Drowning in the Sewers With a Narcissist and How I Made it Back

If you are new to discovering that you are a victim of Narcissistic Personality Disorder Abuse, more than likely your self-esteem has taken a blow.  It took about a year to get over the ‘trauma’ and I initially spent about a month in the fetal position unable to eat, or sleep and sustained myself on coffee.  It took a while for the trauma to hit me and by the time it did, the Narc was already long gone.  I didn’t just have bags under my eyes, I had handles too.  There was this haunted shell-shocked look in them that seemed as if I had barely escaped being held captive by some type of abusive brainwashing cult. In some respects, the experience was similar. If he had his way, and I did not have an angel over my shoulders and a fighting spirit, he just might have succeeded in obtaining complete and utter control, and I would have no clue until I was totally destroyed, or left clinically insane.  Strike that, as if that happened, I never would have had a clue…he would have totally and completely not only depleted me but  successfully brainwashed me which is HOW and WHY so many victims of Domestic Violence stay…they are first brainwashed then stealthily and systematically Trauma Bonded.

If he were as “successful” an abuser as his father, (In my estimation a pathologically disordered misogynist definitely on the spectrum), while he might not demand I give up all freedom like it appears his mother has done without so much as the liberty to speak on the phone without his father’s expressed permission, I reason I’d be just as trauma bonded and soul raped as she appears to be…an emotional slave, the recipient of all his rage and disdain, jumping at his every whim, afraid to think for herself as that just might set his ‘fragile’ ego off.  I’d be unable to break away simply because he broke me down, having me fear I’d be nothing without him and have nowhere to go (admission from “Mommie”).   Generally I’d feel sympathy; I do know about Stockholm Syndrome and Trauma Bonding; however it seems in some respects her victim hood is also a crutch, as certainly anyone with any semblance of a heart or a functioning conscience might be a victim too weak to fight their own hell, but I would have to say I’d place my wager that most honorable women would not be a ‘cover girl’ for it, enable it, and even provide the tools for their offspring to also engage in such deplorable behavior… up to and including suggesting I don’t go looking for anything because:  “When you go looking you will find it.” (another golden nugget from “Mother”.  Granted, I don’t expect any mother to turn against their child, I get that part; however AS A WOMAN…there was a reason to suspect homosexual affairs…and whether it even makes sense to say there was a panic about AIDS as one can engage in a heterosexual relationship and be put in the same risk…c’mon…you just don’t cover the sky with shit and call it chocolate.  It’s just fucked up.  There was no empathy there, no consideration nothing…so how could I bring myself to have empathy, and compassion for a woman who would more than likely invite the next bitch over for dinner while I would have been on my deathbed dying of AIDS if the good Lord didn’t spare me?  (To these disordered individuals we’re all bitches) I just don’t feel the warm fuzzies for this ‘Matriarch’…SORRY.  There is a lot to that disordered trinity, I just thank God I’m out of the madness…

I was commissioned to report for ‘covert’ active combat for a little over four years ago, targeted against my will and the only GI Bill I received was from my doctor along with a diagnosis of Irritable Bowel Syndrome when all was said and done.  I did not know this level of insanity was possible,  that this kind of evil could exist on the earthly plane until the tail end of the relationship when a Pandora’s box of his sickness exploded.  Prior to that,  I had no idea I was with someone who would systematically target individuals simply so he could feed off of them and have them pay for the sins of his father, and the inaction of his mother, a woman who in the end has demonstrated she didn’t even have the balls to protect her own flesh and blood.  I have to call a spade a spade here…it’s one thing to be in the dark and  not know, and we’ve all been THERE…BUT when you do know and you choose to stay and subject your kids to that…that is where I lose a little of my empathy because you are not protecting your children and by default, you are creating more of these abusive monsters…we do repeat patterns and emulate what we see as children…it is up to us to set the example – and as women, that responsibility falls on us, it’s the way society is and until things change, we can argue how unfair it is, but it is what it is and we need to toe the line.

