This post will not be as full of piss and vinegar as my previous posts…September will mark three years since the Narc and I broke up. Might be two years, I don’t remember…nonetheless, we talk about red flags, subconscious warnings, premonitions…whatever is your flavor there are a few dreams that have piqued my attention and so I thought I’d share a little bit about how examining dreams might be helpful if you’re into that sort of thing.
I remember when the Narc was first courting me, when he was hard and heavy with all the love bombing we’ve come to understand is part of his charade just beneath the surface, YES…there were RED FLAGS…they were waving, smacking me in the face left and right but did I heed the warning? NOPE! Kelli from Ability to Love (also on WordPress) shared some thoughts on why I think I fell prey to such a scam. While our childhood backgrounds differ, some of what she shared I could identify with. Very early into this ‘courtship’ which lasted about a year before we ‘sealed the deal’ I remember having a dream that he invited all my family and friends over because he planned to marry me and he was going to announce it to everyone; however, in the dream, he did not propose to me, he just went about these plans without consulting me and had everything arranged and I was sleeping in my bedroom and he just opened the door and told me to wake up that the party was ready and we were getting married and I protested. I then woke up and had a full-blown panic attack. I was left there scratching my head because yes, I was sweet on him but at the same time I felt he was bulldozing his way into things and it was going to fast and something just did not sit right with me. At the same time, having wanted to get married someday, I wondered in the back of my mind why it would alarm me because I reasoned dreams are symbolic and instead chose to cling to the ‘symbolism’ of his ‘taking charge’…I dismissed it all – but my subconscious was definitely on point. That was my fail….
I also remember a time when he was going through some drama with his ex-wife who had this habit of removing license plates from his car for some un-godly reason (probably cheating) suggesting that if he wanted to work it out he should go to his sister’s house and take a bit of a time out. I reasoned it would give her some time to think it through and give him some time to think it through with the hopes that maybe some time apart would bring them both to their senses. Those of you not familiar with my story, I got caught up in a web simply trying to be a friend; however, I was targeted because he was about to be dumped and he was at no exit and so he needed a safe haven to get him through…I was for all intents and purposes supply…and yes, I survived but the whole ordeal was very devastating because most of us cannot really grasp that there are folks that can target someone and be so good at it…I digress…I remember him throwing up all kinds of excuses for why he couldn’t do that – despite simultaneously convincing me HE was a ‘domestic violence’ victim and I found myself at my wit’s end because for a year at that point I listened to his tales of woe ad-nauseum and tried everything in the book to try to help him get to some type of self-sufficiency and slowly but surely without my realizing it, he was wearing me down. I remember he called me late one night after the umpteenth time he had been kicked out of his house and the police were called and “blah, blah, blah” and I remembered his talk of being ‘powerless over his disease’ and in a moment of snark I replied in a text message…”I have to realize I am powerless over your addiction to drama”…humph! Talk about out of the mouths of hot babes! I don’t even know where that came from but once again it was a flag smacking me dead in the face…did I even acknowledge what came out of my own mouth? NOPE!
Shortly thereafter I assumed the role of clean up woman….the rest of the story you can probably write because our stories are all pretty much the same…beginning, middle and end…idealize, devalue and discard.
The end like most everyone else’s was kinda like a hornet’s nest that was disturbed, I realized I was involved with a stranger. We never really fought much but that was because he did everything to avoid and so I sat on one end of the relationship thinking it was rosy and yes, there were a few bumps but nothing that was a deal breaker and he…well, he was just out there doing his thing…because that is what they do…THEIR thing, whatever that thing is for the moment, and they do it quite well and so you would never suspect, unless of course…it’s TIME for you to know…whatever it is they need you to know because well…you’re not perfect, and well…you know…it’s time to fall from grace. I think the most insulting thing out of all of it is perhaps the radical downgrade they expose themselves to because it stings just a little bit more when you see who they are and where their true comfort levels are which is revealed in the ‘new’ choices they make – it’s a smack in the face to see you wasted your assets on someone who had no value for them. Hindsight is always 20/20, it’s just the way it is…Acceptance takes time but it gets to be ‘all good’ once again.
When the trauma first started coming to the surface, I remember having these haunting dreams that he was still with me, and we’d have these intense talks – that is one thing that I believe had magnetic pull – he was good at conversation but I realize now in a way he was mirroring me which is why the conversations were so good. They are chameleons and are exceptional actors, most are quick on their feet and intelligent and so they can pick up things without you even noticing it. I think I missed that part the most, not realizing he was really just giving ME back to myself. There was also this little boy side to him that made you want to just nurture the shit out of him. They play you like that – they play on your compassion and your sympathy, they know how to get their needs met by any and all means necessary – they know what makes you tick. I remember him saying in the end when I was raging at him: “I know YOU – you don’t know me!” That should have sent a chill up my spine but I did not know what NPD was at the time, I just assumed he was talking out of his asshole, because they also have a way of appearing like space cadets, they can master the art of being evasive and so you can get signals crossed if you are unaware of the disorder and the tactics they use to manipulate you.
