Love, Marriage and NPD

Plenty of ‘targets’ of NPD abuse following the devalue and discard routine find themselves distressed not only over the realization that there are people walking around disordered who really cannot attach despite such outward displays of love and affection (except in the beginning during the targeted love bombing stage ha-ha) but that there are also people who on the drop of a dime based on impulse can just up and reinvent their lives without ever blinking an eye…POOF! On to the next one…

Perhaps there is something about the holidays that send narcs on a marrying spree – perhaps they’re trying to get their dibs in on Christmas presents and secured nookie for the winter season…whatever the motivation, those of us who have been at this a while know one thing is for certain…Narcs NEVER marry for love…they marry for image, security and the monetary benefits that come along with it.  Narcs can’t take care of themselves they are unable to soothe themselves, they are vats of insecurity and basically very young children in adult bodies.  They need others to feed off of for validation, purpose and existence very much the same way humans need water – this isn’t personal it’s just what the disorder calls for. It is the illusion that snags most of us…they will weave a fairytale of eternal bliss but while one is caught up in the ‘vapors’ it is simply a temporary delusion…eventually reality kicks in for all of us – whether married or not we learn the hard way we’re caught up with a liability…marriage to a narc really ought to be considered a day of mourning, just ask anyone who has been duped by these smooth operators.

I have come across a number of ‘victims’ recently on forums who are simply wrecked over how quickly the narc latched on to a new individual and they are experiencing a lot of cognitive dissonance over what the facts are regarding this disorder.  Whether you wish to use the word Sociopath, Psychopath or some other Axis II cluster B disorder (with the exception of a borderline as borderlines CAN love but their fear of abandonment kicks up the narcissism trait which when unchecked and treated can be just as devastating to a someone in their path).   The main component here is that narcissism is the most dangerous trait within the various classifications that make up the cluster. An incessant addiction to self soothing, instant gratification and a marked disconnect and splitting from self is what causes them to act out without any conscious feeling of the needs and feelings of others.

In my journey of recovery from such an individual, the process was very difficult to contend with.  I could not reason or rationalize how for four years I was duped and basically living out a lie.  I delved into all the psychobabble that comes along with the territory, dissected it a million different ways, felt the anger I needed to feel and spent a very long time depressed.  The experience brought up many things from my past and everything came to the surface all at once.  This is in keeping with what TRAUMA does to an individual, and certainly dealing with people on the spectrum will usually result in trauma in one form or another.

The narcissist would love for you to believe that all of his shenanigans are your fault, and he very well went about on a cruel campaign of attempting to devalue and discard you so that you could own his/her shame – but for all his projections they are not the reality but rather the rants of a severely disturbed individual, an individual who today having recovered I can admit really is powerless over his own demons, an individual whom science has with it’s cousin the psychopath demonstrated via pictures something is very broken in the brain…so what good does it do anyone to tear themselves apart over something that is out of one’s hands?  I rubber stamp them all brain damaged scientific evidence or not!

So, Romeo went off with another?  What control does anyone have over that?  NONE!  So Romeo picked a linebacker as his dream puff….what can you do about it?  NOTHING!  Are you spinning your wheels in the delusion that somehow this new person has something you don’t?  STOP!  They don’t!  What they don’t have is the wisdom and the knowledge you have that basically they’re sleeping with a monster who will maul them the same way he/she mauled you…is that really worth missing?  Are you beating yourself up ‘jealous’ that somehow she was ‘crowned’ better than you?  SHE WASN’T – unless we’re measuring better in terms of who can eat more shit and ask for a side of gravy.  Perhaps cream puff is just better at staying stuck in delusions longer than you were – is that really something to strive for?  If anything, Marriage to a narc is just a better trap for a victim – no more, no less.  For a narc, they know most who are in the dark will keep on spinning their wheels trying to make the impossible work and with their addiction to triangulation it makes the serial cheating all the more exciting for them.  A marriage partner to a narc is a built in excuse to abuse and cheat…the ever typical story of a wife at home who is simply a monster and doesn’t understand him…someone he can use as a prop to ‘cry’ on the shoulders of other women about for all her ‘shortcomings’ while lapping up vats of sympathy for his pathos.

