUGH for you – so really it is no sweat off your back.  For all her thinking she’s got the upper hand and she’s gonna try to milk it on both sides for her ‘perceived’ tactical advantage, here is the bottom line:

AND, given the Chameleon Variation of the Sicilian Defense Trick…if it is all it is described to be, and if countless others have not been wrong in their reports…eventually they’ll both self destruct – luckily you won’t be there to witness the fallout…this is usually when the AHA moment hits ’em…lucky for you – it really won’t matter all that much…

Don’t be a ‘Silly Rabbit”  if the OW chooses not to get it – simply humor her and keep walking – there is a life to be lived and the same way we learned – she will too…you can lead a horse to water, you can’t make ’em drink it.  Keep moving forward…

Let’s get real NARCS don’t change their LIES it’s the same script with a new victim that’s all, just like they played us, they play everyone…nobody is special or unique in the Narc’s web.  Shoot, Narcs don’t even change their underwear without guidance and feeding off of someone…Don’t sweat this get on the road to healing and wipe the dirt off your feet…he’s her “Knight in Shining Tin Foil” now…

Hugs,

Betty

When the Narc Devalues and Discards and Takes off With Quasimodo

Narcissists are entertaining creatures to observe when you’ve gotten past the trauma. Once you are aware of the red flags, you can predict exactly why they do the things they do. You become in-tune with their brand of psycho babble and can identify a narcissist within seconds.

Narcissists are complex organisms chock-full of contradictions. While the Narcissist suffers or rather revels in delusions of grandiosity, simultaneously his genuine existence is riddled with insecurities and complexes that run so deep, if he were to discover his real self, many have said it would drive him/her insane enough to commit suicide.

Nonetheless, one of the more interesting contradictions is how despite the Narcissist believing that only the finest will do “The best and the brightest,” and it has been cited they strive to find the most Alpha of Females to destroy in order to fuel their ego, the panel remains stumped when the Narcissist does an about face and decides that some poor woman who may be quite the merry soul, barely scratches the surface of the brains, beauty and class of Quasimodo. Many victims who are well educated, articulate, established, independent, and beautiful experience cognitive dissonance on this observation alone.

Earlier this evening, I had the privilege of commenting on Narcissism and the work we do on the forum on The Ivory Tower, a radio program hosted by Larry Sharpe which is broadcasted live via the Internet on the Talking Alternative Broadcasting Network. It was a very interesting discussion to say the least as the topic was Infidelity.

The typical reasons why people cheat were discussed: dissatisfaction, feeling ignored and/or neglected, financial problems and/or other “stressors.” Nonetheless, what struck a chord was Mr. Sharpe asking: “Why is it that men (and in this case, he also referenced celebrities and politicians in the news) have very self confident, beautiful partners – powerhouses in their own right, yet feel the need to stray with the maid, or women far “inferior” to what they have at home?” I believe Mr. Sharpe hit the nail on the head when he expressed he believed it had to do with a (cheating) male’s low sense of self esteem. He shared it was his feeling that the male needs ego stroking and a sense of power. Titrating down is the easiest way to achieve that. I responded that in addition to that, I am of the opinion that a major factor in such activity has to do with Narcissism. That does not mean I think EVERY man or woman who cheats suffers from a personality disorder; however, when we examine this discussion, from the perspective of a “victim” of Narcissistic Personality Disorder Abuse, I believe this same dynamic holds true.

For those beautiful, articulate, bright and empowered women who are temporarily experiencing technical difficulties due to being unceremoniously dumped for Quasimodo, this post is especially for you!

The first thing you must remember coming out of the fog is that a Narcissist experiences a FALSE sense of grandiosity. He is nowhere near superior, no matter how much he lays claim to aristocracy. Deep down inside that chicken nugget of a heart, or brain – the jury isn’t out yet – he KNOWS he’s far from superior. While initially a large part of the lure for a narcissist is the “Chase” or the “Conquest” of a beautiful, articulate, strong independent woman who is a challenge, his goal is to shake you down. You on the contrary were operating on an open and honest level, and were naive to his schemes. While you were razzled and dazzled by his B.S., he had the GPS programmed and the plan in place within five minutes of meeting you. He sized you up, figured out where your weak spots were, fixed his reptilian gaze on you and dove in.

He convincingly engaged in all the typical courtship actions such as: flattery, attention, and charm to suck you in. Some of you might have been fortunate enough to get a bouquet of flowers from the 99 cent store (Narcs are CHEAP!) In turn, you found his “creativity” under such financial distress “thoughtful” then set out to help make him whole because that is what we as women are naturally wired to do. We mend things, we nurture, we bring the dead back to life. Narcs know this.  You may have even noticed a peacock feather or two slip out of the waist of his pants as he professed undying love and admiration, at the time, you may have never even given it a second thought, a peacock may have been his last victim – instead you thought it was part of his “effort” to impress you. After all, these are the things all good fairy tales are made of. Even in the preliminary stages of non-disordered relationships there is an expectation of some form of “courtship” an effort on the male’s part to secure our affection.

As women, we acknowledge that the average male needs a certain amount of ego stroking; however, we also expect that he knows in the New Millennium, we are no longer in the era of June Cleaver and cannot afford to don the apron and oven mitt as we have our own affairs to tend to and time is money. While we do our best to keep everything in balance, sometimes something suffers, and usually it’s the relationship. This is where Narcissists become a bit antsy.

Narcissists have such a bottomless pit of insatiable need, it isn’t humanly possible to satisfy them. No matter how much you try, you will always be dangled at the end of the rod accused of not doing enough. This is when a Narcissist decides its time to move on. Narcissists don’t believe in “work” they’re lazy and tire easily.

When the Narcissist begins to engage in his TEXTBOOK campaign of devaluing, if you don’t acquiesce to his unreasonable demands, you are punished and discarded. It is important to note that before he even begins to devalue like any other addict (addicted to SELF) he knows he needs to have his drug on hand. He has already executed the back pocket plan a new primary source of supply and perhaps a few extra sources for good measure just in case he is unable to successfully break you.

Many may be asking: “But what happens when the new source of supply turns out to be Quasimodo?“

I think it would be safe to assume that for however much you feel abused, degraded, devalued, denigrated and traumatized, there was still a strength that the Narc sensed within you and he absolutely hates the fact that he was unable to destroy you. This to him is an epic fail and a blow to his fragile ego.

It’s worth repeating…The Narcissist’s goal was to destroy you. The fact that he feels he was not able to, regardless of YOUR perspective, his EGO has been so severely bruised because the mission was not accomplished, he forges ahead and seeks out someone (in his mind someTHING) he can easily exploit to help boost his now severely damaged self esteem. Please note: You did nothing to cause this in him…it was already there. His flocking into the loving arms of Quasimodo is EVIDENCE of this.

I have had to deal and come to terms with the Narcissist of my former life’s insanity and understand the dynamics involved in order to arrive at some sense of peace with this whole situation. Like any woman who has been betrayed, I went through a process of trying to build myself up, and in that process, sometimes it involved putting others down. I suspect he had his supply lined up but just forgot to mention it. Even more pathetic, was the enormous amount of trolling he did even under these self centered pre-arranged circumstances. Equally baffling was that each potential victim appeared to be the dimmest bulb on the string of lights.

Regardless of whether or not this is the truth, we all know when denied closure we never do get to the facts but can only speculate. At the end of the day, it really does not matter what the truth is because the mental illness we refer to as Narcissism trumps everything. There is enough information out there to validate what the reality is in reference to these individuals.

You cannot reason or rationalize insanity and the Narcissist is truly the embodiment of clinically insane. I’ve counted at least a hundred members who have reported, that the Narcissist projected his affliction onto us in the form of “diagnosing” us Bi-polar. I suspect Narcissists love labeling victims as suffering from this disorder because it is a common diagnosis in the media. A narc would never, even if they did have valid suspicions about our mental health, take the time to really research anything. Instead, they repeat like trained parrots what other’s say. They have no identity, just what they can suck from others.