When we were ‘allegedly’ trying to work it out…translation: I was trying to work it out because he was on pure cat plays with mouse mode and I was the mouse. He said to me, in a moment where I admitted (foolishly) that We screwed up “That’s what I was waiting for, for you to admit that…and now I want to be totally honest and open, I want to know your triggers.” I shared with someone earlier today that in a way, there were some angelic forces guiding me through all of this because whether I could see it or not, I was doing things that would allow me to get away, be it to disgust him to the point that he’d be no longer interested in me, or be it to place some kind of line in the sand that he would not dare cross. It was not an aggressive threat but rather I was doing things in such a way that harm would be caused to the relationship that would be irreparable, except it was as if something else other than me was taking over and guiding my actions. I remember during this time dreaming that we were walking down a street and six-foot mountains of his dirty laundry were littering the streets. With all that I discovered, I can’t imagine a more literal dream because the dirty laundry was flying out the hamper faster than I could keep up with. It was one of those times where you did not dare say things could not get any worse because the more you said it the more you were proved wrong…let me put it this way…the only thing missing from this disaster was a hidden affair with a goat! The only reason why I rule that out is because I live in the city.
I had many dreams of mourning, of crying, of intense pain and longing…it cut deep into my soul…I was sad for a very long time, and I found comfort in my anger because feeling the anger was so much easier. But as time passed, as I shared with others, and as I wrote it got easier. I realized that while he had a disorder, there was something about me that made me vulnerable to this type of exploitation and once I began to deal with that things got to a place where I could manage. It’s still very much a work in progress but it has nothing at all to do with him. It’s not even about blame but rather learning boundaries and recognizing the soul suckers and the miserable people who also walk this earth and making choices that are to my benefit in terms of what I wish to engage in and what needs to be fed with a long spoon.
Last night for some reason my mind took a turn. Might be a trigger of some sort, something about the time of year or the weather and I got to thinking about the reality of what he did and how he did it, and resentment crept up. This was a dude who in the blink of an eye just totally up and reinvented his life, lied, and justified his fuckuptedness, cast himself as the victim and then snatched a new hootchie off the street then married her. Bonus points, she’s a white chick which normally wouldn’t be a big deal except in his case it’s just another badge he can wear being he is not a white dude. To him, this chick says: “Look at me, I scored a white chick!” It’s about image in this case, it’s not about love. It’s about making HIM look good. I understand that some might not digest this statement well. I don’t know how to express this without sounding racist but it is my reality and I’m sticking with it; however, in my defense I am tri-racial, my grandfather was white and very much a surrogate father to me so this is not a jab at ‘white folks‘ but a statement of how racism is also part of disorder and something Narcs can use as a means of exploitation as well. And it CAN go a myriad of ways because at the end of the day, racism in and of itself is now being touted as a disorder. I feel the need to elaborate a tad more on this because it’s important to me that I’m not misunderstood. I am not suggesting that interracial relationships are wrong or there is something pathological with them. I am the product of an interracial relationship as is my mother; however, when we’re dealing with disordered people, we’re not talking about normal human emotions we are talking about ‘drives’ and so in the situation I am sharing what appears to me are additional dynamics is the narc’s own self loathing whereby he is idealizing a ‘white’ woman as a means of a surrogate identity, a means of being ‘superior’ coupled with a subconscious resentment of his mother (a latin woman) and so this rejection is manifested by devaluing and discarding anyone symbolic of his mother and worshiping and idealizing (marrying) her polar opposite. Doesn’t matter who or what it is, as long as it is the polar opposite of his mother. My observations are he picks homely white women. He’s had ‘women of color’ others quite beautiful with no real major issues, but he will not marry them. Couple that with an unattractive woman whose self-esteem may not be where it needs to be and he drops a few lines and she melts like butter. He sucks her in, gets her to ‘feel sorry’ for him, all his baggage and his sad lot in life and we now have the perfect scenario for the ‘White Savior‘ – these are all theories I’m throwing out there…I could be way off. He could be the mascot for mental health and she could very well be the most self-assured woman out there but I’m doubtful of that, because Narcs target people with cracks and if I know this NPD as well as I believe I do, there is a crack in there somewhere with her, taking looks OUT of the equation. It might just be her ego needing some stroking or better said – purpose. I believe this is part of his disorder manifesting but I wish to make it clear I do not believe all interracial relationships are disordered.
