Who Crowned You the Fairy Narc Mother? a.k.a. Should I Warn the Other Woman?

One of the most popular questions that arise when dealing with the aftermath of NPD abuse is:  “Should I warn the other woman?”  This is not an easy question to answer…it’s not a YAY or NAY scenario, it is dependent upon circumstances.  I opine the best course of action when flirting with the idea is to WAIT…just be still.

In many instances, in fact, I can’t think of one instance where this hasn’t happened, and trust me, I’ve read perhaps thousands of accounts by this point…and am a survivor myself…we were discarded as the result of the Narc finding new ‘GULLIBLE’ supply.  If we are going to wear big girl panties and if we’ve moved far enough away from the situation, we can look back OBJECTIVELY and also admit we were also GULLIBLE or else the narc would not have been able to pull off what he did…Narcs are equal opportunity exploiters so no one is “Special” here…

That being said…think back…go ALLLL the way back…go back to his ‘first’ story of victim hood…the one where he was laying the foundation…for some the story went:  “I haven’t had sex in 18 months, my wife doesn’t understand me” or “We have an open relationship” my personal favorite:  “She’s crazy”  (and you might be laughing at the last one cause there is something about humor and truth and if you’ve moved far enough away you also know he said this shit about us too)…LOL cause that is just what they do…LIE like rugs and find a new sucker…

BUT…before you wrap yourself up in the “Cloak of Empathy” it is important to examine your motivation for wanting to “Warn” the newest victim.  Is it really empathy or is it some delusion that you might actually get some revenge out of it?  Be honest with yourself…

If you are flirting with this idea…you are not sufficiently healed yet.  If you were sufficiently healed, you’d know that jumping the gun would most likely boomerang right backatcha…

What one is failing to grasp when flirting with this knee jerk reaction of wanting to “Warn the new victim” is that you were discarded at least six months before he took up with the hootchie (it’s okay to call her a hootchie even if she isn’t really one but a fool just like we were – we’re dealing with anger here so the only rule is we cannot act out the anger in ways that are destructive to ourselves or others).  If you really really take time to absorb all that has happened and connect the dots, you will see – if you are being honest with yourself, that a Narc is systematic in his method of hunting.  He is constantly on the prowl.  You may not have caught every instance; however, the illness lends itself to a obsessional compulsion to feed – and there are no limits which is why we also hear stories of homosexual relationships with Narcs…they’re not homosexuals…in a sense they are asexuals feeding themselves…which is another reason why porn and masturbation are so appealing to them as well.

Before the narc unceremoniously dropped you on your head, he lined up several sources of supply…and when you ripped that mask off – which he knew was coming, he already had a place to land…he juggled several during this phase lining up the best source.  I remember noting how incapable the narc appeared to be in self sufficiency and at times I would ask him (being the good servant) how on earth would he survive if he didn’t learn basic skills and he flat out said:  “I’d find someone else to do it for me.”  In all my “self sufficiency” and “independence” I could not fathom that in fact this could be the truth.  I shrugged it off, it went right over my head.  It was one of a few truths that were revealed but due to their great ability to master NLP, if you are not skilled in the art of CON, when there are little glimmers of truth knocking the shit out of you somehow you miss the cue…the man spoke the truth…it doesn’t matter WHO…and no one is special…a tool is a tool  that is what you were to him…and that is what SHE is now…

The question is:  “Is she worth saving?”

That’s another hard question…as I am learning we can’t save anyone unless we can save ourselves first…we have got to get off the Drama cycle and get our head straight.  If we are considering NC, then for all intents and purposes I’d have to question the motivation of saving the OW…after all, did anyone SAVE US?  But it goes deeper than that…for all the brainwashing the narc did – when we where high off the sex hormones cause he was just rocking our world and hypnotizing us with all his bullshit, if anyone dared to tell us we were laying down with a pathologically disordered narcissistic bottom feeder….would we believe it?  Moreover, would we believe it if it came from what was labeled as a “Crazy Woman?”

