Narcissists are entertaining creatures to observe when you’ve gotten past the trauma. Once you are aware of the red flags, you can predict exactly why they do the things they do. You become in-tune with their brand of psycho babble and can identify a narcissist within seconds.
Narcissists are complex organisms chock-full of contradictions. While the Narcissist suffers or rather revels in delusions of grandiosity, simultaneously his genuine existence is riddled with insecurities and complexes that run so deep, if he were to discover his real self, many have said it would drive him/her insane enough to commit suicide.
Nonetheless, one of the more interesting contradictions is how despite the Narcissist believing that only the finest will do “The best and the brightest,” and it has been cited they strive to find the most Alpha of Females to destroy in order to fuel their ego, the panel remains stumped when the Narcissist does an about face and decides that some poor woman who may be quite the merry soul, barely scratches the surface of the brains, beauty and class of Quasimodo. Many victims who are well educated, articulate, established, independent, and beautiful experience cognitive dissonance on this observation alone.
Earlier this evening, I had the privilege of commenting on Narcissism and the work we do on the forum on The Ivory Tower, a radio program hosted by Larry Sharpe which is broadcasted live via the Internet on the Talking Alternative Broadcasting Network. It was a very interesting discussion to say the least as the topic was Infidelity.
The typical reasons why people cheat were discussed: dissatisfaction, feeling ignored and/or neglected, financial problems and/or other “stressors.” Nonetheless, what struck a chord was Mr. Sharpe asking: “Why is it that men (and in this case, he also referenced celebrities and politicians in the news) have very self confident, beautiful partners – powerhouses in their own right, yet feel the need to stray with the maid, or women far “inferior” to what they have at home?” I believe Mr. Sharpe hit the nail on the head when he expressed he believed it had to do with a (cheating) male’s low sense of self esteem. He shared it was his feeling that the male needs ego stroking and a sense of power. Titrating down is the easiest way to achieve that. I responded that in addition to that, I am of the opinion that a major factor in such activity has to do with Narcissism. That does not mean I think EVERY man or woman who cheats suffers from a personality disorder; however, when we examine this discussion, from the perspective of a “victim” of Narcissistic Personality Disorder Abuse, I believe this same dynamic holds true.
For those beautiful, articulate, bright and empowered women who are temporarily experiencing technical difficulties due to being unceremoniously dumped for Quasimodo, this post is especially for you!
The first thing you must remember coming out of the fog is that a Narcissist experiences a FALSE sense of grandiosity. He is nowhere near superior, no matter how much he lays claim to aristocracy. Deep down inside that chicken nugget of a heart, or brain – the jury isn’t out yet – he KNOWS he’s far from superior. While initially a large part of the lure for a narcissist is the “Chase” or the “Conquest” of a beautiful, articulate, strong independent woman who is a challenge, his goal is to shake you down. You on the contrary were operating on an open and honest level, and were naive to his schemes. While you were razzled and dazzled by his B.S., he had the GPS programmed and the plan in place within five minutes of meeting you. He sized you up, figured out where your weak spots were, fixed his reptilian gaze on you and dove in.
He convincingly engaged in all the typical courtship actions such as: flattery, attention, and charm to suck you in. Some of you might have been fortunate enough to get a bouquet of flowers from the 99 cent store (Narcs are CHEAP!) In turn, you found his “creativity” under such financial distress “thoughtful” then set out to help make him whole because that is what we as women are naturally wired to do. We mend things, we nurture, we bring the dead back to life. Narcs know this. You may have even noticed a peacock feather or two slip out of the waist of his pants as he professed undying love and admiration, at the time, you may have never even given it a second thought, a peacock may have been his last victim – instead you thought it was part of his “effort” to impress you. After all, these are the things all good fairy tales are made of. Even in the preliminary stages of non-disordered relationships there is an expectation of some form of “courtship” an effort on the male’s part to secure our affection.
As women, we acknowledge that the average male needs a certain amount of ego stroking; however, we also expect that he knows in the New Millennium, we are no longer in the era of June Cleaver and cannot afford to don the apron and oven mitt as we have our own affairs to tend to and time is money. While we do our best to keep everything in balance, sometimes something suffers, and usually it’s the relationship. This is where Narcissists become a bit antsy.
Narcissists have such a bottomless pit of insatiable need, it isn’t humanly possible to satisfy them. No matter how much you try, you will always be dangled at the end of the rod accused of not doing enough. This is when a Narcissist decides its time to move on. Narcissists don’t believe in “work” they’re lazy and tire easily.
When the Narcissist begins to engage in his TEXTBOOK campaign of devaluing, if you don’t acquiesce to his unreasonable demands, you are punished and discarded. It is important to note that before he even begins to devalue like any other addict (addicted to SELF) he knows he needs to have his drug on hand. He has already executed the back pocket plan a new primary source of supply and perhaps a few extra sources for good measure just in case he is unable to successfully break you.