Narcs will never do the work to get to the root of their challenges, after all, their disordered thinking has them convinced they’re perfect and the rest of the world has a mental disorder. What is interesting is that in the Narc’s erroneous projection of Bi-polar, it is a very BIG CLUE that he is the one who suffers from mental instability. The only thing Narcs CAN DO is project, they will never own accountability no matter how much they profess it. Never believe he is projecting his “true” affliction. He’s not bi-polar… he’s a psychopath.

When a Narcissist prefaces any sentence with the word “YOU” that is a clue he’s about to admit something flawed about himself. This is something to keep in mind when you are ruminating. Many of the answers you seek are within the lines he delivered that started with the word “YOU.” Those are the sentences you should process as your answers. DO NOT OWN any of it or absorb it as it is his disordered thinking that is causing him to project his weaknesses on to you. He can’t bear to face those things within himself. Your answers lie in each and every projection he directed your way, except, they pertain to HIM.

Finally, whether Quasimodo entered stage left as the other woman, or was targeted just like we were, while it is understandable that at times, because of not accepting how sick the Narcissist is, we still cling to the illusion of “What could have been if we tried harder” or “How things could have improved if HE tried to understand” all of that is totally useless thinking as there is no changing a Narcissist. From the moment you said: “Hello” this relationship was doomed to hell. There was/is nothing else that can/could be done. He is incurable, disordered, his thinking is irrational and defies all logic. He is SICK.

Quasimodo on the other hand is in even more of a precarious position. While sometimes those less attractive have beautiful hearts and great personalities which make up for the lack of the more sought after qualities, oftentimes, “Unattractive” women know the odds are stacked high against them. More than likely, they have had a lifetime of being ignored because we live in a society that is very entrenched in vanity. Presumably they have spent many a lonely Saturday Night dateless and alone and when anyone shows them a morsel of attention they lap it up like a starved puppy, because EVERYONE wants and needs love and affection. The Narcissist targets these types of victims strictly because they are privy to this notion as well. Rather than envy or hate the “unattractive” replacement that has left your head spinning even more in the abyss of cognitive dissonance, absorb this tidbit and understand a little empathy goes a long way. She too will very soon walk the path you’re walking and may be even more damaged, as her self esteem may not have been in too great a shape to begin with. If their relationship exhibits any staying power it may be because she’s desperate and puts up with what you refused to accept.

In closing, to those of you who have been dumped for Quasimodo, do not delude yourselves into thinking that somehow he’s performing better for her. He’s not – in fact, he may be even more brutal as he already knows she started out at a deficit and if anything fuels a narc, it is power and control – something that in REALITY, he never did have over you.

Musings on the Journey Thus Far…

I have been in recovery for almost eight months. The sixth of May will mark the day that I first came face to face with the pivotal moment that changed life as I knew it. It sounds strange to clump all of life into this whole Narcissist fiasco; however, HE was the catalyst for change, despite the destruction he created.  I remember vividly the early days of recovery. It was a very scary, isolating, psychologically devastating experience made worse by the fact that no one seemed to understand. I had difficulty weeding my way through distortions, everyone seemed evil to me, I feared insanity my whole life due to suppressing other pain, and at that moment, the horror I could only imagine came to life…my worse fear realized – I believed I was clinically insane.

I tried very hard to find “help.” Despite my effort and belief that I needed professional assistance, somehow instinctively I felt that the resources available would do more harm than good. One therapist missed the “trauma” altogether despite the fact that I entered his office in shambles perhaps a thread shy of showing up in a bathrobe and slippers. Worse still, I could not articulate why I was so distressed, as the “trigger” at that point was merely the Narcissist carrying on a virtual affair on Facebook with some woman a few hours away in another town. What I did not realize in the midst of the emotional chaos was that all of this was building slowly right beneath the surface and that I was the victim of a stealth attack on my psyche which was why I was unable to pin point the exact reason for my extreme distress. He was slowly chipping away at the gray matter until there was little left! Worse still, he “justified” it, through the art of “projection.”

Furthering the victimization were others who could not comprehend my extreme reaction to what some men have been doing for centuries…”Cheating” – this was not about THAT…this was far worse I would later discover.

The strange thing is that the PTSD did not surface right away…I found myself still involved with the Narcissist even after the “betrayal” as it still did not register, and somehow, despite all good common sense, I kept trying to “make sense” of the insanity. I was desperate for validation FROM HIM…an apology, accountability and all the while he was justifying and placing blame upon me. I began to buy into that package, owning the blame. It was weird as he had erected a wall until I conceded. I remember that clearly and the chill up my spine that ensued; nonetheless, at the time I still could not make heads or tails of that reaction from him. It seemed as if he was on a mission of self destruction and he was hell bent on dragging me down with him. I made one discovery that was shocking *my story is posted* and shortly thereafter, I left town for a month to try to re-group. The timing could not have been worse, I did not expect to spiral down the rabbit hole while away and it was a scary ride into the depths of hell, and I held on desperately to that one ounce of sanity I had left long enough to get my son and I back home where I temporarily but completely lost my mind.

The irony is that it was not all about him, but pain that I suppressed since childhood. Pain I denied out of fear that it would take me down – as it did- and when I came face to face with that demon, my only choice was to look him in the eye and take the ride down with him…there was no turning back, I surrendered to it determined that one way or another, I would win the war but that the only way to overcome would be to dive in. I don’t suggest this, it is not for the faint of heart; however, I don’t believe I had any other choice in the matter. When we avoid things and sweep them under the rug, they don’t disappear and I had run out of options.

I remember being filled with such anxiety; I could not leave my house. Several times, I flirted with the idea of committing myself but I kept fighting the urge. All I wanted to do was rock, suck my thumb and be sedated; however, I had a thirteen year old son to take care of, and I also knew in the back of my mind, to some degree, I wasn’t crazy, but could not figure out for the life of me what was going on…it felt like “crazy” would feel, but I still had a portion of my mind that could reason. The distress was overwhelming, such extreme despair and rage all wrapped up into one and I felt out of control. I never felt suicidal thank God, but I could not speak. I literally could not speak at all without crying without bawling my eyes out, without wanting to let out such a primal scream and so, I sat locked up in my room for a month and did not utter a word except for those things that were necessary, and I stayed glued to this forum twenty four seven. I forced myself out once daily for a cup of iced coffee simply to stay grounded in “reality” to keep in touch with “life” to stay connected and walking that block to the shopping center for my coffee was a battle.

Bathing was a struggle, combing my hair was an insurmountable task; I donned sunglasses even on cloudy days because walking through the streets the tears would just come. I remember one night after about two weeks in this state of mind, trying to get it together enough for my son to take him out to dinner, and I got in the car and drove about half a mile and the anxiety and the lump in my throat became so painful, and the tears just started streaming and I wasn’t even talking, I had to turn the car around and tell my son I couldn’t do it…we ordered out, and I locked myself up in the room again.  I remember when speaking to my son being unable to utter a sentence without crying…and my only choice was to come clean with him, and share with him, where the source of all this pain was coming from…and to re-assure him that I would be okay, and even shared all that I hid from him, all I “sheltered” him from, I shared my secrets with him with the hope that he would not only understand but learn and become aware of what “abuse” is. I am sure this overwhelmed him at first, and he didn’t say much about it, I am sure he was hurt to see his mother come undone, but we had no one to help us, it was me and him and the only thing that I could do was level with him, as I felt that to act as irrationally as I was, and deny an explanation would have been cruel and create anxiety in him. I used discretion in what I shared, but elected to open up to him, rather than try to hide as the truth was, I had nothing to be ashamed of – I was human, and hurting.

