A ‘Musing’ on Helping Others

Many that have fallen prey to a pathological (myself included) report there seemed to be an element of what they term ‘Codependency’…I don’t buy that label.  It is a convenient label created to make money.  Codependency originally came out of the rooms of AA – and it was a label applied to the spouses and family members of addicts – and it was a label to explain the alleged ‘flaws’ and ‘character defects’ of those who loved ‘addicts’ who were oftentimes great manipulators.  Such manipulation either a side effect of the addiction, or perhaps an individual who suffered a personality disorder.  Either way, I don’t think it quite right to ‘blame’ someone and accuse them of having or being something that stemmed from what they believed was love yet they were in many respects powerless because they were never led to ‘understanding’…

There is a lot of ‘tuff love’ being touted out there, and while I have witnessed with my own eyes and experienced how difficult it is for an addict to change their ways, some are able to kick the habit but unless they are really led to healing may for life continue with the behaviours (hence the ‘Once and addict always an addict philosophy).  Nonetheless, I can’t at this juncture find myself condemning an addict – (Many end up addicts self medicating trauma that was missed) I have surrendered to the notion that I might not have the skill or ability to help or reach one, but they do not deserve condemnation – they are people too – as are the personality disordered.  Equally, I have had the good fortune of interacting with addicts who have found recovery and walk that walk everyday and have made tremendous strides in their lives. Addiction is not an area of expertise for me…I can only speak from what I read in this particular area, and what I personally experienced having been in a relationship with one.  Nonetheless, this brings me to a status I saw on FB today and my mixed feelings about the statement….

“Its NICE to help people, BUT do not help a person that is not willing to help themselves…”

Looking back on the experience, and reflecting upon stories others have shared…many report this unexplained desire to ‘help’ the pathological – oftentimes he/she presented with a sob story…maybe not right off the top…first the disordered one reeled you in and got you hooked, then their steamer trunks of issues were released and we got caught up in the drama.  The narcs were desperately looking to feed and somehow we lost ourselves most likely due in a big part to their masterful skills at manipulation. Many of us criticize ourselves for falling into this trap but I think that is a mistake.  While I am a proponent for accountability, and I think the facts of what the disorder is rings true…I think many of us simply made an error in judgement operating in the light, we got caught up.  Nonetheless, I think it is crucial we guard against allowing this experience to leave us jaded.

I believe that when we examine matters spiritual (whatever you believe in) true giving is without condition.  On the human plane, it is natural and normal to have expectations.  Expectation can be considered a portion of self-respect – for self care it is normal to expect reciprocity and it is important not to give so much that we are left depleted; however, oftentimes when we play back the tapes, we find a ton of resentment is lurking inside of us for all that we gave.  The resentment is amplified when we realize that we were taken by a con.

What has helped me to overcome this ‘resentment’ is stepping outside of the box for a moment and considering the source of MY actions and the motivation for them.  At the time, I did whatever I did, I gave whatever I gave with pure intentions.  I did it out of a feeling of deep love.  While this individual was incapable of appreciating that, valuing that, respecting that, and a host of other things NORMAL people can do for someone who extends the hand of not only ‘LOVE’ but friendship…their inability to ‘connect’ to me on this level, or to anyone for that matter – still has NOTHING to do with me…I AM capable of love, I DID act in LOVE and that is what the ‘Universe’ or ‘THE CREATOR’ or whatever deity you believe in asks of all of us…that is part of the contract.  There are no disclaimers such as: “Only do it if the person is not personality disordered” THEREFORE, none of what we did negates or subtracts from our essence or our ACTION.

When I read that quote I was taken for a loop – because it is my feeling that if we are going to operate in love, then we love freely and we give freely. Some people (spirits, souls) will not be bound to us forever, that is just a condition of life…and while some may cause great pain, and it is wise and prudent to disengage or detach from those who cannot love, or who are wired to cause harm, we don’t have to necessarily cling to hate…we can detach and we can do this with love.  We don’t have to ‘forgive’…we can ‘release’…we can be ‘indifferent’ if that is the best we can get to…I believe the universe understands this, and as long as we release the negative and allow the universe to handle the rest…we won’t get a ‘spiritual’ demerit so to speak.  Clinging to the hate and anger destroys us…BUT we must feel it and purge it in order to break free…and we must not be hard on ourselves for feeling what we feel because the creator doesn’t create substandard products (that would be us) and put a lot of thought into our design.

This experience lends itself to the opportunity to gain wisdom and with that discernment; however, it is said, and I believe LOVE is the universal answer.  Not the romantic love we see in movies, not LUST, not PASSION, nor any of the other frivolous and shallow emotions we believe are love…but PURE, NON JUDGEMENTAL, free-floating LOVE.

