I am a cat lover…last night I dreamt with a cat…I’m digging the meaning which can be found [HERE]. I am aware of all the doom and gloom surrounding dream symbolism and cats, but I made a choice to go with what applies to my spirit and what I feel. I have often suggested and said plenty of times, you have to trust your gut, listen to your intuition and build up some form of spiritual connection. Perhaps atheists can meditate, not sure what they do…look, hope and faith are a drug like anything else we cling to. None of it truly proven by science this I know…BUT…someTHING out there exists – whether it is external or within, there is SOMETHING…we have RADARS…or our ‘GUTS’ or our ‘INTUITION’ and no amount of denial will take this away. In shame we may attempt to deceive ourselves or others and claim to have never had a clue, but at some point – if we’re honest we will arrive AT MINIM concluding that yes, we heard a voice, or saw a sign, or remember them saying ‘something’ that did not sit right but we dismissed it. We are at our core by the very nature of our ancestors, spiritual beings. Most, if not all of us need something to connect to when humans and the human condition fail us.
It is not important WHAT we believe as long as it goes towards the light. Darkness only creates more darkness and that energy at some point will only end up projected back onto us; nonetheless, it’s your thing – you do what you want to do. I believe if we’re truly seeking elevation, man on this plane may explore and experience many faiths. I’d never attempt to proselytize or ‘convert’ someone to anything. I myself am not totally settled on where I’m at. I believe in God but out of respect oftentimes will use “Universe” or “Creator” so as not to offend. Ultimately I also trust that by now anyone I connect with understands my other motto is: “Take what applies, and leave the rest.”
The reason why I have always tried to convince members to connect to SOMETHING spiritual is because I know from my own personal experience, how there was undeniably someTHING that was guiding me even when in my conscious mind I could not connect the dots with all that was happening to me. It is what led me to the exact places I needed to go, at the right time, and to the people who would help me. Some are still in my circle today, others were only meant to be here for a season; nonetheless, everything that happened thus far in this journey has had a cumulative effect upon where I am today. I am happy to report I’m in a pretty GOOD place.
I have learned so much about myself. I understand and acknowledge I am passionate and have a hot head at the sight of injustice, ignorance, discrimination, disenfranchisement, or abuse, or someone trying to bullshit me. I believe these are practical and very honorable feelings to have in the face of oppression; nonetheless, that does not negate the fact that today, light also occupies the places that were wounded. I no longer cling to hatred, and I’m not so sure I ever did – I was quite angry – enraged might be an even better word but I can say the situation certainly does not color my world with the intensity it did. When triggered by something I have learned to identify my feelings and honor them. I could also care less about ‘IT’, what ‘IT’ is doing and to whom ‘IT’ is doing it to whether good, bad or sexual.
I need to rewind some of the history in order to demonstrate why one might wish to pay attention just a little more carefully to some of the things I share even if they are not in keeping with the ‘majority’ vote. I’m not a guru but not any less qualified than some of the ‘Big Guns’ out there making millions off your attention, time and money to steer you in their direction when in fact everything you need you already have – for FREE! Oprah or any other Self Help megastar has nothing anymore special than any one of us other than a good marketing and promotions team.