This was a psychological war on so many levels.  A silent one were the enemy slowly chipped away at your brain matter, engaged in acts of passive aggression, slowly brainwashed me and had me convinced that my view of things was skewed.  He repeated mantra’s of positive thinking stolen from his buddies in the “Club,” he was skilled in  NLP, distortion of truths and lies of omission, actively avoiding issues and convincing you that despite all his slaking off, fakery, and fraud…I was the one with the problem.  Yes, there were I believe many instances of cheating…there is no way in hell a monster like that just awakens…I found plenty of evidence of obsessive compulsive trolling for ass on both the female and in one instance that I caught the male side of the fence.  It was a shock, and even somehow eventually becoming aware of the latter, truth GLARING in my face, somehow I still remained in denial…this could not be the man I was in love with…he had a totally different lifestyle going on behind my back.  Evidence of afternoon “Happy Ending” massages, stalking other women in a predatory fashion.  He never laid a hand on me…but as things unraveled and the stress of this insanity began to wear me down, it broke me.  I remember crying and he just stared at me, the way a cat studies a mouse when he’s playing with it…not quite ready to kill it but just taking delight in it’s terror and this hauntingly glazed over stare as if he were rather orgasmic at the sight of my pain.  Something in his eyes changed, this was a dead man inside, I could not articulate or describe his eyes at the time but I’ve learned it is a key trait of these types and it is known as the reptilian gaze.  They were no longer eyes of seduction, but eyes of a demon.  This was not the man I thought I knew.

Not once did he provide any forum for closure, nor did he see ANYTHING wrong with any of his behavior.  In fact, I recall being so cluster fucked and willing to assume blame I had been reduced to begging for it.   I recall him laughing at me as if I were some stupid fool…his ego now fully in charge having fed off of me he was now strong once again and ready to conquer not necessarily more ‘challenging’ prey but a different ‘flavor’ he said he craved the ‘chase’.  This arrogant diabolical piece of shit, did not even apologize if even to humor me…he can’t even be a “Good Narc” as a narc who was good at working his “Image” in all his ‘Art of Hustlin’ (A trait both Mom and Dad openly admitted to being proud of) RED FLAG!…would at least pretend to have a conscience…it works well for future exploitation…What the FUCK was I thinking?  I couldn’t even score a competent NARC!  In studying the disorders on the spectrum, I remembered chillingly his mother’s words when she said as a child he would just sit there and ‘observe people’…’study them’ I had no idea this was code for the pathology…not sure if she did either but certainly based on his background and the abuse he suffered as a child – it certainly appears in hindsight he was a little sociopath in the making.

What was so damaging in all of this, is how skilled he was in the art of projection.  He made his insanity mine.  I know that sounds very hard to believe…I did not believe it myself.  I am not some poor little waif who was so desperate for a man I’d accept anything.  In fact, I am college educated and before ending up disabled, held professional positions.  This was not even a case of a media hyped stereotypical  “Poor Disabled Woman” who was exploited and would do anything to have some love and attention.  To the contrary, I did feel complete and was not looking for a relationship.  The fact of the matter is:  Anyone can be targeted, it’s what a Narcissist and anyone on the Axis II Cluster B spectrum does.

A narcissist does not have a particular ‘type’ of victim, anyone is ripe for the raping…it is just a matter of what he needs at the time.  He can date the most beautiful successful woman as well as the ugliest and least ambitious.  At the end of the day, he’s seeking TWO things:  SomeTHING to complete his image and make him feel whole, and someone who can fill his sexual urges which in many cases have been documented to border on the deviant.  In the sex category, for most narcissists, a hole is a hole which is why, when we discover some have been engaged in homosexual relationships, it’s not that they’re GAY so to speak, they are just exploiting yet another victim that has an orifice, has something they want and is meeting a need.  People are objects to them, A DRUG so to speak and they feed and live off of them.  This is not just a grifter scenario, this is a heart, mind, body and soul host/feeding situation, although in the ‘Sex’ department, not all are compulsively sexual.  See:  Narcissists, Sex and Fidelity the Somatic and Cerebral Narcissist

