How a Narcissist Taught Me to Love Again

I spent a year and some change in recovery from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) Abuse…I custom designed my own program (YAY ME) – well, not really but I recovered without therapeutic intervention.  I found a support forum online where I learned it was okay to rant and rave and let it out…and boy did I ever.

I was really in shock and in trauma…I had never heard of NPD before, and I could not connect the dots or even own that such people walk the earth.  My devilish side wanted to call this article:  “Never Let an Ex-Crack Head Mentally Diagnose You” except I realized something significant tonight…I don’t feel connected to the narcissist…at all.  I don’t miss him, don’t care about him, in fact I dare say I even flirted with the idea that perhaps I never LOVED him either!

Then I thought some more – because well, I am a thinking person…sometimes too much for some to handle but I’ve learned to let others deal with their own challenges. It’s not my problem if you can’t handle it…love it or leave it ‘touche.’  Live and let live…a lesson I learned the hard way but I appreciate the wisdom all the same.

I don’t think it’s necessary to rehash the entire process but it is documented all over this blog if you’re curious, feel free to take a look.  When I look back at all of it, I almost cringe because I was so open; however it was necessary in order for me to heal, and with no outlets I chose to take matters into my own hands and let my soul pour out.

I spent a good deal of time pointing fingers at the Narc and YES he deserved every vile thing I’ve said about him and I hope he did read some of it….well, just because!  BUT…at this point it really is water under the bridge.  I don’t hope he stops breathing, but if he does I don’t care.  I call that HEALING!  If you know about NPD abuse you will understand what this means.  When recovering from an NPD abuse relationship, we don’t strive to ‘forgive’ we strive for indifference.  Forgiveness is for us, but having been abused and subjected to Trauma, our indifference IS forgiveness.

What I learned through all of this however, is that there was a lot holding me back from knowing my authentic self.  In fact, I’ve come to the realization that I’ve spent many years blocking and suppressing things and in some respects unconscious most of my life!  Were it not for this experience, I am not sure if I would have fully awakened.  I believe that in some cases, patterns are in place which leave us susceptible to certain problematic relationships and until we become aware of the issues, we will repeat the patterns.  Enter Narc stage left wearing a lettuce toupee just because…I will it so!  It’s MY WORLD NOW!  Just note in my new found indifference, I am unfazed by his ridiculousness…

What I learned is that no one can save you from yourself…and what I learned was I had a closet full of crap to sort through…and I also learned that some people are really good at feigning emotion and are skilled con artists and its important to discern who is genuine and who is simply in layman’s terms:  Full of shit.  A narc for all intents and purposes, simplified without all of the fancy psychobabble is destructive and full of shit…a rancid, deadly, dangerous form of manure – and given this particular Narc’s digestive system, I certainly should have registered THAT as a RED FLAG Given he quickly found another source of supply who more than likely currently is being devalued and discarded on a daily basis (unbeknownst to her of course because that is just how it works).  I almost feel tempted to send a little gift in honor of their little slum shack of a love nest…

Unless you’ve been narced, you simply won’t understand the symbiotic relationship between being indifferent yet still taking every opportunity to be a bit stinging when such an occasion arises when it comes to ‘issues’ narc.  The problem is that with such a relationship, you are left with Trauma and trauma can be managed, but it never really heals completely.  One has to learn how to deal with the triggers.  It’s sort of a parting gift the Narc leaves behind, a little something to remember him by when he’s gone porking another.  Porking because since Narcs can’t love, sex means nothing but using others as a tool for masturbation, and they’re just too damn cheap to buy their own blow up doll – it’s more practical for them to have a ‘tool’ that can not only serve their sexual lusts, but also cook, clean, and manage every aspect of their lives for them…including in some cases sharing rent as most Narcs are pretty unstable in the employment sector as well, but they will do a great job convincing you they are on the cusp of something REALLY GREAT…This of course becomes crystal clear AFTER the fact, yes…you are dealing with a trauma similar to rape…and a grifter.