The days would turn to night and night into days and the depths of this morose abyss seemed to have no limit but I continued to ride the turbulent waves, clinging for what felt like dear life. I felt like my sanity was being held together by a single thread and I was fearful, but I kept clinging. I purged every insane thought on this board, I fluctuated between extreme hate and compassion for the “Narc” that had been afflicted with an “Incurable Mental Illness” and by the grace of God, had many a member on this forum screw my head on straight every time I uttered yet another “delusion.” I owe my sanity to this board. It was through this board I was able to own what the reality is about Narcissistic Personality Disorder and the nature of my relationship.

I don’t remember the exact moment that I was graced with peace and clarity and ownership, but I know it took a fair amount of time.

Recovery is not something that one just rushes through. This experience for me was not just about a relationship gone wrong, it was about a life gone wrong. That may not be the scenario for everyone, but for me, I believe that certain patterns were in place long before the Narc entered my life. It is the reason why I also became aware of a number of other toxic people in my life. This was the start of making many valuable connections to how my distorted thinking led to many of the mishaps up until this pivotal moment in my life. While I did not intentionally seek out the Narc, there was a foundation in place that I believe made me more susceptible to such an attack – although I still maintain that anyone can be a victim.

While I cannot predict the final destination of this journey because I am still very much in the recovery process, so far I have accomplished a lot. I have become aware of what abuse is, what toxic messages are and the language of verbal abuse even when voices aren’t raised. I have learned how to detect when someone is engaging in breaking you down even when the campaign is disguised with a smile, as well as how others will attempt to project their insecurity and insanity onto me and of equal importance how to reject the message and identify it as THEIR issue, not mine to own. I have taken inventory and noted how very early messages in life have molded me to accept crumbs, to think that I am not worthy or deserving and how that is a LIE…I am worthy, I am deserving, I do have gifts, I am valuable, lovable, intelligent, beautiful in my own skin even with my flaws. I have noted some of my flaws and I have learned that they are what make me human. I have learned that I won’t ever be perfect and it is an exercise in insanity to try to be perfect. I have learned that words mean nothing, it is the actions that speak – and I have learned that I have it within myself to be my own best friend. I have learned how to appreciate simplicity, peace of mind, and serenity even in the midst of a storm. Most importantly, I have learned how to live in the moment and not try to forecast the future and have tried to discipline myself to enjoy each moment, to be patient with myself and to indulge myself rather than look outside for my “comfort” and it feels good. There is a way to go, but I am still open and look forward to continuing on the Path Forward. I am convinced, this journey will be a lifelong process if my goal is to live authentically and remain open to change. Life is not stagnant; there will always be challenges that require growth and adaptation.

During this process, I find myself constantly in search of words to uplift my spirit and I happened upon this quote:

“At this very moment, you may be saying to yourself that you have any number of admirable qualities. You are a loyal friend, a caring person, someone who is smart, dependable, and fun to be around. That’s wonderful, and I’m happy for you, but let me ask you this: are you being any of those things to yourself?”

~Phillip C. McGraw

Oddly enough, it is excerpted from “The Ultimate Weight Solution: The 7 Keys to Weight Loss Freedom”  I was a bit hesitant using a quote from a weight loss book – after all, if we’ve been hitting the Ben and Jerry’s through this ordeal, that might be yet another triggering issue; however, I think it is appropriate and significant if we examine “weight” in another context…DEAD weight…the weight we carry around we have no business dragging around with us, the negative mental weight we need to shed, that must be purged. We need to release all the toxins and negative messages from our psyches in order to heal.

At this juncture, I am at peace. The narc is still living rent free in my head – I don’t know when he’ll leave, but I’m not going to worry about it – he’ll leave when it’s time to leave. In the interim, he won’t haunt me, I am in control, I am dealing with what I need to deal with and I am doing the work. As long as we tend to our gardens, water OUR plants, and provide lots and lots of TLC – in time, we will see many beautiful flowers blossom and as long as we put real effort into planting seeds, soon we will be able to appreciate and reap the rewards of our harvest…

During my period of isolation, I sought various outlets and activities to express the pain I was feeling. I created the following video as a creative expression of the madness I felt enveloped me:

If you’re new to the realization that you’ve been involved with a Narcissist, for a time it is normal to feel that you’ve lost your mind. I encourage you to seek professional help despite what I’ve outlined as my personal experience; however, I want to re-assure you that these feelings will pass, you will heal and you will overcome.

You are not alone. Continue to share, educate yourself on NPD, and stick to the forum as it is a safe place to “Get it Out.” Moreover, I cannot urge you enough if you haven’t been able to do so, try your best to establish No Contact as it is instrumental in removing yourself from the source of insanity – The Narc.

How a Narcissist Taught Me to Love Again

I spent a year and some change in recovery from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) Abuse…I custom designed my own program (YAY ME) – well, not really but I recovered without therapeutic intervention.  I found a support forum online where I learned it was okay to rant and rave and let it out…and boy did I ever.

I was really in shock and in trauma…I had never heard of NPD before, and I could not connect the dots or even own that such people walk the earth.  My devilish side wanted to call this article:  “Never Let an Ex-Crack Head Mentally Diagnose You” except I realized something significant tonight…I don’t feel connected to the narcissist…at all.  I don’t miss him, don’t care about him, in fact I dare say I even flirted with the idea that perhaps I never LOVED him either!

Then I thought some more – because well, I am a thinking person…sometimes too much for some to handle but I’ve learned to let others deal with their own challenges. It’s not my problem if you can’t handle it…love it or leave it ‘touche.’  Live and let live…a lesson I learned the hard way but I appreciate the wisdom all the same.

I don’t think it’s necessary to rehash the entire process but it is documented all over this blog if you’re curious, feel free to take a look.  When I look back at all of it, I almost cringe because I was so open; however it was necessary in order for me to heal, and with no outlets I chose to take matters into my own hands and let my soul pour out.

I spent a good deal of time pointing fingers at the Narc and YES he deserved every vile thing I’ve said about him and I hope he did read some of it….well, just because!  BUT…at this point it really is water under the bridge.  I don’t hope he stops breathing, but if he does I don’t care.  I call that HEALING!  If you know about NPD abuse you will understand what this means.  When recovering from an NPD abuse relationship, we don’t strive to ‘forgive’ we strive for indifference.  Forgiveness is for us, but having been abused and subjected to Trauma, our indifference IS forgiveness.

What I learned through all of this however, is that there was a lot holding me back from knowing my authentic self.  In fact, I’ve come to the realization that I’ve spent many years blocking and suppressing things and in some respects unconscious most of my life!  Were it not for this experience, I am not sure if I would have fully awakened.  I believe that in some cases, patterns are in place which leave us susceptible to certain problematic relationships and until we become aware of the issues, we will repeat the patterns.  Enter Narc stage left wearing a lettuce toupee just because…I will it so!  It’s MY WORLD NOW!  Just note in my new found indifference, I am unfazed by his ridiculousness…

What I learned is that no one can save you from yourself…and what I learned was I had a closet full of crap to sort through…and I also learned that some people are really good at feigning emotion and are skilled con artists and its important to discern who is genuine and who is simply in layman’s terms:  Full of shit.  A narc for all intents and purposes, simplified without all of the fancy psychobabble is destructive and full of shit…a rancid, deadly, dangerous form of manure – and given this particular Narc’s digestive system, I certainly should have registered THAT as a RED FLAG Given he quickly found another source of supply who more than likely currently is being devalued and discarded on a daily basis (unbeknownst to her of course because that is just how it works).  I almost feel tempted to send a little gift in honor of their little slum shack of a love nest…

Unless you’ve been narced, you simply won’t understand the symbiotic relationship between being indifferent yet still taking every opportunity to be a bit stinging when such an occasion arises when it comes to ‘issues’ narc.  The problem is that with such a relationship, you are left with Trauma and trauma can be managed, but it never really heals completely.  One has to learn how to deal with the triggers.  It’s sort of a parting gift the Narc leaves behind, a little something to remember him by when he’s gone porking another.  Porking because since Narcs can’t love, sex means nothing but using others as a tool for masturbation, and they’re just too damn cheap to buy their own blow up doll – it’s more practical for them to have a ‘tool’ that can not only serve their sexual lusts, but also cook, clean, and manage every aspect of their lives for them…including in some cases sharing rent as most Narcs are pretty unstable in the employment sector as well, but they will do a great job convincing you they are on the cusp of something REALLY GREAT…This of course becomes crystal clear AFTER the fact, yes…you are dealing with a trauma similar to rape…and a grifter.