A relationship with a narcissist can be compared to a phenomenon found as Becky Ruff Reed, of  “Life in the Aftermath of a Narcissist” fame coins it…”In the Bowels of the Twilight Zone.”  Unless you have had a relationship with a Narcissist, I really don’t expect the average individual to understand or relate to any of this.  If you suspect you might be in a relationship with one, you had better open up your eyes as the clock is ticking if you are at the stage of suspicion.  If you are suspecting, that means all is not well in your little “Love nest” which means, if he’s been acting up, he’s already discarded you but doesn’t feel you need to know it yet.  What is important to note however, is that while you might be used to ‘shit heads’ that are jerks but not diabolically and pathologically disordered and while normal men check out too and find another ‘ride’ so to speak, a Narcissist can’t just walk away and leave you brokenhearted.  He has to destroy you from the inside out first because his acting up has to do with rage against YOU for what in his mind he ‘perceives’ as a failure.  YOUR failure to meet his idea of perfection. In my case I suspect I was the receptacle for all his rage towards his Mommie, as all women in his life will be,  Nothing more, nothing less.   When he marries, while the new spouse may view it as a conquest, finally ‘snagging’ this hunk of mass…what they’ve actually done is sealed their fate as secondary supply.  The wives then become the scapegoats for all the excuses he uses with others in order to feed off of them.  The slightest of offenses are of extreme hurt to the narcissist’s fragile ego.  Unable to identify and regulate their emotions like normal people, the narcissist views it as an attack and revenge must be executed.  They then begin to cycle once again in search of new ‘supply’ in order to ease the pain of the perceived assault.  This is a perfect scenario because it helps the narcissist create the role of ‘victim’ and sets the stage for a triangulation scenario.  All the while, the partner is left in the dark.  It is the beginning of the smear campaign, the building up of an arsenal so that once ready to strike with full force, the victim is left unable to survive the blow, this allows him a clean getaway while maintaining the image of Mr. Nice Guy while the victim is labeled as well as rendered ‘crazy’.  It’s a perfect strategy and it works for them.  They’ve had years to master it, each victim providing the means for improvement.

When he targeted you, idealized you, placed you upon a pedestal, worshipped you, adored you and now that in his mind, you are “human” and have “flaws,” this has pissed him off as your job as the ‘perfect object’ was to feed him constantly…feed his ego, feed his lust, cater to his every need while he in exchange threw you a few crumbs and slowly began to brainwash you that if his crumbs weren’t enough, then you were just ‘ungrateful’ when in fact, the reality is, you were the one carrying the relationship for the two of you.

Of course, he knew how to say:  “I love you” and “I can’t live without you” the latter probably the most literal truth they’ve ever uttered – one of the few instances where TRUTH was slapping you in the face in between passive aggressive verbal kicks to the gut.  What you were hearing and what he was really admitting could not have been further apart.  What it really meant was:  “I can’t live without you because I need to feed and fill this emptiness, obsession and compulsion inside of me because I am completely void of any emotion other than FEAR and RAGE and I need you to be my FRONT, feed me, fill me, and front for me – complete my image so at least I can appear normal and functional” WHICH is why a narcissist must always troll for supply.  They live in constant fear of rejection because they know what they lack, and that void within them eats away at them like a cancer from the inside out.  They are so very fearful and powerless over that emptiness.  They’ve never known love, cannot feel love, they are ALIEN (and yes, he called me an Alien too! Talk about projection).  They loathe themselves and envy others in the normal realm who can feel, who can love, and who are not powerless.

Needless to say, this is a stealth and insidious form of abuse it is by definition psychological rape.  As much as we might have hoped against hope that somehow we could find them help, the truth is when they begin to spiral, they are in full destruction mode.   Actually, they are always in self-destruction mode which is why they ensure they are always in good supply of drama and chaos.  Most who truly can love, even if the love is gone which happens sometimes, are able to draw the line and say:  “I won’t seek to destroy this person”  A narcissist for all intents and purposes because he is living through you, mirroring you, getting his identity and his life source from you…YOU ARE HIM.  When he senses a threat to his entire being, his existence, his life force, whether real or imagined…you MUST be destroyed, it’s his only way to survive!  His secrets and his shame cannot be revealed, you have to be destroyed as such destruction is the only way to ensure your silence, as even if you do speak – he’s already gotten the masses brainwashed your crazy so it doesn’t matter what you say, you can’t harm him.  In his mind, you become the enemy…his nemesis because of the threat you pose at exposing the truth to him and to others.  He hates you because you are what he can NEVER be.  What is important to own, is that this is not the ‘will’ of the narcissist.  This is a very serious personality disorder, that to this date the psychiatric industry has been unable to treat or medicate.  If your ego is telling you that you’re unique and you can somehow ‘help’ ‘heal’ or ‘cure’ him…you are very disillusioned and you had better find yourself a professional intervention.  Once you’ve been made aware, it is imperative you find a good support system because the writing is on the wall.  Check any victim’s forum on Narcissistic Personality Disorder abuse, they’re not hard to find.  There are in one forum I was a moderator for at least four million monthly who checked in searching for answers, support and validation.