See:  “Time’s Up” Redefining Rape by Heidi Hiatt

Fraud and coercion are two other major means of achieving power and control over another via sexual violation.  Unfortunately, defining rape as anything but an act of force is stereotyped as feminist or liberal thinking. Reality is that rape committed through fraud and coercion can cause most of the same traumatic effects as rape by force. We don’t need scientific proof of this; just ask someone who’s been through it. PTSD, for example, is alive and well in a wide range of rape victims.” ~Heidi Hiatt/Redefining Rape

The lack of consent exists given you’ve been conned by one of the smoothest and dirtiest operators around.  (Did I mention that by default because they live off of narcissistic supply they are serial cheaters?  Yes, Virginia while you’ve been sitting home darning his socks, removing skid marks from his drawers and cooking his favorite meals getting high off his flattery, he’s been out sticking it to someone else perhaps a few someone elses or frequenting Happy Endings in some seedy massage parlour ‘while at work’  (True Story) and don’t assume a little self love flirting with the same gender is completely ruled out either and despite glaring evidence of the latter be prepared to be called CRAZY or Bi-Polar)  Oh, the joys of awareness, knowledge, wisdom, hindsight and healing….GET.IT.OUT.

Suffice to say, it is important that if you have been Narced, you don’t let the slime bucket, It’s abuse of you, or whatever forms of devaluing took place define you.  The devaluing is actually it’s projection of every vile thing it feels about itself (It simply because we are not talking about humans, but walking talking and in this case farting shells/voids of human beings).

Despite all that I have been though however, I have to be thankful for the experience.  See, while the Narc spent a number of years in incessant chaos (and just maybe now he has finally found his soul mate – someone too oblivious to notice something is seriously flawed) the experience forced me to come to terms with my own demons…demons I had been unaware of.  I was a tortured soul for a very long time and I did not even know it.  At a certain point, I noticed feelings were beginning to surface and I fell into a very dangerous depression.  Of course, the Narc was totally oblivious to this, and of course he grunted like a wild boar that I should just snap out of it.  This coming from someone who preached ‘recovery’ and allegedly had gleaned so much wisdom from the ‘movement’ in fact this was a hypocrite who touted he had to continue to make his NA meetings every week for the “New Comers” this despite being 18 years clean?  I was too naive to know about 13 Stepping…I digress, I am completely confident he had to make those meetings but not for the reasons he stated…he needed those meetings for his narcissistic supply…he could cry victim and pretend to feel while everyone else supported him in all his self-proclaimed victim hood – he could give ‘hope’ to the newly powerless…as for my depression:

See, many will argue that a victim of a Narc is suffering from low self esteem and that is how they ended up in that situation.  I disagree with this broad statement as each situation is different and unless you have in-depth experience with con-artists, manipulators and psychopaths you really have no way of discerning there is a problem or that you are being slowly sucked lifeless. You don’t recognize this until you have been sucked into the vortex fighting for your life and any shred of sanity left.  A Narc attack is subtle, stealth and carefully executed.  While you are sitting there baring your soul, he’s taking it all in simply to determine how best to use you.  Your needs, your feelings, your person…those are all technicalities, something the Narc has to pretend to deal with; however, the main objective is to suck the life out of you to put it bluntly…the Narc can’t survive on it’s own without feeding off of someone… ANYONE… it doesn’t matter who it is, or who it isn’t…if it is a life form and has a pulse that is good enough…which is WHY so many of us end up cluster fucked when we see the Narc’s self imposed demotion…when they trade down with what I have coined a Quasimodo.  We suffer further cognitive dissonance because KNOWING Narcs are grandiose, we at least assume once we learn and OWN they’re blood sucking, controlling, grandiose, power hungry users…we’d at least reason they’d TRADE UP…yes, trade up because at the end of the day, to a narc… we’re just objects, commodities, assets, we’re not people in the eyes of a narc…we’re objects to be traded like…stocks or discarded like someone aptly put it…TOASTERS!

So, in all my depression, realizing I was slowly being emotionally devoured by an asshole (not fully registering an asshole with a severe personality disorder) imagine my disorientation when I was slowly falling deeper and deeper into the rabbit hole over what my life had become under the influence of such a disordered individual, not being able to articulate or understand exactly what was going on, and his triggering old stuff – complimented by his barking I just snap the fuck out of it!…I was under the DELUSION, this son of a bitch loved me…and I had to come to understand I could have slit my fucking wrists and perhaps he would have found my dead body sprawled on the bed with a very dramatic “Goodbye cruel world” note, cats meowing in mourning and this fuck face might have called the paramedics but not before he ordered Chinese take out!  See, a Narc is so detached and lacking in empathy and/or remorse that they can watch you drown and eat a cheeseburger.  Your drowning does not touch on one heart string, what it does, is entertain them…they’re tickled by your pain and have orgasms over your rage.  They’re sick.

