How I Earned My Big Girl Panties…

An old posting of mine on a forum that I once participated in…since then I have reflected upon this post and have updated some of my thoughts given my new set of glasses…and ‘clarity’…

It still isn’t a year post Narc and perhaps I won’t have an “anniversary break-up date” because throughout the relationship, we never could agree on what the date was that officiated our getting together – the upside, perhaps this is the ONE consistent thing in the relationship I can reference other than his insanity.

In May 2010 I discovered the Narc was having a Facebook affair with a potential victim in another state. I can cite my recovery (bullshit – it took almost two years) because up until this point, I had a myriad of pet names for her, none of them complimentary (one of them Bill the Moose).  She has officially been absolved of my creative references (only because the one he married is actually quite the troll – hard to believe he could OUTdo himself).  At this point, by default she deserves a thank you note for being the catalyst to my freedom and escape from bondage.  Like many victims (now known as targets), I had no clue what I was dealing with and because this form of abuse is ambient, I cannot begin to imagine my fate, had I not discovered the betrayal.

Like most, the ‘first assault’ the ‘cheating’ was not a deal breaker for me (but I have as a result of this journey a mouthful to say about the topic). Not because I did not value myself but due to the fact I was still stuck in the web and trying to rationalize (a.k.a. men can’t keep their dick in their pants and make ‘mistakes’).  I actually signed up to take blame for his inability to sustain a natural, normal non-disordered relationship. I was giving him the benefit of the doubt he “made a mistake” and did not see I was dealing with a disordered individual who was not making a mistake but feeding a habit, one that envelopes his entire being – one that is an intrinsic part of his nature, one that is caused by a personality disorder and this type of activity, the push pull and compulsion to feed off of others would be something he would be addicted to for life or until the Mental Health industry gets a handle on how to treat individuals who suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

I feel the need to make it clear, there is a distinction between NPD Abuse and someone who cheats (One is personality disordered and one is an asshole).  Just because someone cheats, does not mean they are a Narcissist…there are other choice words when we feel betrayed by a jerk – and in all honesty, sometimes people just become weak for whatever reason and end up straying (spineless, morally bankrupt and useless comes to mind).  We are human and sometimes I question the whole concept of faithfulness and whether it is realistic (it’s realistic, just not with someone who lacks the ability to operate on an honest level); however, when we are dealing with NPD Abuse, the reasons and/or justifications are not the same. In this case, the Narc is cheating to feed his or her own emptiness, the Narc never attached. There was no love from the Narc to begin with, we were used as tools and duped into giving our all to someone who never had any value for us whatsoever, which is why it was so easy for them to execute stealth tactics of abuse. The narc’s mission at the inception was to destroy us, we were objects for the narc to feed off of. We were never viewed as a person with feelings, but an object who eventually like all the other ghosts in the narc closet would have to be discarded the moment we could no longer fill their need.

Their obligation to reciprocate love, nurturing, support, comfort, whatever the terms are in a healthy relationship… that was never there and no matter what you tried to do never had the potential to be there. New victims must accept this fact. We have been victimized (targeted) by an individual who suffers from what the professionals believe is an incurable personality disorder. We’ve been conned to the hilt by a master manipulator.

The early days of my recovery were not easy at all (nor were the middle days). I heard about “Hoover Maneuvers” and prayed I would have one. I also prayed I was wrong, that I was misunderstanding all of this, that the Narc really did love me but was having a “Mid-Life Crisis.” I hoped so many things, I just did not want to accept I had been used, abused and duped. ME of all people…what a blow to my ego. Speaking of which if you plan on recovering, ego needs to be checked at the door as some of the truths you will have to face won’t be pleasant, nor will they be a boost but if you are going to get to the other side, those rose colored glasses need to be removed with a quickness and you have to decide you are going to “Get Real to Heal.” There is no way around this.

We have to come to terms with the fact that we are not special nor is the narc. We have to be willing to go through the deconstruction process in order to rebuild. The other option is to continue to baffle ourselves with B.S. but accept the fact that the Narc is gone and won’t be coming back…He’s left the building…if it makes you feel better, assume he’s with Elvis.

I’ve documented throughout this forum, and through the journey what the early days were like for me. TRAUMA. I was unable to function, unable to speak, a despair like no other. This was grief, it was as bad as the death of a loved one, maybe worse because he lived and that meant I had to deal with outright rejection – but more than that, I had to deal with the after effects of the abuse, the shattering of my self esteem, being used until I was depleted, then thrown away like a used piece of toilet tissue and unceremoniously flushed…while he went around crying victim, elevating himself on my pain and using that to secure even more supply. It was maddening, it was painful, it was degrading, and then to be slapped in the face figuratively with his pointing the finger and calling ME crazy…his projection was what hurt the most…and I knew better, but I completely lost myself.

