NEITHER ONE OF US WANTS TO BE THE FIRST TO SAY GOODBYE BUT IT AIN’T GONNA BE A NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP KINDA THANG…

Early on in this NPD abuse fiasco I now call: “Reclaiming my Life and Thank You Sir For Being Such a Disordered Asshole Keep the Change I am WOMAN Hear me Roar!” I had a brief hiccup because I couldn’t quite understand just how someone could perform a body and soul rape and then just like that BAM! Off porking another. I had a lot a lot A LOT of cognitive dissonance over that. In fact, at one point early on in our breakup I visited him and I in my narc induced stupor totally missed that he actually changed the sheets right there in front of me…totally missed that cue, didn’t ask questions..nothing! Come to think of it, there were alot of questions that needed asking but it’s water under the bridge. The answer CRAZY pretty much summarizes it all..Narcs sure can put a spell on ya!

Moving right along…thank GAWD I’m over his disordered ass…I digress…during that drunken psychological stupor I’ll call: “Being in Love With a Severely Personality Disordered That’s Considered Incurable Asshole, and Suffering From Delusions Brought About by Gas Lighting” I found myself at one point just really phucking stumped…I mean, I couldn’t fathom how he was able to put on such a good front…this dude was SMOOTH! All the: “Did I tell you how much I love you today?”…”Oh how I wish we met when we were younger life would have been sooooo different….” See, this cruel cat wasn’t overt in his abuse, he was suave in his game…which is why I was thrown for such a loop when Mr. Hyde popped outta his asshole…figuratively and if you know my story, I’ll never know but it might also have been literal…

Hey, I got played…but I don’t have to wear a badge of shame because actually he’s the one who played scumbag in this scenario, not me – and there are thousands of targets of these cruel cats walking around so I write about it not because I’m so lost and destroyed today but to preach that these suckas ain’t worth it…initially our minds are screwed but if we get to the right resources for help, this doesn’t have to destroy us…it can actually be our calling card…our VIP ACCESS to the art of saying PISS ON YOU NARC! But, the work has to be done and the work isn’t trying to figure out crazy…Narcs are CRAZY, they’re certifiable, the problem is they’re also very good at appearances and image and so yea, anyone can get conned…but I think I figured out the key to what got me caught up in the mix and it’s gonna be a hard thing for some to swallow but you either (wo)man up or keep sweating it – the choice is yours…I do get this might not apply to ALL, but I know I can’t be the only oddball in this swamp so I’m gonna take a chance and give it a go and share a secret…

Hold your applause!!! I’m not speaking about THEIR EGO!!! I’m speaking about OURS!

SETTLE DOWN AND HEAR ME OUT!

I can only share my personal experience, but many have shared the same story in one shape or another…”He wooed me” “He was coming out of a bad relationship” the sucka had ME believing he was a domestic violence victim!!! Basically most Narcs are always on the hunt for supply…they’ll hold on to you till they know they have another hot bed to jump into…so they always have two or three side kicks and maybe a Great Dane hanging around for the just in case because their fear of abandonment is so great they are addicted and obsessive about feeding their compulsion to guarantee they will always have a supply source. The Narc actually used the word COMPULSION – it came out of HIS mouth…I didn’t know exactly what that meant at the time, because well, my head has never really operated on that level of disturbed…but for narcs that is where their head is at all the time…they can’t help it…they may know they’ve doing wrong, but in some respects they can’t control it and since they lack empathy, remorse, cannot attach, nor love they also don’t give a fuck about how the shit they do affects you. If you’re LUCKY enough to get a ‘Sorry’ it’s just for image, it’s kinda like a “Sorry! Bye! C’ya! Sayonara!” kind of sorry, it lacks depth and definitely lacks insight on their part…it’s like the “I love you’s” they dole out…its just words…

I’ve been a little quiet lately about some experiences I’ve had only because I’ve had to process them. I thank GOD I was over him but I am going to share the experience only because I believe it truly does prove without any doubt that this dude is out to snacks…

Recently I had a health challenge…the possibility of heart failure was on the table…might still be but that is another blog…

