Were You Targeted or Were You Chosen?

LOVE

The definition of love in Buddhism is: wanting others to be happy.  This love is unconditional and it requires a lot of courage and acceptance (including self-acceptance). The “near enemy” of love, or a quality which appears similar, but is more an opposite is: conditional love (selfish love, see also the page on attachment).  The opposite is wanting others to be unhappy: anger, hatred. A result which one needs to avoid is: attachment.

This definition means that ‘love’ in Buddhism refers to something quite different from the ordinary term of love which is usually about attachment, more or less successful relationships and sex; all of which are rarely without self-interest. Instead, in Buddhism it refers to de-tachment and the unselfish interest in others’ welfare.

“Even offering three hundred bowls of food three times a day does not match the spiritual merit gained in one moment of love.”
~Nagarjuna
“If there is love, there is hope that one may have real families, real brotherhood, real equanimity, real peace. If the love within your mind is lost and you see other beings as enemies, then no matter how much knowledge or education or material comfort you have, only suffering and confusion will ensue”
~His Holiness the Dalai Lama from  ‘The little book of Buddhism
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I have suggested many times that survivors of NPD abuse seek some form of spiritual enlightenment.  I can only liken surviving NPD abuse and the journey that ensued as a “Dark Night of the Soul” I could not come up with any other answer as to why I’d get caught up in such a situation.  I can’t conclude the Narc was evil.

Like any survivor, I had to go through stages of ‘grief’ and I had to feel my anger and my rage for ‘feeling’ betrayed.  I was betrayed; however, in the midst of the noise created by those walking along with me – those with more experience, those sitting in the same place as me and the noise of the newbies –  at times it created a cacophony of chaos and while at the time, I found comfort and solace in the support…being around so much anger and pain, compounded by my own noise…at times it felt overwhelming…with each new post I felt a ‘trigger’ as if I could hear the SCREAMS of yet another one who had been ‘victimized’ by a pathological and I really wanted it to stop, especially since with my own ranting the noise was already overwhelming…inside…

I didn’t know how to get centered.  Support forums became my ‘drug’ I was addicted.  I have other issues that keep me somewhat isolated and so they became my lifeline. I maintain connections to many and while we may not communicate as often, I feel a kinship, a friendship, a connection to all of those that I have shared so much with and who trusted me as well.  When I don’t hear from them, I’d like to think that they have moved on and are living life…

I’m not going to lie…there IS life after the Narcissist; however, it’s not a life of neon lights, confetti, wild parties and red carpets…or whatever blitz is your game…it’s the SAME life you had before.  It’s life minus insanity.  The ‘noise’ is replaced with silence and slowly you get back to learning how to appreciate it.  Oh and about ‘the work’…just what the fuck is the work?  Yea…but it’s work can’t put a finger on it…one size does not fit all…

For some therapy helps…for some meds are an added bonus…who am I to have anything to say about that?  I am anti pill – but I totally get how one might need that ‘numb’ to get the edge off…totally get it.  I just don’t have good reactions to medication.  Many of us come with baggage that dates back to childhood…the run in with the Narc was the last straw.  For me it was that pivotal moment when the house of cards HAD to fall in order for me to rebuild…

For each, the rebuilding will be different too…I’m done digging – shit happened it was fucked up…but it happened.  Can’t change it, alter it, erase it…how much deeper can I dig?  The outcome won’t change…and that is not ‘denial’ but I am lost when it comes to digging only because I need to know at what point does the digging end?  Do I dig forever?

Can I accept it was fucked up?  Does it register when some jackass does something insensitive and a ‘trigger’ takes over for a moment WHY I am reacting that way?  Can I find the middle ground and understand that disordered assholes exist and remember NOT TO ABSORB IT?

Do I recognize the patterns now?  Am I content with knowing that its a crap shoot, I can’t guarantee I’ll ever meet Mr. Right but how far outside of the lines am I willing to settle for?  Can I come to terms with the fact that society set me up?  Can I see the bigger picture and love anyway?  Can I detach with compassion and love rather than anger and rage?…

Yes I can…just don’t fuck with me…(I said it’s a work in progress)

We’ve been molded to accept crumbs…

The beauty in this experience is I no longer have a problem identifying disordered people and while disordered people exist and they are a part of this planet…I realize I have power…the power to choose just how much or how little engagement I wish to indulge in.  I am not that same little girl in a grown woman’s body wandering lost.  I still have a lot on my plate to juggle, life goes on but having gone through this the experience WAS my pathway to self esteem…to saying NO without a second thought.  I needed to be broken, life could not continue on the path it was leading to.

I was never a victim…I was chosen.  Not by a narcissist, but by the universe…it was a calling…but I needed to surrender, shut up and open my eyes to the great truth.  The clarity by which I can see things is overwhelming at times but it doesn’t shake me anymore…my intuition is stronger – I am no longer a victim to the power of suggestion…I make my own rules without hesitation or fear.  When fear does creep in, it doesn’t linger I acknowledge it.