If you’re new to this process I get you’re not gonna buy this…you have a ton more cuss words, and vile things to get off your chest; however, in time, you will eventually get where I’m coming from…

LOVE is not judging…when we speak of refusing to help those who can’t help themselves…I don’t encourage enabling…but with the gifts of wisdom, connection to spirit, and compassion we will find times where one may be so weak they can’t help themselves.  I believe that with discernment, there is no crime to lending a helping hand…let us remember the moment we were on the floor and how someone crossed our path and lent us a helping hand…we should use wisdom and ask for guidance from above in all we endeavor; however, as long as we embrace ultimately we have the power and are operating without selfish motives, if an individual is unable to reciprocate, once we condition our minds to giving freely, there will be no disappointment if only because we are giving without expectation.  Moreover the more we become educated, the more we will be able to spot those who can do harm and we can limit if not completely detach from that type of negativity or dysfunction…CHOICE!

In hindsight, I realize it was my expectation that led me to such disappointment.  In this particular case, I was dealing with a pathological…and it was in recognizing the motivation for my ‘giving’  that I was able to release and let go…the same way I would not hold cancer and someone’s death against them because they could no longer hold on…I know that “Man” has many labels for pathologicals and many will argue intent…at the end of the day, I’ve seen brain scans of the disordered…there is actual damage to the brain with these disordered ones.  It’s not my job to explain WHY they were put here on this earth and I’d label myself delusional if I tried to convince anyone I knew that answer…I trust instead the universe had a message for me…and I had to go through the bumps and the bruises to gain some insight and wisdom…no more – no less.  We came here alone…there is no law that says our spirit cleaves to anything other than SOURCE…and with that in mind, it was not my job to hold on to that which the Universe did not intend for me…but with what I thought was the universe’s taking away from me, I learned it actually GAVE…it FORCED me to dig and begin to embark on a journey towards SELF…someone that in 40 years I realized I had NO CLUE about at all!

Hugs,

Betty

See Also: A Psychopath’s Brain

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4 thoughts on “A ‘Musing’ on Helping Others

  1. Love this Betty. So very well said. It can be so easy for victims of the spaths to buy into it being a ‘defect’ of their own character that ‘allowed’ them to be victimized. And while it is true that many with childhood backgrounds of abuse were conditioned not to be able to recognize the red flags and and make excuses for the abusers they were groomed into loving, it does not make them sick or defective. It just makes them wounded and more likely to be a target. Having said that, many , if not even most people can fall prey to the cunning and calculated nefarious actions of the psychopaths and narcissists of the world. Thank you for your well written and insightful post.

    • Thank you for your kind words Pathofparadox…I’m just so sorry we gained our ‘wisdom’ the hard way…hopefully in time there will be sufficient awareness so that others might avoid what we’ve had to learn via experience…

  2. Hello Betty. I am new to this site and I really think its great. Your writing style and temperament remind me of the great Anna Valerious.

    This post represents the “core” of the pain that we, or at least I, feel. All that we did for them and all that we gave, out of love for one’s spouse, and it was not valued. And then on top of the not valuing what we did for them they heap big helpings of abuse. I know everyone that comes to this site says the same thing ” Why is this happening to me? What did I do to deserve this?”

    I remember the first time I felt like I do right now. It was over 13 years ago so I have been hanging in there for a very long time. Oh, the stories I could tell.

    Thank you for your incite and encouragement.

    • Dear Fellow Survivor,
      I am so very sorry we are meeting under these circumstances, I am even more sorry you are going through this now. I totally understand it is a process, so many don’t understand that. All I have today is the ‘education’ earned…I once thought I had the answers that somehow I would know the right things to say…that I could ‘save’ people…in hindsight that was my own ego (a very necessary thing for fighting back) grabbing at straws. Today at the first sign of narc stink I back off, but that is because today I understand it. I never knew such a thing existed. That is not to say I am “Healed” but rather ‘enlightened’ but not the way most people think of enlightened. I guess the difference is I learned to listen to my gut, something that was faulty in me which led to very poor decisions. Why am I sharing this?…You mentioned Ms. Valarious…the GREAT Anna Valerious…who if I remember clearly was one of the first if not the FIRST blog I happened upon when things first started clicking and I feverishly began obsessively google searching random terms for behavior of which I had no words to describe…straight out of a CRAZY box. I thank you so much for your kind words. This experience ripped my soul out of me. It left me rip roaring mad, a madness I don’t ever wish to revisit again in life but I also learned some of it had to do with me…a ‘familiar’ theme. Then the flying monkeys really started going batsh!t crazy. Further down this journey I continue to travel, I have also learned there is no one way to do this thing we call recovering, there is no one size fits all, there is no right or wrong answer – it is a personal experience. The information is there but how we go about healing is a whole other thing and there is no ONE thing someone can do, or ONE WAY someone can go about it other than go through it. With that Fellow Survivor, please know my thoughts and prayers are with you as you continue along your path. Everyday I struggle to remind myself as much as I think I know, I probably only know 1/10th and I’m being generous. Be blessed and may warrior angels stand guard around you, hold you up and protect you. I won’t be so forward as to suggest what you should do, for I believe each and every one of us deep down inside knows the answers…we just need to be heard…
      Hugs,
      Betty

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