This whole experience brought me to my knees.  I was left an empty shell…he was able to penetrate and suck the life out of me, and left me in a horrendous state of acute trauma and depression.  In true narcissistic fashion however, before he left me on the road for dead, he made sure to line up his accomplices…a.k.a. abusers by proxy who would blow smoke up his ass listening to his sad tales of woe…he’d tell me his friends thought he was nuts for being with me. They even were flattered by him allowing them to play therapist suggesting I was “Bi-Polar”.  I’m not sure if their opinion should matter for reasons I’ll keep to myself – and I was amazed at the number of friends he allegedly had, as initially he claimed to have none (which he didn’t) but as he was able to feed off of me, he was encouraged to grow and I did everything in my power to help ‘heal’ his self-esteem *hardy ha ha* and by default, he had the freedom and opportunity to add others to his ‘collection’ of people to use, abuse and exploit.  Facebook actually was a life changer for him.  In his planning stages for the devalue and discard, in the process of reinventing his life, he picked up abusers by proxy he called ‘friends’ this would of course help cement the image he was normal to the next victim.  In hindsight and just a note to those currently in victim mode…the lack of friends is a red flag.  Narcs tend to cycle up and down.  They will alienate people, and end up in isolation due to their antics then have to start the cycle up all over again.  They will change friends, spouses, girlfriends, jobs, image, everything.  They are chameleons.  those who stick by him are generally those who don’t have frequent and close contact, and therefore don’t really know the narc that well; however, the narc, being skilled in the art of blowing smoke up one’s ass to get what they want usually surround themselves with naive people.  Those who stay are a constant source of intermittent supply during the dry spells, Narcs know enough to keep some tools around, even an ex or two or three might be in the wings as well taking pity on his “poor injured soul.”   The tools will view this gesture as “mercy” the Narc will be in the corner laughing calling it stupidity, ignorance and suckery.  Picture a Narc you’ve invested time with…imagine their having a very real fear of flying…imagine witnessing full blown panic attacks complete with hyperventilating and rapid heartbeats and cold sweats…then imagine breaking up and learning he’s dating a stewardess and taking flying lessons!  This is about as accurate of a picture I can paint in terms of how rapid and radically they can change on a whim.  They can do this within 24 hours and not bat one eyelash!

If you research, you will learn that Trauma, specifically PTSD mimics Bi-Polar disorder…the shame was he was not being honest with the friends in his ‘club’, he did not admit he was pathological in his lying and his stalking of other women, in his sexual escapades which put not only himself but me at a high risk of AIDS…no, in my terror, in my rage, in my pain…all of my emotions a NORMAL reaction to this psychologically ABnormal situation…all his ‘buddies’ with not one brain collectively between them for all their ‘wisdom’ caught on to the fact that maybe…just maybe there was a reason for all of this?  Even more tragic, some of these folks call themselves “leaders” leading a very vulnerable population whose self-destruction is evidence of real pain and could one day lead them down the “Valley” of death, jails or institutions.  If this is how they operate…God help anyone new that enters their doors…they’d been had too…but I wasn’t about to make it my business to school them…to this day I presume they’re still being conned, or playing a round of let me top you.  They don’t call it 13 stepping for nothing!  Predictable and textbook – all of it.

Of course this caused me to spiral into a deep dark depression.  Shit it was earned!  In the midst of depression however, we sometimes let ourselves go…if you’re stuck, FIGHT!

I couldn’t leave the house the anxiety was so great.  I could not drive, I could not speak…I could not function…imagine this picture of devastation that went full speed from zero to sixty in a matter of weeks, then picture him fucking some blonde within I’d have to say ten days and moving her in within a month’s time give or take?  This after four years with me…I don’t blame her, she has no idea of the sickness that is about to devour her whole… I don’t hate her either, I never did.  I do pray for her, I don’t know if she has what it takes to survive, although I hope she’s not in denial…it will be her death, as I learned she is recently within the past two years, overcoming her own challenges – challenges that leave her at high risk for destruction if she’s not strong.