When we talk about love…some of us may have had our own selfish motives when we hooked up with the Narc, and maybe the Narc was just better at the game and we got our ass bitten for letting our egos dictate our actions…for others, we may have loved purely but just the wrong person…

I’m not buying we were ‘targeted’ anymore unless it has to do with the universe saying…”Kid you have a lesson to learn…”

Some may criticize this and that is okay…I can only share my experience I can’t speak for the masses – but I can say that with opening up my eyes to a greater truth that doesn’t involve anything other than connecting to spirit did I finally learn just how full of shit I am because I am powerless to a certain extent, the only one I can control is me and how I react and what choices I make.  The Narc is only as supernatural as I make him.  Was he abusive?  Yes.  Was he disordered?  Yes.  Was that clear early on?  Yes…so why did I stay?  My ego told me somehow I could help him…I was ‘special’ I could ‘heal his broken soul’ because I never learned how to put me first and it was easier to ‘rescue’ someone in pain rather than looking at my own and doing something about it…I didn’t know how to do anything about it…

There is this dynamic of ‘mirroring’ and yes, there was mirroring…he was mirroring my ‘pain’ to me…he played the victim and in some respects yes he was a victim of his own circumstances…his pain no greater or less than mine…the distinction, how he chose to handle his pain.  My eyes are open, I know what the disorder is, how dangerous it is to try to get close to it, to think that I can heal it – but I can understand it which allows me compassion.

This is exactly WHERE the spiritual takes over if you are open to it…

We each have a soul, and will have to take many journeys to get to that place of PURE love.  This thing we call love here on earth…EGO prevents it and it is the constant battle with Ego we struggle with that bars us from realizing REAL love.  Until we master the battle, we will find ourselves dancing with various partners romantic and otherwise and each experience will be a test as to how much we will elevate in terms of our soul journey.

Read anything you like about love.  If it is healthy, there is nothing selfish about it…it is based on respect and freedom which means when offended we are free to release the pain.  Love isn’t pain, love is free like the choice the universe gave us.  When two souls can connect and resolve to always put the other’s highest good uppermost as the priority then there is no hurt because each are acting in freedom with self and each other’s best interests in mind.  True love can accept the imperfections of the human condition…it is not selfish nor builds upon hurts but upon more love and light.  When we talk about ‘love’ there is no room for hate or anger or resentment…

When in the relationship it felt as if this was where I was operating from, I did love with a free hand, gave freedoms I had never given to anyone else before, I did want this person’s highest good; however, when I was betrayed, I felt anger, hatred, rage…

That is not to say when one hurts us it will be rainbows and butterflies.  That is to say that when betrayed, if we’ve been enlightened if we’ve learned anything from the experience our approach to hurts will be different.  We can decide if this is healthy for us and whether we can forgive and if not detach and give the other the freedom to move on in their journey as well without ill will.  None of this is easy…

Real love says I love you enough to let you go…

If we’re still stuck on holding on, then it wasn’t love…once we master the art of letting go, only then can we love freely.

Its a process…

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9 thoughts on “Were You Targeted or Were You Chosen?

    • Heck, gotta make something out of the experience…if it helps others then at least the experience wasn’t in vain…I think for me the scariest part was the wondering…am I going crazy? I didn’t think so, but wasn’t sure…it really FELT like crazy…it WAS crazy oh my…let’s just say in this case, given the limited number of therapists who really get it…at minimum we can validate that if CRAZY has come, there is a reason behind it and it’s of the CURABLE flavor ❤

      • I was fortunate enough to have a good therapist who eventually told me that I didn’t need to see him any more. I don’t believe that you were crazy – I wasn’t either, not really. All those mixed messages from my ex-N convinced me to believe something that wasn’t true and then later, I had to deal with the mighty wallop that my sense of judgment had taken. I’ve learned to trust myself again, and I think that was the path away from “crazy”, for me, anyway.

      • In hindsight I don’t believe I was crazy either, I did see the reality; however I do believe I had a stress breakdown, I was mute for about a month, could not speak to anyone without crying, I could not say Tide Laundry Detergent without crying…it was really bad but what I realize happened was he was the ‘cork’ to a bottle that was probably due to pop for a long time, I did not realize how much was in there, so to speak of ‘what we allow’ and all those other cliche’s people enjoy spitting out AS IF they hold some merit…I disagree, as one cannot know when one has no idea of what is normal. If the radar is broken, judgement will be skewed, and one cannot be held responsible for what isn’t known. I’ve come across a few who like me recognized there were issues in childhood later in life, compared to others not AS bad, but then I also like to go by pain is pain, you can’t really ‘compare’ pain it just is…and everyone deals with it differently. But for a moment, yes I absolutely thought I was gone forever, and I tried THREE therapists who once more totally missed that what we were dealing with more than likely was TRAUMA specifically C-PTSD that I had totally suppressed and blocked and never quite understood how at various times in my life things would get a little ’tilty’ or I’d have panic attacks or over react to things and to a certain extent in my mind regress to this fearful little child. I later realized the source…once I was able to connect the dots, I saw all of it…how I was vulnerable, why I ignored the flags etc. Yes he targeted me but I was a ‘good target’…I think I’m okay now though…time will tell. I told a friend the other day…”I’m fixed now”…

  1. Thank you so much for that Kelli…it means alot to me…and I too love you to pieces!…and love the relationship we have…be blessed Ms. Lady…prayin for only good things for you ❤

  2. I love you to pieces. This post reveals your inner beauty, Betty.

    I understand just where you are with this…I don’t wish I could perceive it as you do, because we are all unique in how we perceive our experiences, as well as ourselves.

    Freedom from this means different things to different people.

    It’s the beauty in sharing that makes it meaningful for me. Just like you have here. It offers a perspective that I share, but also one in which I differ.

    Lovely you are. **Huggy sqeezies**….

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