If you can pull yourself away from the drama and despair enough to get an objective view of things, you will find that the new ‘trophy’ is fucked beyond repair and she too will have just as much of a miserable existence as you did – except now she’ll have the added cherry of having to go through a divorce with a narc or kiss the rest of her life goodbye as she becomes a perpetual slave to trying to contort herself a myriad of ways trying to please him because he has her so cluster fucked she’s lost herself.  Is that really something to miss?

Deep down you know what this is, and you own the facts – what is coming between your letting go is your ego.  Drop it and you will find peace with this whole matter.  What was done was done, you were powerless over it the moment he said hello.  The best way to heal is to educate yourself on the facts, own them then drop the whole study of pathology all together, work on your issues and start living life.  There are sites a dime a dozen which attempt to dissect these dynamics to the extent that if allowed, saturation in this realm can become maddening in and of itself.  It took me about two years to get over the trauma, today I could give a crap over what he’s doing or not doing…it’s immaterial…

You want to raise awareness?  What I’ve learned is the first step is to get our own ass off the floor first – then and only then can we be of true service to others.

For a narc, marriage is just another tool to cement an image – it says:  “Someone found me sane enough to marry” no more, no less, they wear it like a badge as if it says something significant about them while they have no clue or ability to maintain any semblence of a healthy relationship.  You did not lose in this situation, you were saved…

In 2001 there was this game Black and White where the player acts as a god and takes control over villages across several islands. Black & White features a unique game play element, a creature that the player can raise and teach. I liken the experience with the narc very much like the elements in that game as I find many of us got sucked into a ‘rescue’ mission weather we were aware of it or not.  In that game, there is a hand (the hand of God?) where you can control a character’s fate.  You can pick them up and drop them somewhere else at will.  The dissolution of the relationship, regardless of the elements I have come to find was very much like that game…I visualize the creator simply picking me up and dropping me somewhere far away to safety…it is important we realize that the severance, no matter how painful was actually an act of lifesaving and mercy. It’s okay to let go, and we don’t have to torture ourselves in the process…

The staying stuck?  That’s our issue to resolve, surrendering and relinquishing control and ego will prove to be beneficial – when the pain gets to be too much to bear, remember we’ve all been given a choice…it’s all on us to decide when to get off.  Pointing fingers and casting blame simply prolongs the suffering.

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “Love, Marriage and NPD

  1. You are bang on the mark. It took me two years to realise i was not the problem. I am still in my situation and have stopped wanting to even talk to the npd bf…the damage feels huge at times. The shame and loss of self. But, i get it now. I really get it. I am out v soon. Already out emotionally. This has been a nightmare. But i can soar above it because i have hope again.

    • You definitely CAN and will soar al welch. Believe it. All the best to you. Glad you found an explanation and an understanding. Wishing you well on your journey. Sending warm vibes your way.

  2. BettyLaLuna,

    You are AWESOME. Thank you for your listening ear, sage advice, and amazing articles. It makes so much sense. I especially like the part when it reads,

    “If you can pull yourself away from the drama and despair enough to get an objective view of things, you will find that the new ‘trophy’ is fucked beyond repair and she too will have just as much of a miserable existence as you did – except now she’ll have the added cherry of having to go through a divorce with a narc or kiss the rest of her life goodbye as she becomes a perpetual slave to trying to contort herself a myriad of ways trying to please him because he has her so cluster fucked she’s lost herself. Is that really something to miss?”

    When before I left her rental home after confronting the ex with her, she had pulled me aside telling me that he might want to walk me to the subway or want to explain what happened. When you finish talking to him, tell him I need to talk to him. I already knew that she was going to take him back…lock stock and barrel…the whiff of desperation was strong…the weird thing was, he isn’t even a prize catch…when I left, I felt like I left an insane asylum….reviewing it feels like a movie…I miss nothing from this…but I have a new found respect for my intuition and inner strength….thank you for your support in all of this.

    • Dear Looking for Suggestions,
      It is my pleasure and I am very happy you are finding some validation here…when I was in the midst of the early stages there were others who sent me a lifeline…I am a firm believer in paying it forward…don’t thank me but when you’re back on solid footing, I don’t care in what capacity…just pay it forward love…
      Hugs,
      Betty

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s