Many may be asking: “But what happens when the new source of supply turns out to be Quasimodo?“
I think it would be safe to assume that for however much you feel abused, degraded, devalued, denigrated and traumatized, there was still a strength that the Narc sensed within you and he absolutely hates the fact that he was unable to destroy you. This to him is an epic fail and a blow to his fragile ego.
It’s worth repeating…The Narcissist’s goal was to destroy you. The fact that he feels he was not able to, regardless of YOUR perspective, his EGO has been so severely bruised because the mission was not accomplished, he forges ahead and seeks out someone (in his mind someTHING) he can easily exploit to help boost his now severely damaged self esteem. Please note: You did nothing to cause this in him…it was already there. His flocking into the loving arms of Quasimodo is EVIDENCE of this.
I have had to deal and come to terms with the Narcissist of my former life’s insanity and understand the dynamics involved in order to arrive at some sense of peace with this whole situation. Like any woman who has been betrayed, I went through a process of trying to build myself up, and in that process, sometimes it involved putting others down. I suspect he had his supply lined up but just forgot to mention it. Even more pathetic, was the enormous amount of trolling he did even under these self centered pre-arranged circumstances. Equally baffling was that each potential victim appeared to be the dimmest bulb on the string of lights.
Regardless of whether or not this is the truth, we all know when denied closure we never do get to the facts but can only speculate. At the end of the day, it really does not matter what the truth is because the mental illness we refer to as Narcissism trumps everything. There is enough information out there to validate what the reality is in reference to these individuals.
You cannot reason or rationalize insanity and the Narcissist is truly the embodiment of clinically insane. I’ve counted at least a hundred members who have reported, that the Narcissist projected his affliction onto us in the form of “diagnosing” us Bi-polar. I suspect Narcissists love labeling victims as suffering from this disorder because it is a common diagnosis in the media. A narc would never, even if they did have valid suspicions about our mental health, take the time to really research anything. Instead, they repeat like trained parrots what other’s say. They have no identity, just what they can suck from others.
Narcs will never do the work to get to the root of their challenges, after all, their disordered thinking has them convinced they’re perfect and the rest of the world has a mental disorder. What is interesting is that in the Narc’s erroneous projection of Bi-polar, it is a very BIG CLUE that he is the one who suffers from mental instability. The only thing Narcs CAN DO is project, they will never own accountability no matter how much they profess it. Never believe he is projecting his “true” affliction. He’s not bi-polar… he’s a psychopath.
When a Narcissist prefaces any sentence with the word “YOU” that is a clue he’s about to admit something flawed about himself. This is something to keep in mind when you are ruminating. Many of the answers you seek are within the lines he delivered that started with the word “YOU.” Those are the sentences you should process as your answers. DO NOT OWN any of it or absorb it as it is his disordered thinking that is causing him to project his weaknesses on to you. He can’t bear to face those things within himself. Your answers lie in each and every projection he directed your way, except, they pertain to HIM.
Finally, whether Quasimodo entered stage left as the other woman, or was targeted just like we were, while it is understandable that at times, because of not accepting how sick the Narcissist is, we still cling to the illusion of “What could have been if we tried harder” or “How things could have improved if HE tried to understand” all of that is totally useless thinking as there is no changing a Narcissist. From the moment you said: “Hello” this relationship was doomed to hell. There was/is nothing else that can/could be done. He is incurable, disordered, his thinking is irrational and defies all logic. He is SICK.
Quasimodo on the other hand is in even more of a precarious position. While sometimes those less attractive have beautiful hearts and great personalities which make up for the lack of the more sought after qualities, oftentimes, “Unattractive” women know the odds are stacked high against them. More than likely, they have had a lifetime of being ignored because we live in a society that is very entrenched in vanity. Presumably they have spent many a lonely Saturday Night dateless and alone and when anyone shows them a morsel of attention they lap it up like a starved puppy, because EVERYONE wants and needs love and affection. The Narcissist targets these types of victims strictly because they are privy to this notion as well. Rather than envy or hate the “unattractive” replacement that has left your head spinning even more in the abyss of cognitive dissonance, absorb this tidbit and understand a little empathy goes a long way. She too will very soon walk the path you’re walking and may be even more damaged, as her self esteem may not have been in too great a shape to begin with. If their relationship exhibits any staying power it may be because she’s desperate and puts up with what you refused to accept.
In closing, to those of you who have been dumped for Quasimodo, do not delude yourselves into thinking that somehow he’s performing better for her. He’s not – in fact, he may be even more brutal as he already knows she started out at a deficit and if anything fuels a narc, it is power and control – something that in REALITY, he never did have over you.