Anyway, I got pissed because I took a long hard look at me and I was cluster fucked because it’s one thing to be rejected, but another to be rejected and tossed aside for a downgrade so for a moment I was peeved, forgetting the core issue is his alleged disorder…and it lingered, and just like an earworm it wheedled its way into my subconscious and I had another dream…but I think its’ a good dream even if on the surface it was a horror. But I know for certain I have turned the corner…
Last night I dreamt that the narc in ‘classic triangulation mode’ elected to hit me up for some filler supply and he wanted to do the ‘deed’. In the dream I did not come straight out and say “NO!” but I was firm in my resolve it wasn’t going to happen. The reason why in the dream I did not vehemently protest was because I do know you have to coax their ego or you can be subjected to their rage and so I did not wish to set him off but rather gently ‘re-direct’ but in my mind it was not gonna happen, I can’t even imagine ever doing the deed with HIM again the thought of it brings on nausea. While I am at a place of acceptance, it’s not so much that he is married, or that he hurt me, or any of those things but rather to me at this point he is dirty and I cannot even go there in my mind. So while he’s sitting there in the livingroom I walked to the kitchen for a minute and when I came back to the livingroom he was gone but there were a few maggots on the floor. For some reason in my mind the best method for getting rid of them was to use a can of Raid roach spray so I went back to the kitchen to get the can and when I came back into the living room there were tens of thousands of maggots crawling on the floor and they were carrying articles of clothing on their backs the way ants might carry a leaf. Just like in real life, I start screaming: “Oh shit! Oh shit!” Somehow instead of just spraying haphazardly, I begin to spray it in such a way that they are led out the door to my apartment…it was like a Million Maggot March out my door, I was like the Pied Piper of Maggots and they all slowly just exited my apartment and I shut the door and could care less what happened to them once outside. I then became concerned about eggs and so I went to a crack in the wall, and I sprayed it and then became concerned that perhaps there was something dead behind the wall and the dream ended.
I looked up what maggots in a dream mean and there are various meanings; however I found this one interesting…
Interpretation from Dreammoods.com:
To see maggots in your dream represent your anxieties about death. It may also be indicative of some issue or problem that you have been rejecting and it is now “eating away” at you. You need to confront it for it is destroying your sense of harmony and balance.
In particular, to dream that you are stepping on maggots indicate guilt and impurity. You are trying to repress your immoral thoughts or behavior. On a positive note, this dream symbolizes your resilience, persistence, and your ability to bounce back from adversity.
I do believe I am way past the stage of ever hoping or waiting for any closure or apology from the narc. In fact, I’ve made it clear that given this amount of time, I don’t even care to hear it because if after all the time that has passed he never of his own accord had any conscience whatsoever to even think it was the appropriate thing to do, something is way wrong and I don’t need the lip service. I have had to achieve my own closure and do my own work and the truth is I learned very valuable lessons and today I clearly see how much I was saved from a lifetime of misery. I would never have been truly happy. EVEN IF he’s normal, he could not meet MY standards and I was willing to live a life inside a box that was not me. My spirit was not free when I was with him, all my energy went into trying to be perfect and please HIM, a pattern I developed long before he stepped onto the scene and it was MY shit to own. That does not excuse or condone his behavior, but I see clearly had my head not been slammed into the wall as brutally as he did it with his behavior, I would have continued to attract disordered and/or unavailable, needy men who were not strong enough to stand on their own. I realized relationships are supposed to be journeys, not based on rescues but rather shared experiences, that each person ought to complement one another, not replicate the relationship between mother and son. It is what narcs are most likely to manipulate and create but that is only so they can lash out later because the women in their lives regardless will always be the surrogates for the repressed rage they feel towards their mothers who either doted on them and created self-absorbed grandiose little monsters, or did not protect them from extreme abuse which caused them to develop the disorder as a means of self-protection. Either way, I am worth more than being MOMMIE to an overgrown adult and GOTDAMMIT I have my own ‘daddy issues’ to weed through. I needed to SEE this and that is what the Narc experience did for me…it SET ME FREE.
