The Insane Rantings of a Former Muse

In the Beginning…

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untitled by bettylaluna on Polyvore

 

That fucking bastard!

What the fuck!

This HAS to be a bad dream…

Maybe if I…

Oh, so that’s what he meant…BASTARD!

Fucking Asshole!

Piece of Shit!

OMG! I’ll DIE WITHOUT HIM…I LOOOOOVE HIM!

SCUMBAG!

DOUCHEBAG!

OMG! The bitch looks like a troll how could he!?

(What does that say about meeeeeeEEEEE)

I’m better looking anyway…humph!

(gasping for air) I’m gonna dieeeEEEEE

I’m gonna LIVE!

OMG, look at all that shit under the bed...

(lying in fetal position on the floor)

I could really kick his ass…right now I AM that crazy!

I’m gonna DIEEEEE!

This can’t kill me

This time next year, won’t mean a thing!

WTF!!??

I can’t believe the motherfucker left a sock under here!!!!

I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM!

Maybe I AM bi-polar

THAT MOTHER FUCKER IS BORDERLINE!

He forgot I was a human being!

What kind of person does this shit?

What about…

Maybe it’s a midlife thing….

He’s LIVING WITH THE BITCH!!!????

He sucked in bed…

I’ll show him!

BAAAAASTARD!!!

THE MIDDLE

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What the hell do you mean people who cannot love, cannot attach, lacks empathy?

I hear Borderlines have more hope…maybe he’s borderline?

I feel nothing…FUCK HIM…in fact, I can say this now with a smile….

I’M GONNA DieeeEEEEEE…

No one’s ever died of a broken heart – I just have to remember to breathe…and – get coffee…oh…and EAT…

What is a narcissist?

How do I get him back?

MINE is more a socipath than a psychopath with narcissistic borderline OCD, ADD, CRS tendencies leaning more towards ASPD but I believe he can be cured I don’t hate him…I can love him from a distance…in fact – he’s a victim…I forgive him…

I could really cut that mother fucker! He ought to know you don’t fuck with a Puerto Rican, we’re good with knives!

I’m a VICTIM! I’m a SURVIVOR! I’ve fornicated with a predator! Did you just say toaster?  WTF?

NO Contact! NO Contact! NO Contact!

She looks like a fucking DOG!

(But what does that say about me?)

THIS WAS RAPE!!! UNDENIABLE!! RAPE!

AWARENESS MUST BE RAISED!!!!

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A Narcissist cannot love or attach….

A Narcissist lacks empathy and remorse…

A Narcissist is an empty shell – it lives off of others it is a mass of void

A Narcissist mirrors off of others

A Narcissist targets individuals

A Narcissist cannot love or attach….

A Narcissist lacks empathy and remorse…

A Narcissist is an empty shell – it lives off of others it is a mass of void

A Narcissist mirrors off of others

A Narcissist targets individuals

I could rip off his head and shit down his neck!!!!

silenceRecovery from NPD Abuse is no easy task…

I’ve been replaced by Quasimodo!

I’ll pray for Quasimodo

I AM NOT THE FAIRY  NARC MOTHER!!!

He wasn’t man enough for me…

This house is a fucking wreck!

OMG! I’ve got that wrinkle between my eyes! He’s aged me!!!

Fuck that! I’m going on a Man Hunt!

There are no good men out there…

Not all men are dogs…

All men are scum!

There still ARE good men out there…

FUCK LOVE!

SEX?  Who needs it?  They sell shit for that….

I’m a SURVIVOR!!!

He’s an asshole…

Everyday feeling a little stronger!

He’s a dickhead!

He wasn’t good enough for me!

I curse his mother’s womb…

NPD SURVIVORS WILL UNITE AND EXPOSE ALLLLL THE NARCISSISTS OF THIS WORLD!

I’m just going to keep it simple and focus on me…

I don’t believe that bitch didn’t hold the door for me…GEEZ!  Psychopaths are EVERYwhere!!!

When the fuck will this douche get out of my head?

tow02xwaves-of-silence-ii-posters

Are you there God?

I don’t know why this happened…what you want me to do…I don’t know what I’ve done in general, I’ve tried to do it they way you wanted…I need a sign I can’t read your mind…I’m open but I need to know where you want me to go with this…you know my heart…(please make him DIE)

Look just take this out of me, I’ve tried to do it the right way, I haven’t slashed his tires, I haven’t done anything…you put this in me…this feeling…this rage…I’m overwhelmed…I need you to get it outta me…take it out of me…you’ve always done right by me, I know that but I can’t handle this…I have always stood on your word, you have never abandoned me – but this silent treatment from you is starting to feel like ABUSE! 