In the early stages of this overwhelmingly traumatized and stressed out state of mind, I had to force myself outdoors.  I intentionally did not buy cans of coffee simply so that I’d have to leave the house daily to buy a cup…that is what in a way kept me connected.  Getting some fresh air even when I had to wear glasses to hide the tears, as I did not even have to have any thought in particular for them to burst forth…I could just sit there and they would pour out in buckets and it wasn’t just about him and how much I “Looooved him” it was about the WOUND and the ABUSE I tolerated…I could be staring at the wall almost catatonic in shock and they’d come streaming down…which was why I had to don the sunglasses, very dark ones and I’d blame the tears on cold weather or allergies if anyone asked.  How could I possibly admit to anyone I’d been such a fool, I’d been had by a gutter rat and actually thought he was a prize?  How could I have been so stupid…when everyone else around me in hindsight was now approaching me telling me what a piece of shit they thought he was…how they saw right through him…then more stories of more shit they witnessed him doing, how he would talk to anything that moved…I wondered and tortured myself…what did that say about my value?…

Nonetheless, it was the small steps that ultimately saved me from going completely mad, and I had to repeat to myself on a regular basis…”Be still, it will pass, you won’t die you only feel like you will.”  I really did consider committing myself.  I feared the darkness of the rabbit hole and the rage of having been had being branded this piece of shit’s “SUCKA”  The truth, back then…NO…he wasn’t safe, I think I could have killed him and this is a very difficult admission, it is in part why I was so scared of having gone insane…I really could have killed him and I am not saying this as a figure of speech, but really sharing the depths of the damage…the rage…the anger and the insanity, and this is WHY the APA needs to get their shit together and understand this, and WHY our therapists need to get their heads out of their asses and go a little bit beyond mediocre and learn how to treat victims of this form of abuse, as had I acted out and committed a crime, they would not have found me “INSANE” but in fact, I WAS!  I was clinically insane, in trauma and not in my right mind…and because the incompetence and invalidation of the therapists who did not understand only triggered me further, my only option was to lock my ass up on  my own in my room, warn my child and let it play out until I was no longer a threat to others…I certainly was not about to kill myself, but I did have one Mother Fucker in mind…

These bastards make.you.crazy…they make you snap…they can take a non violent, peace-loving individual and turn them into monsters…they leave you wondering who is the evil one…and that is because under this attack, you have absorbed their depravity…all of it, and it takes time to disconnect from that evil…it almost felt like a demonic possession…

I remember once happening upon a neighbor, tears streaming down my face behind a pair of Black Jackie O Shades and she was sitting down looking rather down in the dumps herself.  I had no idea of the tragedy she was facing…she shared for a year she had been complaining of a urinary tract infection, they kept giving her pills but delayed testing, even at one time blamed her age, or some emotional component…during this year, with all their ignoring turned out she had stage 4 ovarian cancer.  I didn’t dare cry in front of her I held those tears back with everything I had, I stepped outside of what I now perceived at least momentarily as “bullshit”  I sat and listened to her and held her hand and let her talk…it was freezing outside but I sat with her and kept thinking to myself:  “You think you have problems hey?”  I won’t say it took away my pain, but it was one of a few experiences that helped me ‘check’ myself.  I still had hope, I felt like dying but I wasn’t facing death…I reasoned if she had a choice, she’d take on a narc rather than to flirt with the danger of losing her life, and this helped me begin to try to re-brainwash myself.  I got into a lot of ‘positive’ thinking “cup is half full” feel good thoughts as a drug to try to keep the pain at bay.  I do think in some respects, this agenda to ‘keep it positive’ in a way can be harmful as sometimes people need to feel what they need to feel, we can’t candy coat shit, sometimes it is SHIT and we have to be able to admit that and give someone their time to wallow…I think that is an act of compassion…to acknowledge some one’s feelings, not try to cover them up, because it makes you ‘uncomfortable’…equally however, we have to discipline ourselves and at a certain point, kick ourselves in our own ass and say: Okay…Time’s Up, Off Da Floor!  But I do believe there is actually some benefit to taking the time you need to grieve and deal with the emotions and the fact that you’ve been abused…in fact, you’ve been raped – you just don’t have the evidence of semen but there are a number of advocates that are working hard to change things for us.  In the interim…encouragement if you’re lying on the floor right now:  click [HERE]