Those maggots in that dream in my house (the self) were the years of decay that existed and when I faced it, I said “Oh shit! Oh Shit!” boy did I say “Oh Shit!” because it all came up at once, it took over, it nearly ate me alive – but in the dream I did have power, I took control, I got all of it out and once it was out that was it, the door was shut on it…but I remain AWARE there is more work to do, there may still be something in there that needs to be rooted out (the possible dead thing behind the wall) but I am on the path and life could not be better despite everything that surrounds me. I own myself. I have no guilt or impurity for loving, or for who I am, or who I have been, but I do have resilience, persistence, and ability to bounce back from adversity. I believe each and every one of us who have been down this road have it…it takes time and it takes work. No more of that FIRE AND DESIRE bullshit!
It’s really good to see you again, baby
And I must admit you’re looking very, very, very nice these days
I guess life must be treating you well
Well, I’ve just been doin’ the same ol’ thing I’ve always been doin’
You know, I’ve got a new lady now
And it’s a little different then it was when I was with you
You know, I think back to when we met
The way I use to be and the cold way I use to act
But more than that. I think of how you changed me with your love and sensitivity
Remember when I used to
Love them and leave them
That’s what I used to do
Use and abuse them
Then I laid eyes on you
It was pain before pleasure
That was my claim to fame
With every measure, baby
Tasted teardrop stains, yeah
I was cold as ice long ago, baby, baby
I wasn’t very, very, very nice, you know
Sugar, sugar, sugar
Then I kissed your lips
And you tuned on my fire, baby
And you burn me up within your flame
Took me a little higher
Made me live again
You turned on my fire, baby
Then you showed me what a love could do
Fire and desire, baby
Feel it comin’ through
And I thank you, baby
Oh, how I thank you, baby
You taught me so much
And you showed mw so much and love and sensitivity
That since you’ve been gone I don’t think I’ve ever felt this way before
You know it’s funny how a man can change
So quickly from a cold blooded person
Thinkin’ he’s God gift to women
Remember how I use to do that
I must have been crazy then
Remember when you used to
Love them and leave them
Oh, that’s what I used to do
Use them and abuse them, whoa
Then I laid eyes on you
It was pain before pleasure
Oh, that was my claim to fame
With every measure
Tasted your teardrop stains, yeah
You were cold as ice (Woo…hoo…hoo…hoo…), baby, baby
(I-I wasn’t, I-I wasn’t very nice, I know, woo…)
Sugar, sugar, sugar, sugar
Then I kissed your lips
And you (You turned on) turned (You turned on) on
(You turned on my fire) my fire, baby (Ooh…)
Then you showed me what a love could do (Woo…hoo…)
Fire and desire (Fire and desire)
Feelin’ good to you (Feelin’ good to you)
You turned on my fire (Fire, ooh…ooh…), baby (Oh, baby)
And you burn me up within your flame (You burn me, you burn me)
Fire and desire (Fire and desire)
And we’re both to blame, both to blame (Ooh…ooh…)
I guess I think we both said a little too much today (No, ooh…hoo…hoo…)
After all Tee, you’re kind of with somebody else
I’m kind of livin’ with somebody (Ooh…ooh…ooh…)
But please do me a favor just before you go (What is it, baby)
Just put your arms around me and hold me like you used (I wanna hold you tight)
Tell me “Rick” (Oh…oh…) “Everything is gonna be alright”
(Everything, everything, everything is gonna be alright)
Put your arms around me
Put your arms around me (Ooh…)
Oh, baby (Woo…ooh…ooh…)
Oh, baby (Ooh…ooh…ooh…ooh…ooh…ooh…ooh…)
POST SCRIPT: After writing this, I thought about it some more…that’s what you do when you’re doing some work…and I realized the ‘trigger’ was more than likely Father’s Day…I always shared the Narc was a mix of issues I had with both my mother and my father…they were not on the pathological realm, but like most grown ups there is baggage. I wasn’t looking for ‘Daddy’ I don’t believe I’ve ever looked for ‘Daddy’ but there were things about him, the admirable parts of my father and some of the dark side of my father that made him ‘familiar’ and so I think that also had to do with the lure towards him despite the bells going off early on, coupled with some Mommie things I also noted…those things the analysts like to say we keep playing out till we get it right…the repetition compulsion…and now that I think about it, I think the ‘trigger’ which set my mind back to resentment was Father’s day and yes, the resentment towards him was certainly aimed at him, but subconsciously because it all appears to be a complicated web in terms of how I got caught up…what my ‘drive’ may have been or my attraction to him…it brought the whole situation up again in my mind. It’s resolved now…I think the dream is my subconscious awareness that in this journey in life there will always be things we can tweak and work on, but I don’t view this as a lifelong scar. I believe life will go on, I believe it will be good, and I even believe that there is a shoe out there for me, in fact I think the next round is really going to be exceptional because I had this experience which brought me into a whole new realm of awareness. There is hope. If you’re going through it…keep going…