Picture this poor ‘victimized’ narc after all his trolling for behiney, and pulling a number of deceptive tricks, waltzing into the NA meetings once a week to “Let it all out” where he could get the sympathy and support of all his comrades, who of course hearing his tales of woe certainly felt moved to convince him I was Bi-Polar.   I was acting out…Narcs drive you there…they make you go BAT SHIT CRAZY…they can take a normal, loving, decent, sane person and turn them into raving lunatics. They gaslight, manipulate, distort reality, engage in neurolinguistic programming  See:  [TheDouchebag’s]  Pickup Guide to Con Artistry and Grifting if you don’t believe me – (not the real title but it’s important you know, such manuals exist) and yes, there are shit bags who will use them…afterall, it’s all part of the game and they’re in it to WIN at your LOSS.  They can and will con the shit out of you and NOPE, if you’re normal, you really won’t be able to see it coming unless you have a ton of shitbaggery within you.  They will have you believing and DEFENDING their bullshit…they’re fucking GOOD!

See:  Covert Narcissist on Hub Pages by Sparkster

When a Narc is about to discard you, generally when they fear you are on to their bullshit,  fearing abandonment, they engage in triangulation,  they pit one person against the other, they cry to the heaven’s and anything with an ear that will listen and begin a gross campaign of pity, they inject just the right dosage of ‘self awareness’ to appear that they are reasonable and not criminally insane and they summon abusers by proxy…they engage in smear campaigns, they get a whole posse behind them to protect them convinced YOU are the abuser, that you are sick and they in a move slicker than Houdini transition into the ‘victim.’ He’s still mirroring, he’s still projecting, this time stealing your EARNED victimhood from you, discrediting you and projecting and absorbing from others, all the sympathy for himself.

I have learned how not to let my anger consume me.  I have also practiced a lot of restraint.  This type of scenario can very well lead to a crime of passion.  There are women who have snapped and killed their abusers.  I will have to say he’s a lucky SOB…that much is true.  But in the end, I have realized that despite the pain, the confusion, the agony I have to come to terms with the fact that this happened, and disordered people exist.  I can’t control that…while I did not elect to stick a heroin needle in my arm, or raise a crack pipe to my mouth…I am powerless over the fact disordered people exist.  I was conned, I was had, I was used, I was abused – never having spent time at the bottom of the barrel, I had no way to be aware of this kind of disorder, or the filth that is attached to it.  I spent time accepting I was victim and the jig is up I am a survivor now.  I am in control now.  I am no longer in the dark.  Trauma still exists and for all his pointing fingers and calling me bi-polar at the sage advice of his “peers” in the rooms…(Lord help them, for they haven’t a fucking clue) in a way he knew exactly what this was, I am sure he’s brought others down to their knees, in fact in hindsight I KNOW he has…I just could not interpret it when he sat there and told me all these sob stories where of course he was the victim and where in my ‘truth’ somehow at the time it was my ‘duty’ to rescue a mangy stray dog, because Jesus said love your neighbor as you would love yourself….I was lucky to get out of that relationship alive…given his disorder, who knows what could have happened…when someone is a serial cheater AIDS is a possibility…

And so, there is nothing to mourn, there is everything to rejoice – I made it out, and I made it out alive without an STD or AIDS…

For the record, my mood swings are not Bi-Polar, they are Trauma and it is something I am working through.  Nonetheless, had I not had this experience I may have never learned all that I have learned about me.  I have learned I am tuff, I am resilient, I am worthy of love and that there was NEVER a need for me to settle or feel it was my duty or obligation to ‘save’ someone else.  I am learning how to establish boundaries, I am learning how to say “NO” without guilt or second thoughts.