See:  “Time’s Up” Redefining Rape by Heidi Hiatt

Fraud and coercion are two other major means of achieving power and control over another via sexual violation.  Unfortunately, defining rape as anything but an act of force is stereotyped as feminist or liberal thinking. Reality is that rape committed through fraud and coercion can cause most of the same traumatic effects as rape by force. We don’t need scientific proof of this; just ask someone who’s been through it. PTSD, for example, is alive and well in a wide range of rape victims.” ~Heidi Hiatt/Redefining Rape

The lack of consent exists given you’ve been conned by one of the smoothest and dirtiest operators around.  (Did I mention that by default because they live off of narcissistic supply they are serial cheaters?  Yes, Virginia while you’ve been sitting home darning his socks, removing skid marks from his drawers and cooking his favorite meals getting high off his flattery, he’s been out sticking it to someone else perhaps a few someone elses or frequenting Happy Endings in some seedy massage parlour ‘while at work’  (True Story) and don’t assume a little self love flirting with the same gender is completely ruled out either and despite glaring evidence of the latter be prepared to be called CRAZY or Bi-Polar)  Oh, the joys of awareness, knowledge, wisdom, hindsight and healing….GET.IT.OUT.

Suffice to say, it is important that if you have been Narced, you don’t let the slime bucket, It’s abuse of you, or whatever forms of devaluing took place define you.  The devaluing is actually it’s projection of every vile thing it feels about itself (It simply because we are not talking about humans, but walking talking and in this case farting shells/voids of human beings).

Despite all that I have been though however, I have to be thankful for the experience.  See, while the Narc spent a number of years in incessant chaos (and just maybe now he has finally found his soul mate – someone too oblivious to notice something is seriously flawed) the experience forced me to come to terms with my own demons…demons I had been unaware of.  I was a tortured soul for a very long time and I did not even know it.  At a certain point, I noticed feelings were beginning to surface and I fell into a very dangerous depression.  Of course, the Narc was totally oblivious to this, and of course he grunted like a wild boar that I should just snap out of it.  This coming from someone who preached ‘recovery’ and allegedly had gleaned so much wisdom from the ‘movement’ in fact this was a hypocrite who touted he had to continue to make his NA meetings every week for the “New Comers” this despite being 18 years clean?  I was too naive to know about 13 Stepping…I digress, I am completely confident he had to make those meetings but not for the reasons he stated…he needed those meetings for his narcissistic supply…he could cry victim and pretend to feel while everyone else supported him in all his self-proclaimed victim hood – he could give ‘hope’ to the newly powerless…as for my depression:

See, many will argue that a victim of a Narc is suffering from low self esteem and that is how they ended up in that situation.  I disagree with this broad statement as each situation is different and unless you have in-depth experience with con-artists, manipulators and psychopaths you really have no way of discerning there is a problem or that you are being slowly sucked lifeless. You don’t recognize this until you have been sucked into the vortex fighting for your life and any shred of sanity left.  A Narc attack is subtle, stealth and carefully executed.  While you are sitting there baring your soul, he’s taking it all in simply to determine how best to use you.  Your needs, your feelings, your person…those are all technicalities, something the Narc has to pretend to deal with; however, the main objective is to suck the life out of you to put it bluntly…the Narc can’t survive on it’s own without feeding off of someone… ANYONE… it doesn’t matter who it is, or who it isn’t…if it is a life form and has a pulse that is good enough…which is WHY so many of us end up cluster fucked when we see the Narc’s self imposed demotion…when they trade down with what I have coined a Quasimodo.  We suffer further cognitive dissonance because KNOWING Narcs are grandiose, we at least assume once we learn and OWN they’re blood sucking, controlling, grandiose, power hungry users…we’d at least reason they’d TRADE UP…yes, trade up because at the end of the day, to a narc… we’re just objects, commodities, assets, we’re not people in the eyes of a narc…we’re objects to be traded like…stocks or discarded like someone aptly put it…TOASTERS!

So, in all my depression, realizing I was slowly being emotionally devoured by an asshole (not fully registering an asshole with a severe personality disorder) imagine my disorientation when I was slowly falling deeper and deeper into the rabbit hole over what my life had become under the influence of such a disordered individual, not being able to articulate or understand exactly what was going on, and his triggering old stuff – complimented by his barking I just snap the fuck out of it!…I was under the DELUSION, this son of a bitch loved me…and I had to come to understand I could have slit my fucking wrists and perhaps he would have found my dead body sprawled on the bed with a very dramatic “Goodbye cruel world” note, cats meowing in mourning and this fuck face might have called the paramedics but not before he ordered Chinese take out!  See, a Narc is so detached and lacking in empathy and/or remorse that they can watch you drown and eat a cheeseburger.  Your drowning does not touch on one heart string, what it does, is entertain them…they’re tickled by your pain and have orgasms over your rage.  They’re sick.

Picture this poor ‘victimized’ narc after all his trolling for behiney, and pulling a number of deceptive tricks, waltzing into the NA meetings once a week to “Let it all out” where he could get the sympathy and support of all his comrades, who of course hearing his tales of woe certainly felt moved to convince him I was Bi-Polar.   I was acting out…Narcs drive you there…they make you go BAT SHIT CRAZY…they can take a normal, loving, decent, sane person and turn them into raving lunatics. They gaslight, manipulate, distort reality, engage in neurolinguistic programming  See:  [TheDouchebag’s]  Pickup Guide to Con Artistry and Grifting if you don’t believe me – (not the real title but it’s important you know, such manuals exist) and yes, there are shit bags who will use them…afterall, it’s all part of the game and they’re in it to WIN at your LOSS.  They can and will con the shit out of you and NOPE, if you’re normal, you really won’t be able to see it coming unless you have a ton of shitbaggery within you.  They will have you believing and DEFENDING their bullshit…they’re fucking GOOD!

See:  Covert Narcissist on Hub Pages by Sparkster

When a Narc is about to discard you, generally when they fear you are on to their bullshit,  fearing abandonment, they engage in triangulation,  they pit one person against the other, they cry to the heaven’s and anything with an ear that will listen and begin a gross campaign of pity, they inject just the right dosage of ‘self awareness’ to appear that they are reasonable and not criminally insane and they summon abusers by proxy…they engage in smear campaigns, they get a whole posse behind them to protect them convinced YOU are the abuser, that you are sick and they in a move slicker than Houdini transition into the ‘victim.’ He’s still mirroring, he’s still projecting, this time stealing your EARNED victimhood from you, discrediting you and projecting and absorbing from others, all the sympathy for himself.