AND please, let me do better than him…just this once let me outshine the bastard…he can’t get away with this…he fucking USED me, he’s a con and he gets away with it…comes off smelling like a rose…WHY? What in any of this is fair?…I don’t give a shit about him…I get what he is…but now you and I have a beef because I don’t know WHY…I don’t care that he’s with her, in fact, I am tickled because she does look like a beast and from what I can tell lacks my class and intellect…he’s fronting on the wannabe front…I don’t give a shit what he does really at this point…I don’t want him, the thought of him really disgusts me…I can roll with that…I can see clearly he’s a fraud and it’s almost an embarrassment now that I let anything like that in my realm…operative word THING…but the resentment…the anger…it has to leave me…I can’t walk around like this…you gotta help me here…

FINE, look whatever you say…I’m broken just TAKE THIS OUTTA ME I’m begging you here…I don’t know where you want me to go…what you want me to do, what you are trying to show me, just let me live, get this out of me, I can’t handle this I’m done…I really am done and if you ain’t gonna take the pressure off then just take my life because I’m TIRED…I’m TIRED…I’m sick, I’ve been struggling, I’ve battled, I’ve fought, I’ve stayed strong and not one fucking break I am TIRED…I am weary and frankly look at me…what am I gonna do?  I’ll stick around for the kid but I’m tired and something has got to give…

And please…don’t let me die of  a heart attack…I ain’t ready yet…

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“Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.”-Psalm 30:5

Christian! If thou art in a night of trial, think of the morrow; cheer up thy heart with the thought of the coming of thy Lord. Be patient, for

Lo! He comes with clouds descending.”

Be patient! The Husbandman waits until He reaps His harvest. Be patient; for you know who has said, “Behold, I come quickly; and my reward is with me, to give to every man according as his work shall be.” If you are never so wretched now, remember

“A few more rolling suns, at most,

Will land thee on fair Canaan’s coast.”

Thy head may be crowned with thorny troubles now, but it shall wear a starry crown ere long; thy hand may be filled with cares-it shall sweep the strings of the harp of heaven soon. Thy garments may be soiled with dust now; they shall be white by-and-by. Wait a little longer. Ah! how despicable our troubles and trials will seem when we look back upon them! Looking at them here in the prospect, they seem immense; but when we get to heaven we shall then

“With transporting joys recount,

The labours of our feet.”

It%20was%20then%20that%20I%20carried%20youOur trials will then seem light and momentary afflictions. Let us go on boldly; if the night be never so dark, the morning cometh, which is more than they can say who are shut up in the darkness of hell. Do you know what it is thus to live on the future-to live on expectation-to antedate heaven? Happy believer, to have so sure, so comforting a hope. It may be all dark now, but it will soon be light; it may be all trial now, but it will soon be all happiness. What matters it though “weeping may endure for a night,” when “joy cometh in the morning?”

Release HIM

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untitled by bettylaluna on Polyvore

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master…”

~Elizabeth Gilbert, “Eat Pray Love”

This NPD abuse experience…it was hell on earth but I have often shared that it is actually about something much deeper, more profound.  I came face to face with evil…whether or not this person will be summoned to hell – I have no way of knowing I have to trust the Creator’s decision and own that I don’t have the power to control…looking back sure I wish things were different I wish I didn’t suffer pain…but I also wish that this person wasn’t as damaged as they are…I couldn’t help that or change that and it could have killed me.  What I got from this however, was that the power was always in my hands it just took my surrendering and then POOF! One day all of the pain was gone.  It was a Dark Night of the Soul and for as long as I fought that surrendering the longer I was in pain.  Sometimes in order for the light to get in, we have to be broken. I can only share my experience but I can’t say I regret it.  Healing is possible…I can testify to that…I’ve also come to own just how insignifcant they are…their ‘power’ is in our heads…

RELEASE…LET.IT.GO

SEE:  DARK NIGHT OF THE SOUL

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5 thoughts on “The Insane Rantings of a Former Muse

    • Hopeful,

      They said 18 months is what most are looking at in terms of the recovery from the ‘event’ and I believe I was pretty much on the mark…definitely within two years…it is very much an up and down process…then you find there is the other side of it, the rebuilding and sorting through the issues which landed you there in the first place if during the ‘journey’ you begin to see a ‘pattern’ and how perhaps a ‘history’ may have contributed to attracting these types (childhood issues or some other kind of trauma) on the top of my WP Blog I have some tabs that explain the process a little more that was posted on my website. The wording towards the end is addressing that audience; however for your persual, I linked one of the articles here, feel free to take a peek at the top tabs. If I can help you in any way, feel free to let me know…https://narcraiders.wordpress.com/test/what-to-expect-in-the-recovery-process/

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