When I first started Narc Raiders and I had my private group on Facebook…I had some pretty nifty plans…then some unfortunate events took place and I had to rebuild. One of the FIRST things I said when I started that group was: CREATE…and I did not necessarily mean that members should go out there and attempt to be Van Goghs or Martha Stewarts, or whatever is your thing…but there was something about the ACTION of creating something that somehow intrinsically I knew was an important key to getting off the wheel. If you’ve been around here for a time, you also know I’m not for the New Age, Vibrational, Earth Axis Tilt, Mayan Spaceship, Imagine and Visualize, Quantum if you will just ‘believe’ it will manifest” kinda gal…I’m an earth sign…we have our feet planted FIRMLY on the soil by nature. That is not to say those things are wrong, if you read what I stated above – what you need is something that works for you. A majority of those things do not work for me, but I referenced this simply to outline HOW there was no way I could have subliminally held on to any particular suggestion from an outside earthly source. It came from within (or above?). Part of the reason why I am so skeptical of some of the other ‘beliefs’ is because in studying media, I have been trained with a skeptic’s eye. Back then, there were ethics one subscribed to, and there were certain moral compasses you followed. You also learned that the key to everything from a Public Relations/Marketing stance was manipulation and how people are essentially ‘sheeple’ if the oil is peddled strategically. We learned this as part of our major…not necessarily from the vantage point of mastering snake oil; however, we were subjected to the psychology of selling, how consumer’s minds work and of course Ed Bernays, so while I was ill-equipped to deal with someone on the Axis II Cluster B Spectrum, I generally can spot bullshit when I see it. When I became more skilled in the arena of NPD abuse and the Art of Con, I’d see and observe certain things and could detect the ‘Agendas’ behind some of the healing circles and rather than join in, I elected to disengage as I was about making true progress, I never wanted to be back there again – but I respect other’s journey and hence also elected not to engage in ‘outing’, badmouthing or discrediting others.
I had many conversations with others who were running groups, and I shared some of my thoughts and my gut told me they were saying: “Yea sure Betty” in the back of their heads…and while I wished that they would pay some mind to what I was saying, and believing that ultimately the universe is in control, it was not my place to arm wrestle anyone to go anywhere they did not feel suited them. To be fair, I too was still unsteady on my feet, but there was something inside of me that I really felt was the key. I dabbled in Theosophy, Buddhism, Christianity, and various other spiritual principles and I began to see the connection between most if not all of them. I dabbled in Philosophy, even wrote a lil blog about that and encouraged members to get into a program of digging really deep not so much for the earthly explanation for all of this but the bigger picture and the meaning behind the significance of an event this big and what it meant to the soul. This was not only mind shattering it was soul shattering. I shared Elizabeth Gilbert’s quote ad nauseum…it came to me at the cusp of when all of this was happening, someone talked to me about her book. I searched a little on the internet to learn more about it and landed upon the quote:
“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master…”
~Eat Pray Love
This ‘THING’ I have yet to define but I know exists, kept me safe and was speaking to me and guiding me towards the shore even before I had a clue that I was drowning. I remember early on in the relationship feeling a ‘darkness’ around this man. I remember early on for a brief period one time saying I felt depressed. I was but did not make the connection. Early on I felt the energy draining from me but I could not put my finger on it. I remember at one point saying to him which was very uncharacteristic of me: “I have to realize I am powerless over your drama.” Even before we were a couple, there were so many things at times that came out of my mouth which I could not explain having any prior knowledge of disorders to even realize I had him pegged – but I did. I simply was not listening to my own words. I remember towards the end when he’d explain something and more often it would consistently not make any sense. The words were in English but it was gibberish! I remember one time being so impatient with the Ubi Dubi I screamed: “Are you fucking trying to gaslight me!!???” AND I swear I had no point of reference for gas lighting at the time, just a reference to jokes about it but no real understanding of what it was, how it worked and there it was coming out of my mouth…there was that someTHING….
I remember the night I discovered his virtual affair, and how at the time while I wasn’t sure if it was the end, as his full-blown disorder was not out of the bag yet or at least blatantly visible. He had some things here and I told him he had to retrieve them; however, someTHING told me I needed to make a threat…I don’t know why this thought came to mind as he had never laid a hand on me, nor did he ever blatantly verbally abuse me…but someTHING told me and it was almost as if some other entity took over because I’d never do this in my ‘right mind’ (or in hindsight my WRONG mind): “You are to come here and get your things, and so help me God, if you even try to speak to me, if you say one word to me, if you blink wrong, I will take my face, slam it into the wall and tell the police you did it. You get your things and you leave.” He came here quiet as a mouse got his things and left. I believe had I not, there would have been denials, shifting of blame, turning of tables, gas lighting, and all kinds of mind games and it would not have ended as peacefully as it did…possibly with physical harm…but that did not come from ME…it came from that THING.