One of the things I did was to find outlets that would allow me to creatively express all that I was feeling, I began to make videos on You Tube.  Music is very therapeutic, in fact some studies have found that music can actually help with pain.  I’m not sure if I found any significant healing properties to physical pain, but I know that it moves me and affects my mood – which is why I don’t suggest you listen to love songs…instead, I let my imagination and dreams for revenge run wild…

I began to create videos that might be used to create awareness in underground circles such as the ones featured in this blog.  I also developed a fascination with Faceinhole.com, a web based program where you can superimpose your face in a pre-photographed scenario.  This worked for me as at the time, as a result of  the abuse I was ‘stress eating’ and blew up.  Of course, Narcs are also notorious for encouraging things they can later claim to hate…if you’re thin they will say they like someone with a ‘little meat on their bones’ I remember when I was about to go on a diet, he said:  Don’t get too skinny…if you have long hair, they’ll claim they find short hair sassy… Thankfully after a few months of his being gone, I shed the weight.  I also used faceinhole pictures to express the pain I was feeling, the anger, my defeat – but I also had some fun and began to dream…

I realized…

And that I had a choice:

But this empowerment did not come overnight.  I had the love and support of other victims GLOBALLY to help me heal.  There were veterans who had time under their belts who helped clarify things when the cognitive dissonance became too great…when in a moment of denial, I’d try to justify things, assume blame, or outright refuse to believe that somehow there was a way to reach this Narc…that in fact, it was still somehow my job to help bring this poor “psychologically disordered” individual into the light, perhaps lead him to help…boy was I brainwashed on his ‘victimhood’…MIND YOU he certainly wasn’t thinking of my ‘victimhood’ at all…in fact, he had NO insight into the damage and harm he did…I had the pleasure of learning recently, he rather boasted about his using me…

I slowly started to come out of it…I somehow to began to own my power…


They say:  “Fake it until you make it.”  I am not proposing you fake your feelings or suppress them – but I wholeheartedly encourage EVERY WOMAN OUT THERE…I don’t care if you’re 85…(if you’ve been used, abused, and depleted)….FIGHT…if even to say:  FUCK YOU NARC!

Every woman yearns to feel sexy, attractive, desirable…this is not to be confused with being a ‘sex object’ but every woman must feel good about herself. Society as a whole generally  measures beauty by the exterior.  While there very well may be a ton of inside renovation that needs addressing, there is nothing wrong with sprucing yourself up and celebrating you in all your ‘imperfections’ while in the process.  “To think is to be” make the most of what you have, and own your VALUE!

Once I began to feel normal again, I decided that this experience should not be in vain…that there were so many victims out there and not enough awareness of this form of abuse despite ALL the online forums out there that strive to support and educate victims…most detrimental the lack of awareness even within many Domestic Violence programs.  There was a BRICK WALL that was not being penetrated and there were many in the dark who had no clue…who were owning blame, some strung out on antidepressants when there was no real chemical imbalance but instead TRAUMA.  Victims strung out on all kinds of pills, dying a very slow if not physical then at minimum emotional death and having no idea there was a valid reason and a solution to their problems (this is not negating that there are for some chemical depressions; however, in some cases, mental health is affected situationally and it is in understanding the situation that one can find relief). I realized through my experience and in interacting with thousands of others that there were women (and men) out there in bondage who had no idea they were being abused, devalued, and discarded…exploited and brainwashed…convinced that somehow they did something to  deserve this treatment…being told by their abuser that if they just tried a little harder to be…(fill in the blank) I became very angry – as the truth was, I know I did nothing to deserve this and put up with all kinds of unacceptable shit in all my delusion. That is when I decided to become “Betty LaLuna Narc Raider Educator”

 

That disordered son of a bitch tried to brainwash me I was Bi-Polar (another crazy making tactic is to actually try to get the victim to believe they are crazy) The reality is, if you are around abuse and insanity for too long, you WILL act out…you’re not crazy…actually you are acting in self defense…if you have a fighter in you, you might not necessarily cower…the downside, you just might go nuts…but it’s normal under the circumstances…which is why I say in jest:

If you are in the midst of an NPD Abuse relationship, time is not on your side…GET OUT.  Tell your ego sit down and shut up…if he’s been triangulating using a third party…a.k.a. another woman, or his mother, or some other poor soul to get you to a place where you feel you have to “Win” or “Prove yourself” recognize, this chump has no idea of your value or your worth, and if you’re looking for him to come around and recognize it, crown you “Special” it ain’t gonna happen period!  It doesn’t matter who you are, what you do, how well you do it, how beautiful you are, how much you blow his mind in bed…whatever to you is your claim to fame…he ain’t looking at you, he never did, he never will…this is all HIS SHIT.  Let him have HIS SHIT…get out…you deserve so much more.