I know in my case, the narc had me so convinced his ex was unbalanced and an abuser, I rushed to rescue his ‘traumatized’ soul having NO IDEA whatsoever, that all those “False reports of Domestic Violence” were more than likely REAL REPORTS which was WHY I never saw the documents proving the contrary.  He probably was never arrested because like most DV victims, while she had to call the police to save herself, she took mercy on him, and did not wish to see her son’s father go to jail.  This happens a lot.  Bless her soul she fought for supervised visitation, and I pray she keeps it.  Given what I know now, the sucker projected his sickness onto his ex, pointed fingers, blamed her, got abusers by proxy to finish the job and walked off into the limelight with a posse of rescuers leaving her and her son destitute without a leg to stand on…and yes, he also conned me to become an abuser by proxy as well.  I am not proud of this; however, it is important that people understand how dangerous these son of a bitches are…ESPECIALLY the courts.

The beauty of hindsight as I reflect I remember her ranting and saying things about him, that just seemed on the surface like a woman scorned – after all, he was such a darling little sheep…

what you have to remember before you go out on a limb is that the ramifications for such a risk can be deadly and you had better be armed well in self defense if you take that risk – because not all victims are created equal…some are more prone to Stockholm Syndrome and will follow the Tammy Wynette “Guide to Relationships….”

AND…you will have to accept that this is their choice and it’s okay…if you look at Tammy carefully, I am confident if you are out of the fog, you wouldn’t want to be her…

For all it’s worth, warning the other woman when you are not sufficiently healed is an exercise in futility only because you don’t own enough of the dynamics yourself to remain objective.  If I would have engaged in such an exercise early on, I believe it would have become a very nauseating and self defeating Karpman Drama Triangle…or maybe even a quadrangle, who knows…maybe a pentagangle if such a thing exists…I’m sure it does in the Narc’s world.

See, what I have come to realize, is that in part, our own Ego left us vulnerable…somehow in all this chaos and looking back, let’s be honest, it was SICK, not even good material for a Lifetime movie…somehow we lent ourselves to the delusion that we could ‘fix’ this and in time with enough ‘love’ we could make things right…we fell for the potential and the great ‘hope’….

If by chance you are approached, as I’ve also noted when the new OW gets a ‘whiff’ sometimes they do reach out to the old…it will be up to you to decide if you wish to engage.  I know I reached out to my “predecessor” in search of answers, I think it’s what most of us do when we have no clue…and generally by the time that happens they’re over it…if they’re lucky…but when you are the one approached…it would depend upon where you stand on the issue.  I think if you are sufficiently removed emotionally, there is no harm in giving information, but I would not get caught up in thinking you’re gonna become allys…I think the most responsible thing would be to as objectively as possible point the new victim in the right direction then disengage.  If you’re not approached, I don’t think one should go looking…because there are too many instances where victims are brainwashed, and you don’t know what imbalance the new one may be suffering with, there are statistics that indicate that in some instances, narcs do attract others with certain disorders, although this is not every case but the danger is…you don’t know – you have no idea what could be playing out behind the scenes and really what importance do either one of them hold in your recovery?  NOTHING….

SO…should you warn the other woman?  Personally I think it’s an exercise in futility.  I think the best answer is to put the focus on you…heal YOU…worry about you…get to where you need to go and if the occasion arises, make a decision when you are approached, but don’t go out on a limb…

The Narc for all his cleverness already beat you to the punch, you will have to take the hit, let him have the point and call it a day…in the end, like everything else, water seeps its own level and eventually they get theirs…might be on their deathbed when no one comes around but they do get theirs…revenge is not yours to take.  Create GOOD karma in your life, get it out, vent, cry, scream, rage, yell do what you have to do to get back to whole, and never mind about the OW…

Alexandra Nouri wrote a great post about it….