I have been carried, and I have been comforted even in the midst of sheer madness…
The “CAT‘…I don’t know if it means anyTHING but I also happened upon a book later that day, and an insight which I can’t share yet because I have to find the right way to explain it without it throwing some people off, at some point I hope the words come but if they don’t it may just be for personal validation rather than something that must be shared with the public…
LOVE, MEDICINE & MIRACLES by Bernie Siegel, MD – a book on healing from Cancer…just appeared…don’t even know where it came from. I know it got here somehow but where? I don’t know…
THE CHAPTER: Exceptional People
“Survivors, then, act not only from self-interest but also from the interest of others, even in the most stressful situations. They clean up messes and make things safer or more efficient. In short, they give of themselves, leaving the world better than they found it”…~Al Siebert, Psychologist p. 162 – How many of us post realization feel called to then serve others?
“Siebert, too has found that the survivor personality can be learned – although it can’t be “taught” the way algebra or chemistry can. He conceives of it as a broad process of psychological and neurological maturation, a growing up that paradoxically involves remaining a child, too. It means being child-like but not childish. Siebert lists the following indicators of self-motivated growth:
- Aimless playfulness for its own sake like that of a happy child (those who remember…my videos I called my ‘therapy’)
- The ability to become so deeply absorbed in an activity that you lose track of time, external events, and all your worries, often whistling, humming or talking to yourself absent mindedly (Facebook, Farmville, Learning how to make those music videos, Faceinhole, Polyvore, writing – etc.)
- A child’s innocent curiosity
- An observant, nonjudgemental style (take what applies leave the rest)
- Willingness to look foolish, make mistakes and laugh at yourself (my life is practically an open book)
- Open-minded acceptance of criticism about yourself (Improving)
- An active imagination, daydreams, mental play, and conversations with yourself (oh yea…)” p. 164
“There is a seeming contradiction here that traps many people. Most of us have been taught that self-love and love for others are incompatible, that we can’t satisfy our own needs and still give of ourselves. If we become survivors, we realize that our deepest need is to love and to be at peace and, motivation becomes spiritual or selfless, not selfish. Living with the knowledge that we’re going to die someday means that we may choose to give something to the world. In the process, we develop an inner sense of self-worth that helps us achieve goals that improve the quality of life. We find ourselves striving for the survivor’s paradoxical goal – to have things work out well for ourselves and others”… p. 169
“When the artist is alive in ANY person, whatever his kind of work may be, he becomes an inventive, searching, daring self -expressive creature. He becomes interesting to other people. He disturbs, upsets, enlightens and opens ways for a better understanding. Where those who are not artists are trying to close the book, he opens it ans shows there are still more pages possible” ~Robert Henri, THE ART SPIRIT (B. Siegel “Love Medicine and Miracles, p. 172)
“Writing apparently works too. Students who wrote about their traumas made fewer visits to physicians in the ensuing six months than did others who wrote about less important subjects. Keeping a diary gets us in touch with our thoughts. It’s really a type of meditation. (p. 187)
Within these passages, somehow, while never doubting the path I chose and how I elected to walk it – intrinsically I knew what I needed to do and how I needed to do it in order to heal. I knew when to put the breaks on the noise, I knew when to engage and when to pull back. I knew how to listen to my own needs and pace myself accordingly and I also knew what to take and what to leave in terms of advice. I maintain however, it really wasn’t me driving that vehicle…it was that someTHING.
This journey is a very custom designed one. One path does not fit all. We can get information, we can research, we can be educated but then there is that THING that is greater than all of our efforts and what we enjoy deluding ourselves with, the notion that we have some type of power and control. I conclude this is for many a calling…a reaching out from the universe saying: “Hey! You’re on the wrong path! OVER HERE!” and we can choose to hear that call, or just like we did with the pathological, we can ignore it, dismiss it and continue to follow the self-proclaimed experts who if they were really all knowing I’d surmise by now we’d all be enjoying global peace.