Love would never had said:  “You’re in pain, snap the fuck out of it“…love would have taken the time to understand.  Love would not have found someone trolling for a new place to stick one’s Jimmy.  As ironic as it sounds, this experience has taught me what it means to love myself…something I never really understood until those walls came crashing down on me and I had no one but myself to hold me up.  The validation came from the fact he moved a heifer in less than a month of our breaking up…they both must be nuts.  Of course while he was hiding Quasi in the shadows, and refused to work on any form of closure with me…I received the confirmation that he…”Had to learn how to forgive himself” If that isn’t a sick son of a bitch…no explanation, no closure, no discussion – just POOF!  Four years, down the drain…off to fuck someone else now!  Oh, I do recall he said he liked the chase…poor Quasi must be soooo tired of running…

While this is one experience I can’t say I’d like to have again…I am certain it is one I won’t ever repeat again, and I can’t say I regret it…not because I loved him, but because I finally learned how to love myself…and it feels really good to be able to understand that because of the dynamics of the relationship, there was no way I possibly could have loved him because love entails reciprocity and there was none in this relationship…because of the dynamics of mirroring…essentially I loved myself all along…he reflected all that was good about me, all that was beautiful about me, to myself…it was an illusion to think he created that…he didn’t – I did…the significance is that with some more time under my belt, it proves, I CAN love…AGAIN.

If you are having difficulty coming to terms with the fact that you are dealing with an individual who suffers from an incurable personality disorder specifically NPD, take heed in another woman’s pain who breaks it down systematically.  Almost everyone I know who has read this passage is in awe at how word for word, what she expresses is OUR experience…See:  You Think That You Are So Special…keep in mind that some of the more serious personality disorders overlap in symptoms and so while she speaks of BPD, they are very much the same, it doesn’t matter at the end of the day what you call it…ABUSE is ABUSE.

Excerpted from the Orange Papers:

“Narcissistic need is tremendous. Just as sharks must continually swim to keep from drowning, Narcissists must constantly demonstrate that they are special, or they will sink like stones to the depths of depression.”

Emotional Vampires: Dealing with People Who Drain You Dry, Albert J. Bernstein, Ph.D., page 130.

Unless the subject of the conversation is how great they are, Narcissistic vampires will become visibly bored. One of the main reasons Narcissists wear expensive watches is so they can look at them when someone else is talking. (No wonder the SOB had a penchant for Watches…I learn a little more everyday!) Besides boredom, Narcissistic vampires have only two other emotional states. They’re either on top of the world or on the bottom of the garbage heap. The slightest frustration can burst their balloon and send them crashing to the depths.Emotional Vampires: Dealing with People Who Drain You Dry, Albert J. Bernstein, Ph.D., page 136.

Ironically, if the narcissist sees that you don’t love him anymore he will then be intent on making you hate him. Either way, he will feel powerful in his complete control over you. The one thing that narcissists can’t stand is apathy – towards him.” ~Tigress Luv

Which is why “Dear Narcissist” I refuse to hate you…I am indifferent…you are the disordered object which ceases to have any significance in my realm other than to USE YOU to help others avoid the hell you create…

~Betty LaLuna


6 thoughts on “How a Narcissist Taught Me to Love Again

  1. This article made me feel as if I was screaming with my brain.It made me feel strong and understood.Thank you so so much for posting this.
    Most of the articles are written in calm, scientific manner – and it just doesnt resonate with all those messed up feelings I have. I feel mentally raped, tricked, abandoned (although I broke up with him). I feel used and broken. And so I hate him for that and I am scared of the darkness I touched for the very first time in my life. Darkness of evil, darkness of total lack of empathy and regret. Now I know what evil tastes and looks like, it can be hidden and sweet and lie so well. This revelation left me scared of the world, scared of trusting people.
    You know, all the regular stuff narcs do to you…

    I was lucky enough to find out about 11 (eleven- but still – there maybe much much more, since I didnt check the computer) women during 1,5 year of our relationship. We knew each other since highschool, he was my teenage dream. I put him on a pedestal and thought that this is my destiny, this is my Soul Mate.

    I know other stories are much more serious than mine, but it doesnt help that much. Although I can see how lucky I was to get out so early.