The general population does not understand how this can occur…they know nothing of the tactics which lead to the emotional, mental and physical decomposition a victim faces when they’ve been narced…nor does the new victim who then sometimes takes part in re-victimizing the old victim…making assumptions based on lies they’ve been told by the narc…it is a web of deceit all around and we never think we will survive…but we CAN and we DO!

I can testify…

And…I want witnesses!

July 21,2010 was a pivotal moment in that relationship. It was the day I came face to face with Narcissistic Rage. I had no idea who that demon was and the Narc was never the same again after that night…this was not anger, this was his insanity manifested in full color for me to see the evil and disorder, the mental chaos and the reality of what I was trapped in. It was the day that unknown to me at the time, would change my life for the better – but I could not see it then. In my disorientation, I still struggled to understand but did not know anything about Narcissism…soon I would find out.

After that night, I hoped we might fix or patch up all that happened…the final blow – my suspicion that he was not only a serial cheater, but upon information and belief was also involved in an affair with an openly gay male. Alternative lifestyles are not offensive to me. What is offensive is the betrayal, the secrets, the dishonesty, and the rage I had to endure because of my fears of not only what he was possibly engaged in, but the very real fear I may have been exposed to Aids because of the background of the individual in question he possibly engaged in such behavior with. He refused a test, he refused to communicate. Instead, he chose to rage and I never got answers. From that point forward, I was on my own. He did his best to confuse me, intimidate me, and blame me. He did everything to avoid the issue. He did everything someone ‘guilty’ does…evade, lie, deceive and attempt to bully someone AWAY from the issue. That alone has placed me in a position where I do not feel he is owed forgiveness. (hint:  Strive for indifference)

He played Russian roulette with my life – as even IF he was not involved in such a relationship, the refusal to talk about it I believe was all part of the Devaluing and Discarding. Not many discuss the real potential of suicide from this type of injury. I was lucky not to have such tendencies. GET TESTED for STD’s! Narcs are famous for risky behavior and going bareback with whatever they choose to be intimate with provided “intimate” is a suitable word for such a ‘masked deceiver.” Narcs take hostages for masturbatory purposes…that is in fact as close as you will get to a narc when it comes to sex…people are vessels for masturbation…any hole will do. If we are going to get real here, understand there is a whole double life you know nothing about and you will never know because the Narc won’t tell you. This is regardless of sexual identity. One can choose to be Pollyanna and dart about with reality – but the reality is: AIDS kills, there are silent carriers and you’ve slept with someone who because they lack empathy holds no respect for themselves, nor thinks of the consequences of putting his or her life at risk, much less yours.

See Also:  Alexandra Nouri “The Narcissist as Sex God”

I don’t believe there is a need for me to go though the entire process I went through blow by blow in my journey (What a lie I’ve authored over 150 blog posts to date). Moreover, my convoluted thoughts are sprinkled all over this forum. My story is posted. Oddly enough when I posted my story, I was still sane (BULLSHIT!). The shock and the trauma did not hit yet. When trauma arrived, it took me for a ride into a black hole. It took a considerable amount of time to crawl out of, that hole and it took every ounce of fight I had in me. I broke NC many times, sent hundreds of scathing emails all in a quest for some kind of reaction. I never got my apology.

On the anniversary of the day that marked coming face to face with the unveiling of the mask…the day I saw the demon exposed in all his rage, yesterday, July 21, 2011 I had my first official “Hoover Maneuver.” A Facebook private message asking me ‘how I’m doing.’ Were it not for all I learned here, or all the work I did, I might have responded. I am proud and pleased to report, I deleted that message. I am a bit surprised at my lack of emotion attached to such an inquiry. A year ago, I would have sold my soul for such a morsel of attention from the Narc. I elected to wait a day to share this, as I felt it fitting to create a new anniversary…a day that marks the real turning point in my recovery. A day that officiates earned indifference. (Bullshit – it took TWO YEARS!!!! But I must say my writing’s improved)

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I encourage each and every one of you to really follow the steps, really educate yourselves, work on retraining your brain, accepting the reality and the fact that you are not to blame. Understand that this has nothing to do with your unworthiness, but the fact that you have been victimized by a very disordered individual and that their discarding of you has nothing to do with your lack of value as a human being.

Do the work – do not believe you need someone to complete you. Those are lines delivered by Tom Cruise in a really cheesy movie…if you are drawn to those lines, remember he was spotted on Oprah jumping up and down on a sofa. Use the image to ground you. Fall in love with yourself. You’re worth it. For every question that you could possibly ask that begins with “Why?” Answer it for yourself: “Because he is disordered and you cannot reason, nor rationalize crazy.”

I started out with a tease on “How I Earned My Big Girl Panties” and I note I did not outline how. In hindsight, simply said, it takes a lot of strength to face the demons, deal with the hurt, and let it out…looking back, I’d say doing a lot of reading and purging helped me get to a place of closure…some things in life can’t be resolved no matter how much we might wish them so…nonetheless, I realize that for as much as he tried to take from me, instead I prospered

Hugs!

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