I have time and time again witnessed victims of NPD abuse report that the OW, somewhere out of the blue surfaced after a few months of “honeymoon bliss” and approached the victim to ‘ask questions.’ I’d say ninety percent of the time, the victim unwittingly falls into the trap of providing information, sharing stories, and thinks somehow they will gain a friend out of this communique – only to end up feeling duped once more when all of a sudden the OW retracts.
I don’t play chess but allegedly there is a chess move entitled: “The Chameleon Variation of the Sicilian Defense Trick.” That move, amongst others can be found Here if you’re a chess player.
The Chameleon Variation of the Sicilian Defense Trick is described as follows:
Another trick which makes use of this trapping pattern, but to even greater effect, occurs in an unusual line of the Chameleon variation of the Sicilian. 1. e4 c5, 2. Nc3 Nc6, 3. Ne2 (This is quite a sneaky move; white waits for black to commit himself to a particular set–up before deciding whether to play an open or a closed Sicilian.) 3. … Nf6, 4. d4 (This is probably the wrong decision. White should play a closed Sicilian here with 4. g3.) 4. … e6, (4. … cd 5. Nxd4 would of course transpose to a main line classical Sicilian) 5. d5 ed, 6. ed Ne5, 7. g3?? (7. Nf4 is better, and quite interesting) 7. … Nf3#. Quite a shock!
I thought the aforementioned chess move was an appropriate description of the dynamics involved when one unwittingly falls into this type of trap – especially when they are not adequately healed…beware of this move and don’t step onto the board if you’re not prepared to win.
I think many victims of NPD abuse succumb to the temptation to communicate with the OW because despite the pain, and sometimes the jealousy attached, as women we still have an intrinsic calling to want to protect and especially with this type of abuse, even if we have certain mixed feelings, we don’t want to see anyone suffer what we’ve suffered, and so for a moment we forget that the OW may not necessarily be out for anything other than to manipulate. We forget that there are all kinds of people out there, and because of what we know, and our experience, we tend for a time to morph into these beings who want to shout the news from the rooftops that bad people exist and everyone should be aware; however what we need to remember is that everyone ‘gets it’ in their own time.
When the other woman does not respond in the manner that we ‘hope’ they would, many end up feeling ‘used’ and ‘re-victimized’ ‘duped’ and ‘tricked.’ Usually as a response to these feelings, the victim then does an about face and begins to want to trash the other woman; however, I think rather than engage in that type of behavior it is wise to use the experience for growth. While this experience is painful – many times with PAIN comes GROWTH…so take it in stride – let’s examine it another way…
First – for all the criticism of how ‘stupid’, ‘naive’ or what a “B*tch” the OW is, did we not at some point sit in that SAME seat? Were we not in the fog second guessing and believing that the WHOLE world just ‘misunderstood’ the ‘Poor PITIFUL Narc’? YES we did which is exactly how we landed where we are. So while the OW engaged in “The Chameleon Variation of the Sicilian Defense Trick” Who really won? That’s right – YOU DID! Why? Well, because she’s handling the mess so you don’t have to. Remember the words of Auntie Alex to those who choose to stay with a Narcissist:
“If your narcissist throws you a crumb of attention, take it and savor it and deluge him with appreciation for it. Do NOT under ANY circumstances snort with disgust and drop his sorry ass to free yourself up for someone much, much better. Hang onto him at all costs. ALL COSTS. This won’t do you a damn bit of good, but it (staying with the narcissist) will help keep him away from the rest of us.”
What we have to understand here, is that the Narcissist is a user, a predator and one of the best con artists around. What we have to own is that we have the secret key and we now have sufficient narcdar to know when a narcissist is lying (his lips are moving) the little lady a.k.a. OW doesn’t have the slightest clue which is exactly WHY she reached out to you. BUT denial is a mother fletcher and just like the truth is a shock to us, it will someday (unless she’s a well behaved doormat) equally be a shock to her. Let’s be honest…who really is able to admit their judgement is wrong and they’re being played for a sucka? Not many…it takes a lot of insight, experience and yes, pain to come to this realization…just take inventory of what we went through and how long it took us to wake up. Try to have some empathy here, Sleeping Beauty on the chess board has no clue what is about to hit her. To illustrate our upper hand in this scenario, earned by experience, a lot of tears and in some tragic cases even a few STDs…let’s use pictures. Let’s use a visual symbol of birds and what our world looks like in the aftermath:
On the other hand, this is her visual of birds:
That being said, it’s simply a matter of being on two different levels. Neither one at a tactical advantage.
So, how do we recover from the Chameleon Variation of the Sicilian Defense Trick?
Simple: First, if you haven’t been approached YET – keep this little lesson in mind – don’t bite. YOU ARE NOT THE FAIRY NARC MOTHER.
Second: If you haven’t sufficiently healed and you’ve been approached and bit the bullet without the results you desired – understand that your biting most likely came from TWO places: A. Seeking closure because the piece of shit never provided it for you and B. Wanting to be a good person. That’s not a crime. If the OW is stuck on stuck, you can’t own that problem – that’s her little red wagon now. You really ought to thank her as she’s keeping him occupied and off your lawn. Pray they last or she gets out either one is fine but DETACH. Neither one of them are your concern.
Now, I also get a ton of pvt. messages and the victims share: “The OW told me everything he’s told her and it’s all lies, and we compared notes, blah, blah, blah, ‘she told me he said he used me’!” Now this particular admission from the OW could have a few motivations. It could be that in sharing, and suspecting something is wrong, she was doing her best to be honest and does not fully understand how psychological abuse and narcissists work, and in her denial, it was not meant as a personal attack but the news is just as much a shock to her and her defenses are up and she’s just sharing fully forgetting the positions you play in this TRIANGLE that the narc has so cleverly created, OR…she really does feel inadequate and is desperately grabbing at straws because the Narc has used you even in your absence to fuck with her mind and so she sees you as the THREAT…either way, the delivery of the news that we were used isn’t really a surprise is it? NOPE, it’s not…and for all her projection, the reality is that while she’s pointing the finger she’s failing to see who is being used NOW.
Let’s use the magic of hollywood to demonstrate this point. This is where the OW THINKS you are:
When in reality here is where you really stand – whether or not you know it yet….
He really WASN’T MAN ENOUGH for you – so really it is no sweat off your back. For all her thinking she’s got the upper hand and she’s gonna try to milk it on both sides for her ‘perceived’ tactical advantage, here is the bottom line:
AND, given the Chameleon Variation of the Sicilian Defense Trick…if it is all it is described to be, and if countless others have not been wrong in their reports…eventually they’ll both self destruct – luckily you won’t be there to witness the fallout…this is usually when the AHA moment hits ’em…lucky for you – it really won’t matter all that much…
Don’t be a ‘Silly Rabbit” if the OW chooses not to get it – simply humor her and keep walking – there is a life to be lived and the same way we learned – she will too…you can lead a horse to water, you can’t make ’em drink it. Keep moving forward…
Let’s get real NARCS don’t change their LIES it’s the same script with a new victim that’s all, just like they played us, they play everyone…nobody is special or unique in the Narc’s web. Shoot, Narcs don’t even change their underwear without guidance and feeding off of someone…Don’t sweat this get on the road to healing and wipe the dirt off your feet…he’s her “Knight in Shining Tin Foil” now…