Sometimes ‘crazy’ rubs off on you a bit…look there is nothing pretty about this…what most don’t get is that you were raped emotionally, spiritually and physically – society struggles with tunnel vision. The thought that I let a fraud, a con, someone who had not one feeling for me other than how he could exploit me, and did it so well, seemed so loving, so caring on the surface but was fucking with my head big time…well, there is nothing else to feel if you have ANY self esteem…in fact it’s your self esteem screaming: “Hey, wait a minute…NO YOU DIDN’T!!!!”… it’s a reaction to a severe boundary violation. Anger is a response of self protection…when someone violates a boundary…when someone fucks you and uses you as if you were a blow up doll for their masturbation purposes without one’s consent – most normal people would be enraged…ANGER is a feeling of self-defense which is why it is so sick to subscribe to the notion that it has to be suppressed! It should not be a lifestyle, but flying monkeys, inner tiger, lioness, whatever is your flavor…go right ahead and feel it…just do not do anything illegal, or self destructive…otherwise in this case…FUCK THE RULES! Feel what you need to feel and get it out in a safe place…rest assured…the insanity is temporary…I promise you that…
I’M BETTY LALUNA AND I’M ONE PISSED OFF BITCH!
(entry posted on a Support Forum very early in recovery)
So here I am ranting, bitching moaning – I hate this anger thing. I could really rip his head off and shit down his neck. I could really run him over – I could then shift to reverse then forward again, then maybe piss on him…I could!I could!
Maybe it’s displaced anger. I don’t want to intellectualize. I don’t give a shit about his incurable illness. The mother fucker should be put to sleep. I should be the one to shoot him right between the eyes!…No mercy killing here – point fucking blank and no last meal requests. ABSOFUCKINLUTELY – he should DIE HUNGRY!!!
I’d like to bitch slap his c…t mother too. Smug ass bitch you know…looking at the pattern it seems she’s his fucking covergirl…she pays for his celly where he gets to womanize…bad enough she chooses to be a doormat but she’s a vindictive bitch who somehow feels this is okay and enables it. She needs to have her fucking hair snatched out of her skull – I lost all sympathy for her breast cancer!
A part of me envies the Narc – yes, I do I envy that they can exploit people and keep on walking without missing a beat. They slither like snakes, create all kinds of chaos and then merrily skip along. In my case the piece of shit faggot, leans on having a “disease” of “addiction”…up my fucking ass you do!!!
Today I saw on FB a man who was so concerned about his girlfriend who has fibro…I think about all the shit I did to wipe this mamma’s boy baby asshat’s ass and not one thank you – not a paint job did not even fix my fucking door knob. His shit was so much more important – he’s a freaking clerk in a tux shop Dammit – he’s not the fucking Mayor!!!
I hate him, I hate him, I fucking hate him so fucking much…really I do…and I hate this feeling because sometimes I really think I could just run his fucking ass over…just drive up one day a fucking hit and run…remove the fucking plates to the car and BANG!!!
He better learn how to fucking fly….