The Hindsight

“The way out of the problem? Or the dead-end relationship? Or the dead-end job? Or sadness? Trust the inspiration that Spirit has been sending to you. Know that what you’ve been thinking and feeling is for a reason. Then take the steps you’ve been telling yourself that you’ll take. True, the path ahead may not be an easy one. But it’s an opportunity for growth. And a new life. And a chance to discover who you really are. What your potential really is? And the source of your spiritual power.”
James Weeks/Across The King’s River

I have no real words of wisdom, anything I had to give to this walk has been said, it’s all been purged but this passage spoke to me and I thought I might share an insight.

When in the midst of this I found there were no lifelines I could count on. That isn’t necessarily new either; however, when in the midst of this storm, I remember being so desperate for some kind of connection to someone. Many of us developed patterns where we also attracted shitheads for friends. Many of us come from some family dysfunction, we begin to see things with different eyes.

I have an illness and my back has been against the wall for ten years as I fight that illness. For a brief moment I had a window. I never have regained the ability to fully function, even when in the relationship my ability was limited but it was not as bad as it is today. Everyone has SOME cross they bear. I am not saying this to minimize or invalidate someone’s pain but rather sharing my experience and how I have had to come to accept how some things just are.

I remember the isolation during my recovery from NPD abuse being one of the most difficult things to master. Because of my illness it was a walk I was familiar with but I forgot how hard it could be.

If you are there right now…I’ve survived and you will too. I remember thinking to myself that somehow the universe was ‘breaking’ me in order to mold me. I held on and I rode the wave and I fought to stay open.

Choirs of Angels do not sing for me today, I cannot tell you my world just opened up, there were no Oprah moments, no breakthrough’s worthy of an Iyanla Vanzant celebration episode. I fell down and I got back up.  Took a long time.

Pain is a bitch. Pain can go deep into the bone. I remember times it was so bad I could feel it way to the ends of my fingertips and all I could do was sit there and cry and after a while there were so many things that came up in me so fast, hard and furious I couldn’t even keep up with why I was crying it took me over. But today I’m standing.

Whatever you do, don’t give up, don’t get caught up in THEM, have the courage to look at you. No, you did not deserve the abuse but there is a reason why you did not see it, or walk at the first sign of it…search for that…never mind trying to learn all about them. It was the lack of knowing yourself for WHATEVER reason that led you down this path. You either seek wisdom and understanding or sign up for a repeat performance. Once you know the truth then you are no longer a victim. If it happens again after all the work you’ve done then you are a willing participant and the drama won’t stop unless you stop it.

I used to mince my words for fear of not having the popular view. Today I feel I am not being ethical unless I speak what in my estimation is truth. We each have the ability to find our own answers, they come when we seek. There is no magic formula. You go through it…you find a good support system and you ride the waves. There is no magic guru that’s gonna carry you…we carry ourselves.





5 thoughts on “The Hindsight

  1. So very true Carrie…everything you’ve shared. It’s so very hard at the beginning but if there is anyone here who is new to this…you now have two people validating that you WILL get through it. Yes, it was so bad I remember telling myself almost as if to brainwash myself: “This won’t kill you it only feels like death…a year from now you won’t feel this way” I had to say that to myself almost everyday for six months…six months later it was still bad but it got better and better step by step, bit by bit, piece by piece…learning how to let go is a process for some of us…but there are people who have stood where you are standing today and from at least two people, myself and Carrie…we can TESTIFY…you’re gonna get through it. Carrie thank you so very much for stopping by and sharing your insights…sometimes I think the most effective part of a blog isn’t necessarily the author’s words but the responses of others because it ‘validates’ that what the author is sharing isn’t so off base. For anyone who is interested, Carrie writes Lady With a Truck another blog I appreciate so much!

    • Thank you Betty! I always enjoy your posts; you are “no nonsense” and don’t sugar coat what you write. I respect that. There is no sugar coating a psychopath/narcissist I love your tag line.
      A narcissist could eat a cheeseburger and watch you drown.
      Humorous but sadly very true.

  2. Betty, so very true.
    There was no moment in time that I consider my “breakthrough”. But I know It was the most painful journey of my life. I felt stripped down to nothing and in the process of putting myself together again I have found an inner peace I can’t adequately describe. People always ask me “how do I get through this” there is no answer; you just do. For over a year every morning I woke up and thought, “I can not do this one more day” and somehow I did; until one day I was through it.
    You have to want to heal, you have to be patient with yourself and allow yourself to grieve but I think some times people cling to their pain because it keeps them attached to their abuser. To truly heal means you have to let the abuser go and move on. They have been in pain so long it has become part of them.
    By letting go of your pain you let go of part of your identity and you have to risk people knowing you, your true honest raw self.
    If that makes sense.

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