I hear a lot about “tuff love” and I see it surfacing on some of the forums. I don’t believe in tuff love. It is something that came out of the “Rooms” and like all trends became a buzzword and a disguise for many a jaded screwed up individual to justify abuse. This ‘jargon’ has also made it’s way into teen programs for children who were labeled ‘defiant’ ‘out of control’ or suffering from substance abuse. The problem is oftentimes the acting up has to do with PAIN, and the last thing pain needs is another kick in the gut.
AND…what about adults implementing ‘Tuff Love’ on other adults?
Let’s take a walk to the ‘Rooms’
“People who dare to criticize any of this sacred Group-Think dogma can be subjected to any of the punishing tactics mentioned in item 10, Personal attacks on critics.
When it comes to “Group-Feel”, A.A. has a bad case of that, too. Good members are supposed to just “stuff their feelings”, and maintain a flat emotional state that features endless “Serenity and Gratitude.” Other emotions are considered bad, and a sign that someone is failing to “work a strong program”:
It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us. If somebody hurts us and we are sore, we are in the wrong also.
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, William G. Wilson, page 90.
And the injunction against “resentments” is extremely strong:
‘Resentment is the “number one” offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease…’
The Big Book, 3rd & 4th Editions, William G. Wilson, Chapter 5, How It Works, page 64.
The only exception to this rule is anger: the old-timers are permitted to snap and snarl at newcomers who don’t conform to the program, and put them down with caustic remarks that drip with sarcasm and condescension. And they pass that behavior off as “tough love.” A. Orange (AA as a Cult)
If you hear someone use the term “Tuff Love” RUN! What you’re dealing with is a pathological on an ego trip that gets off on abuse…there is nothing “TUFF” about love…the term “TUFF LOVE” is pathological word salad…it’s NLP…it’s BRAINWASHING…
I don’t believe in TUFF LOVE nor do I practice it…
I believe in re-direction, support, understanding and compassion…you don’t kick a dog when they’re down, nor do you feed your ego off of someone else’s pain. Tuff Love is the abuser’s tool to come off looking like the all knowing hero, the “savior” at the expense of perpetuating the damage. It’s bullshit.