The Rejection Letter

Having been a victim Narcissistic Personality Disorder Abuse, a very covert, stealth but extremely psychologically damaging form of domestic violence, I was amazed at how difficult it was to obtain competent mental health services to address the ‘trauma’ which at the time, due to a lack of awareness I could not articulate.  Much to my chagrin, it distresses me to report that my circumstances are not unique.

On any given day, a simple google search will lead someone seeking clarity to a support forum…but not ALL are created equal…let the victim beware.  It’s no secret that victims, through sheer desperation troll many a forum and/or website in search of answers, validation and support simply to achieve some semblance of grounding when just coming out of an abusive situation (especially if you’ve been involved with a narcissist).  Your entire sense of self is shattered.  A victim doubts their sanity, there is a pervasive sense of isolation and loneliness, shame, utter devastation and depletion.  If the abuser was a ‘good’ narcissist, more than likely the victim has the added bonus of having to deal with symptoms of PTSD.  If there is a history of child abuse, possibly C-PTSD.  Due to the fact that I am not a mental health professional, you are welcome to take my words with a grain of salt as you so choose and instead follow the sage advice of  the ‘experts’ who have a piece of paper under their belts which documents they’ve been formally educated and read a few good textbooks with general knowledge on mental health disorders; as well as, completed  a few rounds in clinical practice where the “gods” of the mental health industry get to affix labels to the general population -except for perhaps Narcissists and Psychopaths because anyone who has been in an abusive situation with a Narc and/or a Psychopath or most on the Axis II Cluster B Spectrum of the DSM knows, the ‘experts’ throw their hands up when it comes to this ‘special’ bunch of disordered individuals.  They get a ‘very special’ label…INCURABLE.  Eventually, these ‘experts’ progress to private practice where  they get their honorary pen and clip board and also get to decide which pill will make it all go away.  Yes, this article is biased because I have tried therapy a few times in my life with no success.  I also have done my research and know that at one time in our “Mental Health” profession’s history, they were all seen as quacks!  OUCH! Yes, sometimes the truth hurts but it is what it is…are there good therapists out there?  YES

It is not my intention to  shame the entire industry,  just those who on a daily basis perhaps due to their own undisclosed personality disorder wreak havoc on unsuspecting victims who are in need of competent help.  I hold the universities and training institutions in contempt for this massive and dismal failure, and my government for allowing the insurance companies and big pharma to run the game making cost effectiveness and the production of little purple pills the priority rather than striving to create programs of quality that would at least produce a population of mental health professionals that ‘get it.’ ESPECIALLY WHEN DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IS SUCH A LOOMING THREAT TO OUR SOCIETY.  Whether one chooses to pay attention or not, Domestic Violence has a domino effect.  It affects every fiber of society.

I presume that it would require an entire encyclopedic essay to document and outline the reasons why I feel the way I do…but having gone through this journey for a year now, having had experience as a victim, interacting on a forum that has traffic of close to 4 million visits a month, having then been given the experience of moderating on such a forum, having done research, reading, sharing, and learning from others who are also desperately searching for answers and sharing resources from all over the globe, and now having started my own little group, not only on Facebook but having launched a social support network of my own, I think I’ve put in enough “man hours” to qualify for a Ph.D in terms of understanding the dynamics involved when it comes to Narcissistic Personality Disorder and/or Psychopaths.  I am not unique, nor am I ‘special’  any other victim who has run against this wall most certainly can ‘boast’ of the same earned credentials, even if they are not ‘recognized’ in professional mental health circles.  I am of the opinion, recovered victims could actually train our current mental health professionals, we’ve specialized in this area, it was required in order to heal.  What choice did we have?  The therapists certainly did not get it in most cases.

In an effort to bring better resources to members of my Narc Raiders group on both FB and Ning, I have reached out to many who are considered ‘leaders’ in recovery.  Some established, some up and coming.  I make it a practice to try to keep my finger on the pulse as in this endeavor, knowledge is not only power, it is a tool for healing.  My background in Communications as well as my natural curiosity leaves me in a position where I am constantly on a quest for ‘information’ it’s just who I am.

Recently, I was introduced to an individual who is also involved in efforts to raise awareness of abuse.  While each of our stories are unique, what bonds us is the experience of trauma, pain and victimization.  Personally, I am not a proponent for the “Lifetime Victim” label, but I am savvy enough to understand that healing comes in stages and it is a basic part of human connection to be able to validate someone in pain. In a situation such as domestic violence it is important to allow someone to BE the victim without judgement.  Allow someone to purge and get it out, no matter how ‘irrational’ or ‘insane’ or ‘angry’ or ‘enraged’ or ‘incomprehensible’ it might seem to the average “Joe” who if he hasn’t lived it will never quite be able to comprehend the trauma the LIVING HELL that ensues when one is a victim of Domestic Violence, especially when the method of attack is psychological.

Having walked this walk…and finding my own healing by utilizing an online support forum… I learned that my feelings were a normal response to an ABnormal situation.  I found myself again.  Since I am not a published author, nor have alphabet soup following my name, I can only offer that the most important part of recovery has to do with educating oneself and getting it out in any way, shape form or fashion one needs to, in a safe environment, FREE of Judgment….PERIOD.