    So 3 weeks ago I checked his phone. I have seen whole conversations written and send WHILE he was with me, seducing, flirting, sexting. I have seen texts in which he is hitting on women and inviting them to his house (OUR bed, OUR bedroom, OUR fucking “love nest”), and later – texts about how great the sex was.
    Oh, I was the “special” one, the one prepared to be a wife, a future mother of his children.
    I feel sick to my stomach even now when I realise how little he FEELS.

    Two days before I found out he was persuading me to get pregnant. I could be in so much shit right now. Having a baby with a heartless monster, not even a regular human being – having baby with Hannibal. SO I KNOW I WAS LUCKY. But it all happened 3 weeks ago and there is still so much anger in me, so much helplessness. I wish I could see him in pain, I wish he would at least try to get me back, so that I could be cruel and get some of my anger out – but he has already moved on, probably porking someone else and so on… My only revenge was telling everyone. Now I dont have that need anymore. Some of friends will eventually take his side – I am preparing myself for that. I will be the CRAZY one. FUCK HIM. FUCK THEM. There is plenty people in the world, and I dont need to be friends with everyone. I need to cut myslef out of this web. I want to be free.

    I am working hard to get to the indifference stage. I still find myslef obsessing about this, about him, about how I would hurt him, what would I tell him if I could (keeping no contact) and so on. But its tiring, he is still coming back – and I dont want him in my head anymore.
    So I learn to cut out.
    The most helpful tip I’ve found in the internet is to visualise a border around your body.
    A border of energy, your energy. When I feel as if he was close to my thoughts again, close to my heart – I imagine this protective border around my body NOT LETTING HIM IN. He cant touch me, he cannot manipulate my thoughts. I control my thoughts. He can only stay aside and stare at me, until he completely dissapears.

    Thank you for that article. It was awakening to see how much power lies in anger – even when your anger is written:)

    hugs to all the narc victims.
    We are lucky to be out. We our lucky not to be in the darkness anymore.

    • Maia,
      Thank you so much for visiting and taking the time to share your commentary. It took me a long time to get past the experience, but approaching the 4 year mark it has all been purged. I wish you well on your continued journey. Please believe me, it will all be released. You will heal and you will love again. In hindsight time really was the secret, along with purging and venting…it’s one of those things where there is no other choice but through it…there was no moving around it – I tried my best to fake my way through – until I realized wasn’t happening. Once I surrendered I embarked on the most significant journey of my life thus far. I am saddened it took so long but I truly feel incredibly grounded…trust yourself and the process. Be blessed…

  2. Beautifully written and absolutely spot on, especially the bit where you stated they are “a rancid, deadly, dangerous form of manure” – and that’s putting it mildly! Thanks for including a link to my Hubpages article on covert narcissism too.

    • Sparkster, an absolute honor to meet you! Thank you so much for your kind words, your work helped me in the midst of the storm. I salute you and thank you for dropping in…

  3. “Don’t assume a little self love flirting with the same gender is completely ruled out either and despite glaring evidence of the latter be prepared to be called CRAZY or Bi-Polar) Oh, the joys of awareness, knowledge, wisdom, hindsight and healing….GET.IT.OUT.”

    Funny you mentioned it, but I was a little suspect at first about whether he was on the down low [DL]. He would perform the Drama Queen on point and follow it up with “but I’m not gay” comment, make homophobic comments, recount experiences about sleeping with a lot of women…come to think of it; it would make sense if he is a latent homosexual or bi-sexual. Considering he would quite possibly do anything if the price is right. Like a wannabe prostitute without a plan. Maybe he has to find a way to prove to himself that he is “A MAN” in the alpha sense, while honing his metrosexual grooming needs. It’s bizarre, really, I mean I usually go for rugged looking handsome men. The kind that when you look at his hands, you know they’re a hard worker. The ex use to say to me “see I can go shopping with you, get a mani/pedi with you, let you know what looks good on you…”, I was more of a tom-boy growing up, still cannot stay in a mall for more than an hour, just in and out. Maybe I was getting in touch with my feminine side while with him? Hell, I rarely do mani/pedi’s unless its a special once in a lifetime occassion! WTF was I thinking? Lols… ain’t that some shit?

    • It’s definitely some shit…and while not a mental health professional I dare say…”You’re NOT crazy!” Go with your gut…and if you haven’t…get tested. I say that in the best interests of your well being. Sending love and light your way…

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s