The Hindsight

“The way out of the problem? Or the dead-end relationship? Or the dead-end job? Or sadness? Trust the inspiration that Spirit has been sending to you. Know that what you’ve been thinking and feeling is for a reason. Then take the steps you’ve been telling yourself that you’ll take. True, the path ahead may not be an easy one. But it’s an opportunity for growth. And a new life. And a chance to discover who you really are. What your potential really is? And the source of your spiritual power.”
James Weeks/Across The King’s River

I have no real words of wisdom, anything I had to give to this walk has been said, it’s all been purged but this passage spoke to me and I thought I might share an insight.

When in the midst of this I found there were no lifelines I could count on. That isn’t necessarily new either; however, when in the midst of this storm, I remember being so desperate for some kind of connection to someone. Many of us developed patterns where we also attracted shitheads for friends. Many of us come from some family dysfunction, we begin to see things with different eyes.

I have an illness and my back has been against the wall for ten years as I fight that illness. For a brief moment I had a window. I never have regained the ability to fully function, even when in the relationship my ability was limited but it was not as bad as it is today. Everyone has SOME cross they bear. I am not saying this to minimize or invalidate someone’s pain but rather sharing my experience and how I have had to come to accept how some things just are.

I remember the isolation during my recovery from NPD abuse being one of the most difficult things to master. Because of my illness it was a walk I was familiar with but I forgot how hard it could be.

If you are there right now…I’ve survived and you will too. I remember thinking to myself that somehow the universe was ‘breaking’ me in order to mold me. I held on and I rode the wave and I fought to stay open.

Choirs of Angels do not sing for me today, I cannot tell you my world just opened up, there were no Oprah moments, no breakthrough’s worthy of an Iyanla Vanzant celebration episode. I fell down and I got back up.  Took a long time.

Pain is a bitch. Pain can go deep into the bone. I remember times it was so bad I could feel it way to the ends of my fingertips and all I could do was sit there and cry and after a while there were so many things that came up in me so fast, hard and furious I couldn’t even keep up with why I was crying it took me over. But today I’m standing.

Whatever you do, don’t give up, don’t get caught up in THEM, have the courage to look at you. No, you did not deserve the abuse but there is a reason why you did not see it, or walk at the first sign of it…search for that…never mind trying to learn all about them. It was the lack of knowing yourself for WHATEVER reason that led you down this path. You either seek wisdom and understanding or sign up for a repeat performance. Once you know the truth then you are no longer a victim. If it happens again after all the work you’ve done then you are a willing participant and the drama won’t stop unless you stop it.

I used to mince my words for fear of not having the popular view. Today I feel I am not being ethical unless I speak what in my estimation is truth. We each have the ability to find our own answers, they come when we seek. There is no magic formula. You go through it…you find a good support system and you ride the waves. There is no magic guru that’s gonna carry you…we carry ourselves.




The Sounds Of Silence

Silence is dangerous. It is emotionally unhealthy. It’s also unfair to suggest, imply or to tell someone that they need to shut up in some way because you are not comfortable with what they are sharing with you. I have to wonder how much of that implication given to silence has little to do with the person sharing and more to do with the person who doesn’t want to hear it.
~Kelli – The Ability to Love Recovery From Psychopathic Abuse (on WordPress)