Here:  http://alexandranouri.wordpress.com/2011/01/30/so-youre-in-love-with-a-narcissist-part-1/

Here:  http://alexandranouri.wordpress.com/2011/01/31/so-youre-in-love-with-a-narcissist-part-2/

AND Here: http://alexandranouri.wordpress.com/2011/02/01/so-youre-in-love-with-a-narcissist-part-3/

The part that resonated with me the most when it comes to an indirect gain a new victim provides for us is the following:

“If your narcissist throws you a crumb of attention, take it and savor it and deluge him with appreciation for it. Do NOT under ANY circumstances snort with disgust and drop his sorry ass to free yourself up for someone much, much better. Hang onto him at all costs. ALL COSTS. This won’t do you a damn bit of good, but it will help keep him away from the rest of us.”

Because in a sense, when a Narc is occupied with new gullible supply, it guarantees they won’t come hoovering back our way…in a way, the Victim by default whether we wish to give them credit or not are actually saving US from the Narc – and it is tragic, but hey if you are gonna survive, sometimes you gotta take the:  “Better her than me” stance…and know the same way you got through it, you will have to pray she can and will too…but It’s NOT YOUR PROBLEM…You are NOT the FAIRY NARC MOTHER….

If after all this contemplation you still insist, then it’s all on you…I’ll admit I’ve shared some nuggets of hard earned wisdom with a victim in the Narc’s circle after being approached.   The upside, I could give a crap either way so there was no harm done…they’ll either save themself or age rather ungracefully.   Either way, I’m free! That’s all that matters to me…

Cause with a Narcissist:    “No One Gets the Prize”  you can take that to the bank!

Peace….xoxo

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4 thoughts on “Who Crowned You the Fairy Narc Mother? a.k.a. Should I Warn the Other Woman?

  1. When I was told that my X had a new girlfriend (who I’m sure he set up before I ran), I was already fresh in the understanding of how completely dangerous he really was (and is). It was triggering to me…very triggering, as I was thrown back into the abuse, imagining what she was already going through with the Psychopath. I opted not to go to her or seak her out, as that would have started a new barage of shit between him and I. I was so screwed up at that point already, and the last thing I wanted was more of the same. All I could do was talk to the person who let me know, and request that above all, that he and his wife make sure the girl KNOWS she has someone she can go to. She doesn’t have to be afraid to talk to them. It’s the only option. The girl married my X-monster. I worry about her, though I don’t know her. I know what he’s doing to her and I can’t stop it. All I can do is pray for her eyes to be opened before it has gone too far.

    When deciding to talk to the new woman or not, remember that your best option in healing is to remain NO CONTACT whatsoever. If you approach the new woman, the chance of her talking to him about WHO she talked to would make it very difficult to remain NC. It would begin the abuse again, as well as further smear campaigns. I’m happy to be free from him. I pray she will see the monster he is, and run. If I hear of any court proceedings between the 2 of them, I will be there for her and testify on her behalf. She has a friend, here, that she’s never met.

    • Oh, they have several they set up beforehand, in fact they have several side chicks all along but that is a whole other story. You are very gracious in being willing to testify on her behalf…for me – NC is NC…I made sure to give the ‘instructions’ before I departed…the rest is on her. Sometimes you gotta do your own walk you know? The same way we dug ourselves out, she’ll have to learn too – no one spoon fed me…moreover, by the time she wakes up I recon I won’t be much interested. It’s like the Godfather “Every time I get out they want to pull me back in.” I am confident she’ll find her way the same way all of us did. Then again, I am just a touch jaded in that I see this all very matter of fact. I get how a newbie will have to go through the stages, but I don’t really see myself playing the hero…been there, done that…today I’m saving myself…might sound selfish, I call it loving myself…once you are past drama you don’t crave it as much. I can’t envision wanting to be around either one of them…not so much because I hold a gripe but rather I just don’t want to be around that level of drama. Generally I help someone in the early stages learn the jargon and what it is…learn how to articulate…the vocabulary the description, how to tell the difference…but after that I very much want someone to find their own way (hate Guru’s)…so I really admire and respect your ability to be willing to go the distance down the road…for me…I’ve had to completely obliterate them from my universe…;)