I have learned how not to let my anger consume me.  I have also practiced a lot of restraint.  This type of scenario can very well lead to a crime of passion.  There are women who have snapped and killed their abusers.  I will have to say he’s a lucky SOB…that much is true.  But in the end, I have realized that despite the pain, the confusion, the agony I have to come to terms with the fact that this happened, and disordered people exist.  I can’t control that…while I did not elect to stick a heroin needle in my arm, or raise a crack pipe to my mouth…I am powerless over the fact disordered people exist.  I was conned, I was had, I was used, I was abused – never having spent time at the bottom of the barrel, I had no way to be aware of this kind of disorder, or the filth that is attached to it.  I spent time accepting I was victim and the jig is up I am a survivor now.  I am in control now.  I am no longer in the dark.  Trauma still exists and for all his pointing fingers and calling me bi-polar at the sage advice of his “peers” in the rooms…(Lord help them, for they haven’t a fucking clue) in a way he knew exactly what this was, I am sure he’s brought others down to their knees, in fact in hindsight I KNOW he has…I just could not interpret it when he sat there and told me all these sob stories where of course he was the victim and where in my ‘truth’ somehow at the time it was my ‘duty’ to rescue a mangy stray dog, because Jesus said love your neighbor as you would love yourself….I was lucky to get out of that relationship alive…given his disorder, who knows what could have happened…when someone is a serial cheater AIDS is a possibility…

And so, there is nothing to mourn, there is everything to rejoice – I made it out, and I made it out alive without an STD or AIDS…

For the record, my mood swings are not Bi-Polar, they are Trauma and it is something I am working through.  Nonetheless, had I not had this experience I may have never learned all that I have learned about me.  I have learned I am tuff, I am resilient, I am worthy of love and that there was NEVER a need for me to settle or feel it was my duty or obligation to ‘save’ someone else.  I am learning how to establish boundaries, I am learning how to say “NO” without guilt or second thoughts.

Love would never had said:  “You’re in pain, snap the fuck out of it“…love would have taken the time to understand.  Love would not have found someone trolling for a new place to stick one’s Jimmy.  As ironic as it sounds, this experience has taught me what it means to love myself…something I never really understood until those walls came crashing down on me and I had no one but myself to hold me up.  The validation came from the fact he moved a heifer in less than a month of our breaking up…they both must be nuts.  Of course while he was hiding Quasi in the shadows, and refused to work on any form of closure with me…I received the confirmation that he…”Had to learn how to forgive himself” If that isn’t a sick son of a bitch…no explanation, no closure, no discussion – just POOF!  Four years, down the drain…off to fuck someone else now!  Oh, I do recall he said he liked the chase…poor Quasi must be soooo tired of running…

While this is one experience I can’t say I’d like to have again…I am certain it is one I won’t ever repeat again, and I can’t say I regret it…not because I loved him, but because I finally learned how to love myself…and it feels really good to be able to understand that because of the dynamics of the relationship, there was no way I possibly could have loved him because love entails reciprocity and there was none in this relationship…because of the dynamics of mirroring…essentially I loved myself all along…he reflected all that was good about me, all that was beautiful about me, to myself…it was an illusion to think he created that…he didn’t – I did…the significance is that with some more time under my belt, it proves, I CAN love…AGAIN.

If you are having difficulty coming to terms with the fact that you are dealing with an individual who suffers from an incurable personality disorder specifically NPD, take heed in another woman’s pain who breaks it down systematically.  Almost everyone I know who has read this passage is in awe at how word for word, what she expresses is OUR experience…See:  You Think That You Are So Special…keep in mind that some of the more serious personality disorders overlap in symptoms and so while she speaks of BPD, they are very much the same, it doesn’t matter at the end of the day what you call it…ABUSE is ABUSE.

Excerpted from the Orange Papers:

“Narcissistic need is tremendous. Just as sharks must continually swim to keep from drowning, Narcissists must constantly demonstrate that they are special, or they will sink like stones to the depths of depression.”

Emotional Vampires: Dealing with People Who Drain You Dry, Albert J. Bernstein, Ph.D., page 130.

Unless the subject of the conversation is how great they are, Narcissistic vampires will become visibly bored. One of the main reasons Narcissists wear expensive watches is so they can look at them when someone else is talking. (No wonder the SOB had a penchant for Watches…I learn a little more everyday!) Besides boredom, Narcissistic vampires have only two other emotional states. They’re either on top of the world or on the bottom of the garbage heap. The slightest frustration can burst their balloon and send them crashing to the depths.Emotional Vampires: Dealing with People Who Drain You Dry, Albert J. Bernstein, Ph.D., page 136.

Ironically, if the narcissist sees that you don’t love him anymore he will then be intent on making you hate him. Either way, he will feel powerful in his complete control over you. The one thing that narcissists can’t stand is apathy – towards him.” ~Tigress Luv

Which is why “Dear Narcissist” I refuse to hate you…I am indifferent…you are the disordered object which ceases to have any significance in my realm other than to USE YOU to help others avoid the hell you create…

~Betty LaLuna

How I Earned My Big Girl Panties…

An old posting of mine on a forum that I once participated in…since then I have reflected upon this post and have updated some of my thoughts given my new set of glasses…and ‘clarity’…

It still isn’t a year post Narc and perhaps I won’t have an “anniversary break-up date” because throughout the relationship, we never could agree on what the date was that officiated our getting together – the upside, perhaps this is the ONE consistent thing in the relationship I can reference other than his insanity.

In May 2010 I discovered the Narc was having a Facebook affair with a potential victim in another state. I can cite my recovery (bullshit – it took almost two years) because up until this point, I had a myriad of pet names for her, none of them complimentary (one of them Bill the Moose).  She has officially been absolved of my creative references (only because the one he married is actually quite the troll – hard to believe he could OUTdo himself).  At this point, by default she deserves a thank you note for being the catalyst to my freedom and escape from bondage.  Like many victims (now known as targets), I had no clue what I was dealing with and because this form of abuse is ambient, I cannot begin to imagine my fate, had I not discovered the betrayal.

Like most, the ‘first assault’ the ‘cheating’ was not a deal breaker for me (but I have as a result of this journey a mouthful to say about the topic). Not because I did not value myself but due to the fact I was still stuck in the web and trying to rationalize (a.k.a. men can’t keep their dick in their pants and make ‘mistakes’).  I actually signed up to take blame for his inability to sustain a natural, normal non-disordered relationship. I was giving him the benefit of the doubt he “made a mistake” and did not see I was dealing with a disordered individual who was not making a mistake but feeding a habit, one that envelopes his entire being – one that is an intrinsic part of his nature, one that is caused by a personality disorder and this type of activity, the push pull and compulsion to feed off of others would be something he would be addicted to for life or until the Mental Health industry gets a handle on how to treat individuals who suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

I feel the need to make it clear, there is a distinction between NPD Abuse and someone who cheats (One is personality disordered and one is an asshole).  Just because someone cheats, does not mean they are a Narcissist…there are other choice words when we feel betrayed by a jerk – and in all honesty, sometimes people just become weak for whatever reason and end up straying (spineless, morally bankrupt and useless comes to mind).  We are human and sometimes I question the whole concept of faithfulness and whether it is realistic (it’s realistic, just not with someone who lacks the ability to operate on an honest level); however, when we are dealing with NPD Abuse, the reasons and/or justifications are not the same. In this case, the Narc is cheating to feed his or her own emptiness, the Narc never attached. There was no love from the Narc to begin with, we were used as tools and duped into giving our all to someone who never had any value for us whatsoever, which is why it was so easy for them to execute stealth tactics of abuse. The narc’s mission at the inception was to destroy us, we were objects for the narc to feed off of. We were never viewed as a person with feelings, but an object who eventually like all the other ghosts in the narc closet would have to be discarded the moment we could no longer fill their need.

Their obligation to reciprocate love, nurturing, support, comfort, whatever the terms are in a healthy relationship… that was never there and no matter what you tried to do never had the potential to be there. New victims must accept this fact. We have been victimized (targeted) by an individual who suffers from what the professionals believe is an incurable personality disorder. We’ve been conned to the hilt by a master manipulator.

The early days of my recovery were not easy at all (nor were the middle days). I heard about “Hoover Maneuvers” and prayed I would have one. I also prayed I was wrong, that I was misunderstanding all of this, that the Narc really did love me but was having a “Mid-Life Crisis.” I hoped so many things, I just did not want to accept I had been used, abused and duped. ME of all people…what a blow to my ego. Speaking of which if you plan on recovering, ego needs to be checked at the door as some of the truths you will have to face won’t be pleasant, nor will they be a boost but if you are going to get to the other side, those rose colored glasses need to be removed with a quickness and you have to decide you are going to “Get Real to Heal.” There is no way around this.