I needed help with transportation, money was extremely tight and I didn’t have anyone to really help me get around to my appointments. I’m taking at least $100 to get the job done PER APPOINTMENT, and I didn’t have that kind of cash…sad state of affairs but it is what it is. To cut costs, I took a shot I felt I understood the way his mind worked (which I did it turns out in hindsight) and so knowing how to work the show, I put some feelers out there to get what I needed to get done. Sometimes desperate times require desperate measures. This is the distinction with a Narc…their shit is image and ego – they are not the same breed as a psychopath…if you understand how a Narc works you can manipulate them, you’d just have to sacrifice everything of yourself and you’d be an unhappy empty void living a lie. Narcs can be tamed, they can equally be manipulated…what they are is grown bodies with a child’s mind when I say tamed, they won’t ever really truly love you – they just might be better at hiding their liaison’s with others -and there will be PLENTY because they need to feed…it is an ADDICTION. Once I understood that, I knew if I wanted to, I could have just for kicks played the game and got him right back out of Quasi’s clutches…but it wasn’t worth it…for me, my mental health, my conscience, my karma…and it would be a miserable waste of time and my life – and if one elected to do that it would have to be for keeps only because if you did that, you’d be selling your soul. Narcs only see people as their property like a toy on a shelf…you can’t reject them – only they can reject you. To reject them would incite their rage which is expressed due to their abandonment issues – it could get messy (the understatement) and since they’re crazy…the rage could turn deadly. A narc would always have to be tricked into believing they have the upper hand, you’d have to be at their beck and call or pretty damn good at pretending, you’d have to be the willing and bottomless pit full of love and play the role of the ‘Brave Little Toaster’ for the both of you – you’d have to be willing to be in a relationship by yourself for the rest of your life and still fuck him…you’d have to be a willing doormat. I didn’t have what it took for that – so I cut a deal and was straight up with him: “This is what I need, no more no less…tell your lady or don’t but I need a favor and I don’t want any shit getting kicked to my doorstep over it…yes or no?”…I got the yes…and that was that. I didn’t get the YES because I misjudged him…I got the yes because he has an image he needed to redeem…and he also had some bragging to do on how wonderful his new life is with his wonderful new girlfriend and he needed to subject me to his poor attempts at acting humble while simultaneously attempting to drag my face further in shit – with a smile (they’re so charming)…so I could sit there (in his screenplay) in misery over the great prize I lost out on…but hey, when you’re facing heart failure this is child’s play, you go along to get along…

So I get a few appointments in, and the conversation is shallow – as it always was but I didn’t notice it back then as I did after I awakened from the sleepy dust…and thankfully I did realize how much he truly did bore me, but again the choice was pretty clear what needed to be done…I’d have to swallow my pride in order to confirm I had at least another thirty day’s on earth…

I’ll always have a warm spot or maybe wet spot is a better word for his parting words years ago: “You taught me how to communicate better with women” OYE VEY!! That was his “Sorry” okay? Actually, it’s a warm spot and a wet spot…think pool filled with piss!

So we’re sitting in the van a few weeks ago…and I begin talking about how I hope to get the house painted (a sore spot as he never painted my house despite a ton of shit I got done for him…namely saving his ass and getting him out of over $500,000.00 in debt so he could rise to the occasion of performing for this new floozy the irony being his MY Space account boasted of his enjoying working with his hands…A CLUE! A CLUE!) and I get to asking can he maybe put up a shelf for me…and that is when he thought it would be a perfect time to tell me that he was getting married. My first response was: “Are you crazy?” and I did try to discuss with him the downside to doing that (more to save the new victim than him) but he was adamant that this WAS THE ONE for him and all I could think in my mind was “Poor poor woman” because I could clearly see the setup…she was basically subsidizing his ass in a manner that was much more accommodating to his ‘style’ of living…HAHAHAHA! – See I had expectations, and one of them was that a man actually step up to the plate and be a man and after a while I grew tired of babysitting so that was probably the thorn in his side, his ego was bruised because I’m not good at hiding displeasure, its shows in my face and it comes out of my mouth so while on some level I intimidated him not meaning to…I think he knew I couldn’t be ‘that woman’ that he’d feign a marriage with because I’d actually hold him to task…he couldn’t feel the ‘veil’ of manhood around me because he couldn’t be the MAN…that does not negate his pathology…there are many good men out there in a slump, that doesn’t mean they’re not men, times are hard…but what Narcs want are not women, not partners, not ‘soulmates’ they want Sugar Mommas…and that is what this chick is…(and I know at least 100 reading this right now are shaking their head YES! YES! YES! because these cats are TEXTBOOK). Marriage, cements the deal…it’s a win win for a narc – they get the image that they’re normal and that someone (anyone) took the bait and found them worthy and they get a built in hooker, a sandwich after sex, a maid and financier. They’re opportunists but they’re not stupid…my flaw was I was sick and couldn’t subsidize his ass, so I was gonna be the temporary replacement until he could get an upgrade…in his case ‘color’ further cements this notion but you’d have to know all the details in order to get where I’m coming from…the core distinction…he’s probably getting low fat turkey instead of bologna these days…

Some of you may remember my piece: When The Narc Devalues and Discards and Takes off With Quasimodo if you’re stuck take a look at it…

In this process, many of us are not only dealing with the ‘trauma’ that comes from cheating, but from dealing with the fact this isn’t an asshole that lacks integrity, this is a certifiably disordered individual who cannot feel period. It’s a cold hard slap in the face to learn you’ve given your all to an alligator and you’ve just been devoured and the sucker didn’t even burp.

I frequent forums, I don’t necessarily participate, but I like to keep my finger on the pulse as when you have gotten past the ‘trauma’ and you are in a better frame of mind, all the thoughts that consumed you are no longer there…you no longer have any questions and you forget what it’s like to be a newcomer trying to sort through everything…but I often see: “Help me he married the woman he cheated on me with!!” They usually are keen enough by this point to use the words ” my replacement” It’s a very popular topic and it surfaces two to three times a month…hey, narcs cycle more frequently then rabbits screw what can I say?…They make bunnies look chaste.