This journey was not easy…I can laugh about it now, I can even laugh at him now and I do take great pleasure in doing so, for as much as he tried to be “King’

This is what I really see:

And by the grace of God have been able to put it all behind me…

And it’s okay I was kicked out of his club…

Because his “Fan Club” (Party of 1) suffers from “Tunnel Vision”

AND if after all of this you’re….

 

I’ll leave you with this for now….

CHIN UP!  If your self esteem is in the toilet…CREATE…do something for you…put on some makeup, get on Faceinhole, take real pictures make yourself up pretty and fake it until you make it.  Celebrate YOU and feel no shame.  You did not deserve this and NEVER let a monkey stop your show…(takes time I know but if I can do it…you certainly can!)

Be Blessed…

~Betty

12-6-2011

4 thoughts on “Drowning in the Sewers With a Narcissist and How I Made it Back

  1. Thank you thank you thank you for validating that I am not alone. Mine made me totally crazy and I totally acted out in a way that is so out of character for me. I let my wounds turn me into someone I am not and can’t believe it. But worse I can’t believe that he had the guts to call ME crazy and unhealthy despite all of the sick things he did to provoke me to act as I did. And what bothers me the most is that he got to walk away unscathed. He misled me, lied to me, deceived me, manipulated me, took advantage of me, and sucked all of the joy and love out of me then walked away and moved on as if nothing ever happened. In fact, it seems like I helped him overcome so many of his issues and become a better person to everyone in his life except me. I feel so used and angry and cant seem to get my mind off of him – all of the injustices and lies, how I fell for it and permitted him to abuse me, and how I am suffering to recover and he has moved on like nothing happened. It’s so unfair. I’m trying to take your advice to focus on positive things but I feel so stuck and unable to be happy, find joy, and stop thinking about him. I welcome any advice or at least confirmation that I’m not a crazy person for feeling this way. Thank you.

    • Maria,
      You ARE not crazy and healing is a process. Be gentle loving and kind with yourself. In hindsight you will be happy you are far far away from the train wreck. I promise you. Everything you are feeling is normal given the circumstances and it takes a little longer to heal but you will overcome.

  2. Thank you for your post it helps I have to refresh my memory about what I’m dealing with every now and then. My Narc husband left me what a blessing but boy getting a divorce from a Narc isn’t easy either especially with kids, we’ve been separated 2 years. However, it has been much easier looking in at crazy town than residing there. Note, If and when at all possible completely cut off contact from the Narc, anything you give them good or bad only feeds them. It is difficult even now wrapping ones mind around who they really are or aren’t. They are like aliens devoid of innate humanity, kind of like invasion of the body snatchers for real. Seriously, trying to relate alone will drive you crazy. Nothing is off limits to them even your children. When they use your children it may surprise you but just go back online and read about their disorder. It’s what they do, they use without digression anything and everyone. Take care of yourself ; mind, body, and spirit. Find whom you are again even if it’s little steps find joy. Focus a little on seeing those in need around you. God has been my rock, my shield and strength when I have none left. It has helped knowing that no matter what lies he spreads or how he behaves God sees and knows the truth.. He sees me and knows me also. “I praise HIm because He is good and His love endures forever.” That verse came to me one morning when I was so sad about being alone realizing that he never loved me and never would. It is so hard, pray for your kids even if they succumb to his manipulations also. It is hard not to be hurt by everything but just pray for them though.

    • I found a lot of strength clinging to a higher power Blessed and I thank you so much for sharing your experience. I send well wishes to you that you continue to persevere…I found when I let go and let “God” I was released but it took a lot of time to learn how to do that. Everyone will have a different approach but indeed for me, the spiritual did so much. May you continued to be protected and carried….

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