We have to come to terms with the fact that we are not special nor is the narc. We have to be willing to go through the deconstruction process in order to rebuild. The other option is to continue to baffle ourselves with B.S. but accept the fact that the Narc is gone and won’t be coming back…He’s left the building…if it makes you feel better, assume he’s with Elvis.

I’ve documented throughout this forum, and through the journey what the early days were like for me. TRAUMA. I was unable to function, unable to speak, a despair like no other. This was grief, it was as bad as the death of a loved one, maybe worse because he lived and that meant I had to deal with outright rejection – but more than that, I had to deal with the after effects of the abuse, the shattering of my self esteem, being used until I was depleted, then thrown away like a used piece of toilet tissue and unceremoniously flushed…while he went around crying victim, elevating himself on my pain and using that to secure even more supply. It was maddening, it was painful, it was degrading, and then to be slapped in the face figuratively with his pointing the finger and calling ME crazy…his projection was what hurt the most…and I knew better, but I completely lost myself.

The general population does not understand how this can occur…they know nothing of the tactics which lead to the emotional, mental and physical decomposition a victim faces when they’ve been narced…nor does the new victim who then sometimes takes part in re-victimizing the old victim…making assumptions based on lies they’ve been told by the narc…it is a web of deceit all around and we never think we will survive…but we CAN and we DO!

I can testify…

And…I want witnesses!

July 21,2010 was a pivotal moment in that relationship. It was the day I came face to face with Narcissistic Rage. I had no idea who that demon was and the Narc was never the same again after that night…this was not anger, this was his insanity manifested in full color for me to see the evil and disorder, the mental chaos and the reality of what I was trapped in. It was the day that unknown to me at the time, would change my life for the better – but I could not see it then. In my disorientation, I still struggled to understand but did not know anything about Narcissism…soon I would find out.

After that night, I hoped we might fix or patch up all that happened…the final blow – my suspicion that he was not only a serial cheater, but upon information and belief was also involved in an affair with an openly gay male. Alternative lifestyles are not offensive to me. What is offensive is the betrayal, the secrets, the dishonesty, and the rage I had to endure because of my fears of not only what he was possibly engaged in, but the very real fear I may have been exposed to Aids because of the background of the individual in question he possibly engaged in such behavior with. He refused a test, he refused to communicate. Instead, he chose to rage and I never got answers. From that point forward, I was on my own. He did his best to confuse me, intimidate me, and blame me. He did everything to avoid the issue. He did everything someone ‘guilty’ does…evade, lie, deceive and attempt to bully someone AWAY from the issue. That alone has placed me in a position where I do not feel he is owed forgiveness. (hint:  Strive for indifference)

He played Russian roulette with my life – as even IF he was not involved in such a relationship, the refusal to talk about it I believe was all part of the Devaluing and Discarding. Not many discuss the real potential of suicide from this type of injury. I was lucky not to have such tendencies. GET TESTED for STD’s! Narcs are famous for risky behavior and going bareback with whatever they choose to be intimate with provided “intimate” is a suitable word for such a ‘masked deceiver.” Narcs take hostages for masturbatory purposes…that is in fact as close as you will get to a narc when it comes to sex…people are vessels for masturbation…any hole will do. If we are going to get real here, understand there is a whole double life you know nothing about and you will never know because the Narc won’t tell you. This is regardless of sexual identity. One can choose to be Pollyanna and dart about with reality – but the reality is: AIDS kills, there are silent carriers and you’ve slept with someone who because they lack empathy holds no respect for themselves, nor thinks of the consequences of putting his or her life at risk, much less yours.

See Also:  Alexandra Nouri “The Narcissist as Sex God”

I don’t believe there is a need for me to go though the entire process I went through blow by blow in my journey (What a lie I’ve authored over 150 blog posts to date). Moreover, my convoluted thoughts are sprinkled all over this forum. My story is posted. Oddly enough when I posted my story, I was still sane (BULLSHIT!). The shock and the trauma did not hit yet. When trauma arrived, it took me for a ride into a black hole. It took a considerable amount of time to crawl out of, that hole and it took every ounce of fight I had in me. I broke NC many times, sent hundreds of scathing emails all in a quest for some kind of reaction. I never got my apology.

On the anniversary of the day that marked coming face to face with the unveiling of the mask…the day I saw the demon exposed in all his rage, yesterday, July 21, 2011 I had my first official “Hoover Maneuver.” A Facebook private message asking me ‘how I’m doing.’ Were it not for all I learned here, or all the work I did, I might have responded. I am proud and pleased to report, I deleted that message. I am a bit surprised at my lack of emotion attached to such an inquiry. A year ago, I would have sold my soul for such a morsel of attention from the Narc. I elected to wait a day to share this, as I felt it fitting to create a new anniversary…a day that marks the real turning point in my recovery. A day that officiates earned indifference. (Bullshit – it took TWO YEARS!!!! But I must say my writing’s improved)

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I encourage each and every one of you to really follow the steps, really educate yourselves, work on retraining your brain, accepting the reality and the fact that you are not to blame. Understand that this has nothing to do with your unworthiness, but the fact that you have been victimized by a very disordered individual and that their discarding of you has nothing to do with your lack of value as a human being.

Do the work – do not believe you need someone to complete you. Those are lines delivered by Tom Cruise in a really cheesy movie…if you are drawn to those lines, remember he was spotted on Oprah jumping up and down on a sofa. Use the image to ground you. Fall in love with yourself. You’re worth it. For every question that you could possibly ask that begins with “Why?” Answer it for yourself: “Because he is disordered and you cannot reason, nor rationalize crazy.”

I started out with a tease on “How I Earned My Big Girl Panties” and I note I did not outline how. In hindsight, simply said, it takes a lot of strength to face the demons, deal with the hurt, and let it out…looking back, I’d say doing a lot of reading and purging helped me get to a place of closure…some things in life can’t be resolved no matter how much we might wish them so…nonetheless, I realize that for as much as he tried to take from me, instead I prospered

Hugs!

The Teacher and Healing

Then said a teacher, “Speak to us of Teaching.”And he said:

No man can reveal to you aught but that which already lies half asleep in the dawning of our knowledge.

The teacher who walks in the shadow of the temple, among his followers, gives not of his wisdom but rather of his faith and his lovingness.

If he is indeed wise he does not bid you enter the house of wisdom, but rather leads you to the threshold of your own mind.

The astronomer may speak to you of his understanding of space, but he cannot give you his understanding.

The musician may sing to you of the rhythm which is in all space, but he cannot give you the ear which arrests the rhythm nor the voice that echoes it.

And he who is versed in the science of numbers can tell of the regions of weight and measure, but he cannot conduct you thither.

For the vision of one man lends not its wings to another man.

And even as each one of you stands alone in God’s knowledge, so must each one of you be alone in his knowledge of God and in his understanding of the earth.

Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

I had a few interesting discussions today, and I try very hard to reflect on my actions as I am still very much on a journey.  I have elected to turn my experience as a survivor of NPD Abuse into something productive which I hope will help others.  The trauma and inner turmoil that results from NPD abuse is mind shattering, heart shattering, and soul shattering.  It is my belief that there are a number of areas we need to focus on and nurture if we are going to triumph in victory and claim ‘survivorship’ which is different from merely accepting and existing.

This experience for me has been a breakthrough on many fronts; however, there is more to this journey.  We can read, research, purge and vent, but what is the goal?  Where is the final destination?  That is what this journey is about.  Certainly in the early stages we are riddled with anxiety, suffering from severe mental anguish, some of us severely depressed, this experience leaves us exasperated and depleted; however, it is an experience that should not be looked upon as in vain, or coincidence…while we were targeted by a pathological, unaware of this disorder, the role that manipulation, gas lighting, mind games and emotional rape, as well as in some cases  physical and/or sexual abuse – the human spirit has the ability to recover.  It is a matter of getting our minds, hearts and souls back in synch.