Here’s the help…and I’m not blowing smoke up your ass…you have to understand the disorder to understand what I’m saying…

Yes, he did marry her…he married her because she completes the IMAGE…she is not on to him like you are…you have the vault with the secrets and his shame…of course he couldn’t stay with you…if you were married he had to dump you because working out the problems were not part of HIS contract and never a part of his agenda or vocabulary. His image MUST be perfect, you’re human that makes you flawed and a thorn in his side because you’re NOT perfect…he COULD NOT nor could he EVER meet YOU on your level…instead, he had to troll for (in their minds) another fool who would take the bait the same way we did….

EGO!!! OUR EGO!!!

Right now, home girl is high offa bullshit fumes and she’s gonna end up copping a temporary insanity plea, she just doesn’t know it yet. In the beginning we erroneously thought we’d have a handle on this when they were laying it on thick either playing the ‘dope’ in distress, or luring us with the facade of being Prince Charming…either way, it was our EGO that somehow told us we could roll with this. If he was a victim, then our EGO told us we were the master fixer uppers and only WE could understand them like no other, not only because they said it, but because they knew how to penetrate into our essence and bring up things we’ve never felt before…they are hypnotic…and in the midst of this, our ego helped us along and we were led to believe only WE could fix things for them and make them right, (an unpaid life coach of sorts) we thought only WE could end their suffering…we were on a JESUS trip…WE thought we had the power to save the lepers! That was OUR EGO…aaah but here is where the work is…how did that thought get there? Why did that feel so ‘natural’? What were our patterns before this? Repetition Compulsion maybe?

If he waltzed in smooth and showered you with diamonds and pearls…if you really look back at it, couldn’t have been much depth to their conversations…maybe lots of bullshit and you overlooked some of the Red Flags punching you in the eye and jabbing you in the ribs because oh…well, LOOK AT ALL THESE GIFTS!!! FUCK IT! JACKPOT!….

EGO! (not love)

We without knowing it, whichever scenario fits…sold ourselves out…and fell for their bag of shit hook line and sinker…not a CRIME…and YES!! we CAN overcome…

So now he’s there and he’s gone and married the chick…your replacement…what now? To be honest, I did sit there for two days after he delivered the news and tried my damnedest to feel something…anything…but I couldn’t feel anything…I might have snickered a bit, but I really did not feel anything…

Here’s the thing…

You’ve got to know yourself and know your worth and what you want out of life and with a partner. FIRST you have to know yourself and not need the ‘outside’ for validation. Months of isolation got my ass back in check, I only HAD myself to deal with, and work on self I did. I realized I was miserable all along, but I was just existing in a shell of a relationship where I fell in love with POTENTIAL (and even that was FAKE) and hoped for change…it wasn’t gonna happen – he’s disordered that’s the fact…PERIOD. I also realized that spending my days on forums pointing fingers at him over time got a little fucking old and I had a few bags of my own that needed sorting through but the longer I spent blaming him or even thinking about him, I was avoiding my own shit which existed WITH or WITHOUT him…in fact it was that SHIT that landed me with him, because I opine 9 out of 10 women that encounter these disordered fools turn them down…I was the one who didn’t and that is because the other nine women knew their worth. Not a crime, nor was the experience in vain because TODAY I DO!

So, what I believe is wise to own is that this experience although painful isn’t all about them…WE make it all about them. When first realizing we’ve been attacked by a narc, it is a typical and normal response to feel you’re going batshit crazy…they do a head job but it is totally possible to heal from this if you know the facts and you’re willing to do the work. You almost have to re-brainwash yourself again. If you have old baggage there, you’ve got to go through the bags and you may have to part with some things and the parting will be painful…it will be a process but I can testify you can get over it…I’m living proof of that. I don’t have to sell you that you’re in denial – that’s for you to decide…in the early stages you have to feel what you feel and you will feel anger, you will learn new ways to construct the words mother phucker…it will become a noun, a verb and an adjective all at once and you will master this art with skill and flair…but there will come a moment in this process where it gets still and you will find yourself alone with YOU and you will if you’re like me have a WTF epiphany.

ROLL WITH IT!

He married her? So what? If you do the work, you will feel sorry for her, but not so sorry that it will consume you. You will get over your Jesus complex and realize that everyone has a responsibility to handle their own shit their own way and on their terms and wasn’t nobody there breastfeeding you when you were on the floor curled up in the fetal position she’ll learn the same way you did or she’ll perfect the art of Doormatting -either way, not your problem.

You are not the Fairy Narc Mother…do YOU, worry about YOU, focus on SELF…HEAL and stop talking that empath gibberish…NEWSFLASH, empathy is not special, it’s a feeling most “feeling” people have it is not a handicap…you had love in your heart, you gave it freely and found out in hindsight you gave it to a shark…it hurts, it sucks but there is no real special label here other than you gave it to someone with a personality disorder and so it’s not just a deep wound, the fucker threw salt on it too so it will take a lil longer for the pain to dissipate. That is what I’ve come up with…and two years ago, I was rendered literally MUTE from the experience…

~Betty

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