After being trapped and trained to walk on eggshells, having been gas lighted, subjected to intermittent reinforcement and possibly trauma bonded, the last thing ANY victim needs is suppression…victims need to feel what they feel and get it out! Being able to express myself freely without judgement is what allowed me to heal…it is what ‘cured’ me when the therapists did not ‘get it’ and I healed without that purple pill – although I encourage everyone to do whatever they need to do to heal including taking that purple pill if it helps.

Earlier today, I received a letter from an individual I invited on board…an individual who has had her own walk in abuse and recovery and who is currently in the process of publishing a book.  This individual also gives lectures and is allegedly a child advocate…I will maintain the confidentiality of this individual’s identity as I respect everyone’s right to heal and/or move forward in whatever fashion is comfortable for them; however, I was once again triggered, as it was clear to me that despite this individuals good faith efforts, I am not sure how instrumental they would be if in fact, they are attempting to offer healing to others…the journey can be ugly sometimes and one has to roll with the punches…here’s the letter:

Dear Betty,

I am writing to you to apologize, but I had to leave your NARC Raider Group on FB. It has nothing to do with you, but I cannot be a part of a group where some of the members slander and demean the people who have hurt them.

I know that vengeance is sweet, but when I wrote my book, I never used melodrama of slander to speak about the people who hurt me. Using these tactics don’t just belittle them it belittles us, AND I CANNOT BE A PART OF THAT.

When I talk to people who are abused my program is with respect, love and understanding for the victim and the abuser. It took me a long time to be able to feel that way, but within professional therapy and spiritual guidance I am able to do so.

Being a public speaker, activist and advocate for children, I have to aspire to certain guidelines as to who and what I associate.

Please understand this and my reasons for leaving the group!

While I respect this individual’s path, and appreciate the courtesy of a letter, this is an example of what I mean when I say be careful whom you follow.  YES…there is a time when we have to put those demons to rest…clinging to hate destroys us. Call me psychologically damaged but personally, I don’t think I’ll ever ‘love’ my abuser EVER again.  Will I hate him? No…he’s not worth my constant rumination and thoughts…I don’t get paid to do that; however, what was so offensive to me:

Being a public speaker, activist and advocate for children, I have to aspire to certain guidelines as to who and what I associate.

I can’t even comment on this…I am not even going to question motive…I just thought this spoke volumes on so many levels…why not try:

“Being a victim of abuse, a public speaker, activist, and advocate for children, I empathize with the plight of victims and I aspire to continue to do my best to help others the best way I know how?”

I have to end this here…as I always say…Be careful whom you follow, educate yourself, share, purge, HEAL and make the goal to be your own guru.


Betty (who will be hanging with the ‘undesirables’…always)



4 thoughts on “The Rejection Letter

  1. Hey Betty, I so hear you! No, you don’t have the credentials except you’ve done everything else and more but don’t have that damn piece of certification paper! You’ve ‘JUST’ lived it!!
    And it’s soooo interesting when people tame it right down when they want to be seen as credible/legitimate. Even posts to some formal websites on such topics are censored. If you’ve been abused by a/some MN you’re gonna be damn angry as well as hurt, and to read about THIS is contradictorily life affirming to ‘survivors’. It should be in their books, if it’s to be real! Sigh…
    You’re also correct in stating childhood survivors of MNs can demonstrate complex ptsd symptoms if they experience another MN. Do you know just how LITTLE info there is out there, for this situation. Next to nothing. Unbelievable!
    I feel I need your energy and passion to do something about addressing this great area of need. I honestly don’t think there’s strong motivation from the therapy world to look at this. Hmmm…..
    But I don’t have the answer/chapter about how to ‘completely’ heal!! It’s more exploratory… But, like you, I like/want ‘answers’ or at least a direction that feels like it’s on the right path. I am by nature a curious, tenacious seeker and well, quirky (comes with the territory!) at times…
    Anyway, people need people like you. So thank you for your searing insight into this area.

    • I thank you so much for your kind words Merry…I try to keep things manageable because it’s just me and the health challenges I have sometimes require I am careful not to overdo things; however, if you wish to brainstorm, I’d be happy to bounce things back and forth with you. Again, my personal thing is I’d like to explore the “What makes my toes twinkle” theme I believe it’s time – but I am committed to helping anyone and would never attempt to discourage someone passionate about attempting to get something off the ground. I have a lil hub that allows for more privacy, please feel free to inbox me there anytime you wish to talk. The link is below. I don’t check there daily only because I haven’t gone hard and heavy on ‘broadcasting’ it’s a place I rather keep intimate, but you are more than welcome to contact me there. Wishing you a very Happy New Year and best wishes on your continued journey…xoxo

  2. Dear Betty, You have been with me as I have healed from this abuse. You have been supportive and kind. You probably don’t even know how many times your kindness has pulled me out of a dark hole and held my head above water just so I could breath instead of drown in that despair. God bless you. Tina

    • Tina I thank you so much for your kind words but more than that, touched deep down in my heart to know that in some way I was able to help. God bless you always and continue to heal, grow and find that inner gypsy…set her free and kick ass! ❤ Love to you always and truly send warm vibes of peace, love, blessings, happiness and contentment…

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