At some point one has to choose to let go. I’ve engaged in all kinds of semantic debates. For someone new, the concept of forgiveness is something that if you’ve been involved in the peer moderator thing a bit, you don’t even bother bringing that word up because it is so outside of the world of the freshly mauled, it’s pointless. Early on, the goal is to try to get a victim off the floor and at minimum to the bed where they can at least get a little bit of a rest before they begin the hard work of breaking the cognitive dissonance so that they can at least take a few baby steps and pick up some skills in articulation so they can at bare minimum explain the WTFs of the situation to someone who we hope and pray ‘gets it’. If you’re going to corner me and ask me my bottom line…yes…the word is forgiveness – of self at minimum. I still don’t feel a drive towards a “hard sell” on forgiving the offender, although I am at feet dug in the ground on: If you are ever going to heal you have to purge all this and finally come around to releasing it. You can’t beat this dead horse for the rest of your life, and for all intents and purposes it is a dead horse…it’s the PAST…it’s all of your past. This experience takes you down to the lowdown dirty depths of all anguish and pain you’ve ever known. This experience takes ALL of it and wraps it up in a big bloody, pain filled 2 ton ball of oozing pus and knocks the shit out of you then screams: “Get the fuck up!” as you lay there in a state of catatonia. It ain’t easy that’s for sure…18 months minimum, I’d say more if you had some real bad shit happen.
If you have the survivor personality, if you choose to resist the ‘chatter’ and quiet the mind, if you seek to learn how to regulate your emotions, if you attempt to tune into what you need to know about the disorder and not get caught up in the drama and the noise that are frequently typical online and begin to carve out a program for yourself which includes seeking not with the goal of being able to debate the semantics, or be connected to every ‘hot forum on NPD’ out there, but find one place you feel suits your needs and answers questions…if you can learn that yes, it’s important to vent, but equally important to listen, see and observe…slowly as you quiet down if you’re connecting to source, it will begin to take over and lead you to where you need to be and what you need to see, and what you need to learn and to the people and resources that will give you the answers. If you desire to be more in tune and in touch with your intuition, then ask for guidance. It is perfectly okay to say: “I don’t know who or what you are, please reveal yourself to me, lead me, my will is yours” that “THING” will show you the path and it will protect you, and slowly you will see how things begin to manifest – things that would seem impossible…you might find yourself worried because you’re short on money and a check will arrive, or someone may out of nowhere show up with a plate of dinner on a night when you just don’t feel you can go anymore…little things, but they are signs from the universe that there is hope…it is a process that slowly begins to restore your faith in humanity. We can choose how we wish to see these things. If we choose to have a negative mindset and we do not make any effort to retrain the mind, then no – not much will change and you can talk about this for the rest of your life and walk around wounded and feel sorry for yourself, and repeat the patterns that keep you locked in bondage…or you can choose to really make this a gut renovation project starting from the ground up…you can CREATE the life you want, but you have to be willing to want to survive. Be forewarned, it is all a series of steps and they don’t always progress in a consistently forward fashion. Sometimes for every three steps forward, you end up two steps behind; but, slowly without even noticing it, you begin to ascend and eventually you do make it to the top.
I have concluded that ultimately this experience was a calling. For each person the ‘calling’ or the ‘task’ will be different. The calling is not always to serve and help others, but in some way yes, we will be called to make something out of the experience. It is how we fill our souls after they have been left barren. It is how we find light and love once more. This was very much a dark night of the soul…it takes us to depths of despair we’ve never known, but I also believe it is a calling and a blessing if we choose to view it with a wider lens…the calling perhaps to learn the lesson of true forgiveness of the self and mastery over the relinquishment of control which only serves to keep us in perpetual bondage. Trust your gut and go with that ‘THING’
And as per the forgiveness…you don’t have to do it now, you don’t have to do it ever…in fact you don’t have to listen to me at all – but I offer a compromise…how about we make it a back pocket plan?