There are no magic wands, both figuratively or literally – nor is there some magic snake oil that will take it away.  It is a matter of doing the work…facing those demons eye to eye and dismantling them one by one.

Earlier today, I had a discussion with a member who stated they needed time away, I encouraged and supported it because peer support is helpful, but there are many stages to healing and times when we become over saturated with it all, our minds are filled with noise.  We need to take time away sometimes just to exist within whatever silence we can obtain…our minds, our hearts and our souls need rest to regenerate.

Merging all the various stages together does not always work out…those who are new to the process are pouring out their heart and souls as they should because that is an important part of the process.  They are struggling with the why’s the how’s and the WTF’s of all of this disordered chaos that cannot be reasoned or rationalized because it is INSANITY yet, they are struggling very hard with whatever sanity THEY have left to make sense of it all.  Those who have not been afflicted at all by NPD Abuse will not even comprehend the difficulty, the struggle and the challenges that an NPD Abuse victim faces…NPD abuse victims very often do not have tangible evidence to show because they were psychologically battered.  This obviously has an effect on the psyche of the victim.  We are in many cases as a result of this insidious and stealth assault rendered temporarily insane ourselves.  We’ve been involved with an individual who suffers from a pathological disorder that even the Mental Health Professionals throw their hands up to – and yet, the victim is told to suck it up.  Get over it, deal with it…take a pill…a pharmaceutical magic wand…

Those further along in the process, are so happy to be passed the above referenced stage, I imagine them cringing every time they come across a newbie.  Not because they are now so much ‘better’ but because it serves as a FRESH REMINDER…of what they just recently finished battling, they are still emotionally and psychologically bruised, but they are beginning to heal, they can articulate, they can make certain connections, they are still hurting but not as raw…they can somewhat function, they see a glimpse of hope that they will somehow make it out of this rabbit hole alive, but there is a lingering fear that the horror they just escaped can come back at any time, they are unsure of how long they will feel ‘up’ and in this stage there is still a lot of vacillating, a lot of good days still mixed in with bad days…the newbies just help confirm this…help validate this FEAR that is a very real, well-earned and valid fear…this is a fight for life literally and figuratively…one will either heal and put this to rest, or one will be haunted and scarred for life…what determines that is how one approaches healing, if at all.  Trauma is for life.  But there is hope and ways to cope.

Finally, there are those that are standing at the doorway and with one more step they will have reached the light…it is usually at this point one either feels a calling to continue on the journey with others and can do so without too many triggers, or they are strong enough to follow their own path, and begin the process of really rebuilding the new architecture of their lives.  At this point, victims are literally at a fork in the road, they transition from victim to survivor and either continue to help others or go their own separate way, discovering further their purpose. There are some who will end up repeating this experience, as if the lessons were not learned, if the process was not really followed, if they only half heartedly did the work and did not work on the issues and it’s just a matter of time healing the wound, then very likely history will repeat itself.  This is the reality.

Earlier I mentioned I had a discussion with  a member who needed a break…and I encourage everyone to take a break as this is not about ‘control’ and everyone knows what they can and cannot deal with and when the ‘noise’ is getting a bit too amplified; however, in that conversation, I suggested, that the individual take the time that they needed and “BE SELFISH” to which they replied: 

“Focusing on one’s self is necessary only to some degree. I don’t think it is all that often a good thing to actually advise – partly because when one is focused on self then it is the state in which depression occurs, is it not?  Then helping others would be very difficult.”

Under normal circumstances, I would agree.  I hope if the member views this they do not take it as my blurting out our private conversation, in fact they have my assurance that their identity would NEVER be released; however, this is not a normal circumstance and I think many of us have been conditioned to think of others even BEFORE ourselves…personally, early in my journey, the thought of being selfish was equated with something negative…what is important to remember is that we have suffered a serious psychological assault and have been left depleted by giving our all…everything…our energy, our time, our emotions, and were kept teeter-tottering on a merry-go-round of insanity…WE ARE DEPLETED!  The only way to get back to self is to be selfish!  Our resources have all been spent, there is nothing LEFT to give…until we recover…giving what we did not have left to give is what landed us in such a state of crisis.

Equally, it is necessary to explain, focusing on the self is NOT the same as rumination….when ruminating, we are replaying all the tapes, obsessionally going over what has happened and how it affects us…that is not the same as being selfish.  Rumination is a natural part of how the brain processes this trauma until we can come to grips with it, but we also have to do some work re-directing our thoughts after a reasonable time has passed and we find we are still ruminating.  Being selfish means, doing those things that are healthy for us and our healing so that we can begin to fill ourselves and replenish the emotional, mental, spiritual and physical reserves that are depleted.  If we don’t replenish those reserves, we are running on empty, we are operating with VOIDS and we CAN’T help anyone else.  We’re empty.

It is said by most that are familiar with recovery of NPD Abuse that it takes about 18 months to heal…some more, some less; however, if it were broken up in steps, it would average about three months per step; however, sometimes we find ourselves fluctuating so we vacillate between the steps, there is no specific formula  so to speak.  I would say however, IF you feel suicidal, if the depression is getting increasingly worse if you can’t shake it, you may have to explore more than just peer support if that has been your only option, while I am not a proponent for pills, if you need them to take the edge off, get them.  They do not have to be long-term…each of us are different.  Rumination does lead to depression when done for an extensive amount of time…it’s being stuck on the loop, and it happens…but it is important to understand the process and the various elements involved.  Much of it is unpleasant, painful and intense emotionally, but it is what this situation brings to our lives, and it is how we choose to handle it that will dictate the success and the long term benefits of our recovery.

There are various methods of healing and there is no “One Size Fits All” in recovery which is why I encourage everyone to search not only for answers, but their truth…as that is at the end of the day, the whole of what this ‘journey” towards healing is all about.

Finally, as it pertains to teachers…we are all peers supporting one another…NO ONE has more knowledge than you do.  You have this knowledge as a gift from the universe, it is called intuition…just like the aforementioned excerpt from “The Prophet” starts:

No man can reveal to you aught but that which already lies half asleep in the dawning of our knowledge.

YOU ALREADY HAVE THE ANSWERS AND THE KNOWLEDGE AND THE POWER…OWN IT.

The teacher who walks in the shadow of the temple, among his followers, gives not of his wisdom but rather of his faith and his lovingness.

NO ONE IS ANY WISER THAN YOU ARE…WE CONNECT WITH OTHERS TO GAIN INSIGHT, BUT WE ALREADY POSSESS THE POWER WITHIN OURSELVES, OUR FEELINGS AND THOUGHTS ARE VALID, OTHERS CAN SUPPORT US BUT  VALIDATION MUST COME FROM THE SELF…A RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN A TRUE TEACHER IS ONE THAT IS SYMBIOTIC, THE STUDENT DOES NOT ONLY GAIN BUT EQUALLY THE TEACHER…EACH ONE TEACHES ONE…NO ONE IS A MASTER BEWARE OF ‘GURU’S’ BECOME YOUR OWN…

The astronomer may speak to you of his understanding of space, but he cannot give you his understanding.

WE SHARE IN A COMMON EXPERIENCE, BUT FOR EACH, THE LESSON WILL BE DIFFERENT SEARCH FOR THE MEANING…THE TRUTH…YOUR TRUTH…

For the vision of one man lends not its wings to another man.

WE EACH HAVE A UNIQUE JOURNEY…

And even as each one of you stands alone in God’s knowledge, so must each one of you be alone in his knowledge of  God and in his understanding of the earth.

DO NOT TURN YOUR BACK ON THE SPIRITUAL JOURNEY AS THIS IS A DARK NIGHT OF THE SOUL, BUT ALSO A JOURNEY OF SOUL ELEVATION…IT IS A PROCESS OF TRANSFORMATION.