      • Wonderful words of wisdom. I see what you mean. I suppose I’m still relatively freshly wounded, in a way. I’ve gotten to the point that to think of him turns my stomache, but I also remember what it was like when I first got away. Its important for her to fight her own battles once free from him, but if it’s to set up a restraining order…that one is partially self-serving for me. He hasn’t had one on his record, other than from his divorce about 20 years ago (I printed his wife’s statements for court when I tried for a restraining order against him). I want one on his record so that if another woman comes along, sees how dangerous he is and looks in public court documents for verification that she really isn’t crazy, that there will be SOMETHING there. But then again, she’ll already know how dangerous he truly is by the time she leaves him. She won’t have to have proof. I want the secret monster to be exposed once and for all. Ok, I’m a bit bitter, still… 😀

      • I really can understand how in the early stages one might still be a little caught up in the caught up and focused on the o.w., or the new woman or whatever ‘princess’ is crowned these days and when we discover something like this of course I can relate to how one may want to shout from the rooftops. I can’t think of one target who hasn’t had that urge myself included. In my case, it was a little different not sure the game he played on her, and today I don’t much care, if she were to share with me the technique behind the lure I might bust out laughing and again that is because owning this now and understanding what it is…I see how lame they are for all that they believe they are cracked up to be. In a nutshell they believe their own brand of bullshit and somehow get others to go along…we know now HOW they do this and most normal people would not believe. The fact is, they are pathological six year olds in the body of a grown man…it almost feels incestuous and wiping a baby’s behind is not my idea of sexy. There is nothing sexy or grown up about playing MOMMA to a grown man. That is where society steered us wrong and we bought into the package that all men are little boys. NO, pathological men are little boys and if you look at the media lots and lots of pathologicals running it so that is how we ended up with distorted personality disordered messages…If I am going to look after a child I did not birth then I expect a tax deduction and possibly some kind of state aid. Otherwise, if you’re powerless, helpless, useless and a victim…you don’t need me as a partner you need to get your shit together! Took alot to learn this, got burned bad…and I suppose Princess gloats about being able to ‘snag’ this alleged prize but the truth is…did she really score?…NOPE! Did she win? Nothing to win – of course ego fools us…and I’m sure he fucked with her head big time, probably triangulated filled her mind with all she wanted to hear, made HER feel good, filled her voids…we all have them…AND after being advised what this was and being pointed to many directions where she could investigate further she married him anyway. SO…I justify the hands off approach only because judging myself…while lost in the stupor there were certain things somehow even lost in the abyss something told me: Don’t marry him…don’t do certain things he wanted to do. I refused to support him and when he’d come all doe eyed and helpless I always had the backbone to look him dead in the eye and say: Gee, that’s a problem…FIX IT…don’t misunderstand I did give alot and sacrificed a lot but when she approached, she felt the need to advise me that he told her he used me…(Shock!) <———–sarcasm….the real joke is…while she can blurt that out without so much as a second thought…she erroneously thinks she's special!…and so like all victims she too will learn…unfortunately she'll have to deal with a messy divorce – hopefully she won't get Aids but she'll either rise to the occasion of a trauma bonded Stepford Wife, or she'll snap out of it…its no longer my problem. When you get some solid healing under your belt Lifebegins…I'm confident you too will be just as nonchalant…I have every hope you will turn that corner mentally once and for all and this will not haunt you…my only suggestion…100 percent focus on you…it's kinda a dog eat dog thing…find your support systems, share with those who get it, take the time to heal and know that you cannot save the world, only yourself…Hugs!

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