Do the work, work the steps, find YOUR truth, and own it…the creator only creates fine works of art…we are masterpieces, in all our perfect, imperfections…

~Betty LaLuna

A METHOD FOR SOLVING THE ECONOMIC CRISIS BY ADDRESSING DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

According to Sandra Brown, author of “Women Who Love Psychopaths”,  304 million people live in the U.S. One in 25 people will have the disorders associated with ‘no conscience’ which include antisocial personality disorder, sociopath, and psychopath. 304 million divided by 25 = 12.16 million have no conscience. Each antisocial/psychopath will negatively affect approximately 5 partners with their pathology. 12.16 million x 5 = 60.8 million people!  She further shares, The “60.8 million negatively affected by pathology” figure doesn’t include children harmed. Since psychopaths (and other forms of pathology) are hypersexual, they tend to have lots of children. But even if we just allow for the national average of 2.5 children times 12.16 million psychopaths, we add 30.4 million more affected people. Add that to our 60.8 million people, and the number of people negatively affected by their pathology jumps to 91.2 million people. That article can be accessed Here

I am a survivor of Narcissistic Personality Disorder abuse, a stealth form of Domestic Violence that does not always result in physical battery.  Narcissists engage in a myriad of stealth tactics such as manipulation, gaslighting, intermittent reinforcement, which very often results in trauma bonding of the victim, and very often a case of undiagnosed PTSD or C-PTSD.  Unfortunately, many mental health professionals have not been adequately trained by our universities to recognize the signs.  Simply observing the treatment of Veterans that are afflicted with PTSD, provides a clear picture on where Domestic Violence victims stand in terms of access to competent and effective mental health intervention when faced with such a crisis.   Compounding this challenge, many mental health professionals view Narcissists, Psychopaths and others suffering from extreme forms of Cluster B Personality Disorders as ‘untreatable’.  Frankly, they throw their hands up.

If this is the response by the establishment to the ‘offenders,’ in my estimation, victims stand little chance of being understood or treated adequately.  In my case, the three therapists I tried did not ‘get it’ and were more concerned with their billable hours. One actually in my ‘clinically’ traumatized state attempted to short change me by informing me she could see me for a half hour but would still charge me for the standard 45 minute ‘billable’ hour.  She said this with a straight face clipboard in hand as I unraveled in my seat, unable to get a word out without sobbing uncontrollably possessing even less ability to articulate exactly why I was in such an extreme state of distress.  I presume I should consider myself lucky that another ‘qualified’ therapist was willing to label me depressed and issue a purple pill; however, something inside me led me to believe that I was knocking on the wrong doors.  Fortunately I found help, support and healing through an online forum…but it took a ton of research, a lot of pain, purging and suffering to get past it.  I had every symptom of C-PTSD and was rendered LITERALLY unable to speak for a month, as I sat in my room in a fetal position unable to eat, sleep or function.  Luckily, I never felt suicidal; however, there are victims that do take their lives.  This form of abuse in my estimation is homicide by default.  Those who survive, should equally be given the opportunity to press charges.

This experience I believe has placed me in a position to speak with authority simply because I have first hand experience from the trenches and can vouch that there are little protections in place for victims.  I have also been blessed with the opportunity to eventually moderate on a volunteer basis for the forum I obtained healing from.  This particular forum has a global reach as of last report an estimated four million visitors monthly.  I’ve ‘virtually’ shared and seen it all.  While there are certain protections for victims of domestic violence in it’s physical forms, victims of psychological abuse run full speed into a brick wall when it comes to obtaining support, understanding and justice against perpetrators of psychological abuse.  Because there are no visible signs of assault such as a broken bone, a black eye or other physical proof, the victims have no leg to stand on within the justice system.  In order to convict someone of a crime, there must be tangible evidence.  It is a double whammy when the assault is psychological and the ‘experts’ who would be called upon to give testimony are essentially incompetent.  Yes, I DID SAY THAT…INCOMPETENT when it comes to adequately treating Domestic Violence Victims in Trauma.  I cannot speak in absolutes, to be fair, I have heard reports of good mental health professionals; however, those stories are far and few between.

While it would require an entire ‘Think Tank’ panel to study and dissect the causes of the dismal failure of the United States Justice System and how it handles cases of psychological abuse, and given the bureaucracy that is just a natural part of the way our Government functions, it would more than likely require years of study and funding lost in a conundrum.  Being cynical at this point, I’d expect the defending of  the rights of the abuser by some ‘activist’ who wants to make a name for him/herself  who most likely would find allys in agencies such as NAMI, circumventing this process.  Instead, I shall cut to the chase and attempt to offer a possible incentive to get the ball rolling and everyone on board.   Hopefully that will at least tempt the powers that be to consider such a suggestion.  My proposal could potentially put a dent in America’s Debt Ceiling!  The inspiration for such action is not only my experience and that of millions of other victims, but most impressive, an article I read which highlights changes to the laws in France dealing with the exact same societal plague.  The distinction…France addressed the issue.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2010/feb/26/french-jail-psychological-abuse-partners

According to the above referenced article, “Politicians in France from the left and right supported the passing of a law which singles out “repeated” verbal actions intended to hurt the victim’s rights and dignity or their physical or mental health. As well as a jail sentence, offenders could be ordered to pay a fine of up to €75,000 (£66,600).”

A lab rat could don a “thinking cap” and conclude that addressing Psychological Abuse in the United States with a similar law would not only help reduce societal ills caused by domestic violence, specifically recognizing psychological abuse, but also would benefit the economy.

Since we live in a capitalist society, I shall presume the best language is dollars and cents.  Using the figures and statistics above and doing a little handy dandy work on the Internet, converting 75K EURO into the American Dollar, it amounts to $105,529.46 USD.  If the American Government were to implement laws, enforce them, and bring perpetrators to trial for such offenses, and if we were to continue to assume there are 60 million victims of psychopaths and imagine that EACH victim came forward to press charges,  AMERICA would stand to gain $6,331,767,600,000.00…that is:  SIX TRILLION, THREE HUNDRED THIRTY ONE BILLION SEVEN HUNDRED SIXTY SEVEN MILLION SIX HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS…

While we may have a bit of a cold shoulder towards those folks across the ocean…perhaps in this particular instance, we might just want to take a look at how they solved a problem…and solve a few of our own in the process…

Living in a major city in the United States, I witness time and time again, my city’s attempts to raise funds by going after motorists who park their cars on the wrong side of the street.  While I am sure this gimmick puts a little pocket change in the coffers, in my estimation it is petty.  If America is serious about getting out of debt, and improving the quality of life for all of America’s citizens and future generations, I think this proposal might be one of a number of solutions that might actually help bring us back from brink of total economic decline and do a nation ’emotionally’ good in the process.

Domestic Violence affects everyone…it destroys families, it causes life long emotional scars. Scars that if not treated adequately will carry through generation after generation.  Unhealthy pathology will continue to spread, and with the sheer number of mental health professionals that are not adequately treating victims of such abuse, this problem will only get worse.  Until abusers realize they will be held accountable, until this country takes serious action,  I believe we will continue on this societal downward spiral. Addressing Domestic Violence isn’t just the right thing to do, it is the responsible thing to do, if one has taken the oath to be a civil servant. Most importantly, it is a problem that will require more than Abilify to solve.

It is my hope that the laws as they pertain to domestic violence in all forms and the manner in which they are enforced will be reviewed by those in a position to initiate change.  Brian Thomson in an article entitled:  “Follow the Money” wrote:  “Follow the money,” was the memorable quote from All the President’s Men.  Deep Throat advised Bob Woodward that the key to understanding the Watergate mystery was the money.”  In another context but using the same premise, I urge you…”Mr. President, the key to solving the economy…address Domestic Violence in all forms  $6,331,767,600,000.00 is nothing to sneeze at…and a hefty load of  “change.”