Closure on Imaginary Terms…

angelsI can’t find myself to get all preachy about it like I’ve been inspired from up above but you asked me a question so here goes…

Before I begin let me advise you that it’s never wise to betray a writer because anything and everything that happens to us is free game and if you wanted to be flattered, you should’ve behaved better! (Doesn’t matter that WE did not know I was a writer but I thank you for bringing me here)…’nuff said…

You wanted to know…“How to forgive” and honestly there is no one size fits all answer, I’ve never been in your shoes…oh yes there was that time when you behaved in such a manner so as to leave me stranded WORSE than the shit underneath your shoes BUT somehow I forgave you…or DID I?

“Forgive and Forget” – Oh bullshit! Some things we’ll never forget and therein lies the rub…

HOW.LONG.WILL.YOU.CHOOSE.TO.STAY.ADDICTED.TO.PAIN?

What I have learned is that when we’re talking what we perceive to be a real bad betrayal…I dunno – like UH…serial cheating, lying, devaluing and discarding, or real shoddy shit blamed on compulsion…shit that’s blamed on anything and everything under the sun and LACKING in accountability – it gets mighty hard to forgive…the only thing I could imagine would be a lil easier to handle might be a Draino enema.

BUT you asked ME: “How to forgive?” AND it’s a mighty good question and I’m not sure if I am worthy of authoring the “How-To” but I’ll give it a shot…

Spoken from a line you once shared…not the one:

“If I pick up again get me out of here”…

but the one about:

“Hurt people hurt people”…

I think in order to forgive you have to be able to love.  I also think you have to be willing to accept…

That you loved…

EVEN IF your perception is someone fucked you over.

I think you have to be able to look at them not in the flesh but in the soul, I think you have to connect to their inner child, I think you have to be intimate with that inner child and communicate on that level because it is the inner child that acts out, not the wise adult. The inner child knows their emotions on the primal level before they’re molded. Babies can’t talk so they cry. Toddlers in their struggle for identity embrace “NO!” even when they mean yes…children by nature are narcissistic it is natural and normal for them to relate to the world on “ME ME ME!” terms. I think you have to be willing to choose to be the adult and love anyway…even when it seems there is no hope and someone will be a perpetual asshole. I think you have to just accept they’re powerless over it – it is how they relate, and embrace your powerlessness in the process as well.

Anger is only disguised pain – you have to be willing to go through the pain, feel it, grieve it, lean into it, surrender to it, go down with it, ride it, pound it, then release it…easier said than done. Denial only prolongs it… it has to be vented and purged – it needs an outlet. Only then do you become free and gain some clarity.

People don’t like pain.

They run from it.

They hide from it.

They fight it, suppress it…

They medicate it.

THEY LIE…to themselves and others. They do their best to bury it like cats covering a turd.

Facing ourselves in the mirror takes great courage. Owning our part is hard to face, blaming solves nothing.

“But I did everything right” many say – because it’s easy to say that…

“I did nothing wrong to deserve this!” – we tell ourselves…and maybe that’s true and maybe it isn’t.

I tend to believe there are always signs…we CHOOSE to ignore them.

We want to change people…

Mold them…

Control them…

Make them into what we want them to be…

We fall in love with IMAGE and the IDEA and we think in our own ignorance and ego that somehow – YES there are flaws but somehow WE will control those flaws, somehow as if by magic this union will make all the wrongs right, we will love them away…

But the wrongs are embedded.

Broken is broken.

They’re there.

They are part of the core, the blueprint, the symptoms of the repetition compulsion – people ARE who they are and our EGO needs fine tuning when we think somehow we’re going to change things or be the elixir for someone else’s ails…

Rescue missions only work in Disney Movies…

Heroes often fail.

Two broken people will never make a whole.

The problem is that sometimes, one cannot just let it die a slow and natural death – instead one feels the need to carry the torch of scorn forever…because…

Facing pain is hard.

It’s really anger at the self after a certain time…

But we can’t always see this.

How do we forgive?…

Oh there are many answers but perhaps the one that’s worked for me is to recognize the repetition compulsion, understand the other person may very well have their own script going on – one you can’t change, be accountable and make honest amends and understand that sometimes others cannot forgive as easily. They may serve to be reminders of your own negative patterns which you will have to become aware of in order to release. When we’re caught up in repetition compulsions we absorb all the shit toxic people throw at us because they are satisfying the addiction of pain and shame.  Subconsciously we keep going back for more even when in words we say we reject it. When we continue to engage, we’re still feeding it.

The thing is, I think many people get caught up in the religious aspects of ‘forgiveness‘ and think somehow that they get to play high and mighty and absolve someone else for their sins…that’s not our work on this plane…our work has to do with our soul and getting it tight for where it needs to be in order to ascend. That’s got nothing to do with any other souls we might connect with, they have their own work to do.

In order to forgive, you have to be able to forgive yourself and you have to understand what you are angry about within yourself that is blocking your ability to forgive. That’s not always easy, sometimes we seek surrogates to project our shit onto…if we can sense they’re fucked up enough they’re easy targets…we can usually scope out those weaker than us and if we’re not where we need to be and sure of ourselves we’ll titrate down for our own ego’s sake. Sure, someone might appear to be a step up but illusions are tricky like that. I don’t mean this in a materialistic way but rather most of us know what our shadows are, and sometimes when we’re not on top of us and our shit it’s easier to coast with someone who makes it easy because challenges are ‘HARD’…growing takes work and society encourages the slacker lifestyle…even when it professes to abhor it…

BUT what I’m talking about goes much deeper than that…

To forgive you have to grab your ego by the ears and drag it into the corner and give it a good firm time out. You have to realize that in some respects while you have choice, you’re not always in control. You have to accept that assholes exist and you have to be honest when you’ve harmed someone. It’s all about unresolved pain…yours and theirs…and MAYBE they will never gain the wisdom and clarity to see it and that is okay because it’s not about controlling the outcomes but controlling the self and the response to it.

As per the dangling carrots, you have to know when they’re authentic and when they’re plastic and know when calling someone’s bluff is warranted – you have to be sure of this because it can’t be about spite but rather stopping the madness.

You can draw a line in the sand and still forgive but you have to be ready willing and able to either shit or get off the pot……CHOICE…it won’t come easy.

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7 thoughts on “Closure on Imaginary Terms…

  1. Love the post! I would someday like to tell my story to get it off my chest. But I’m new to this, and I love reading how I’m not alone.

    • Thank you Crystal for your kind words. I am sorry we have to meet under these conditions but having wrestled with this for some time, it gets better…I promise. Sending you warm vibes of peace, serenity and light as you continue along your journey. I found once I began to let it out (once I had the words) the burden of everything inside began to lift. It’s a process but there is a ton you will learn about yourself in this process.

      Be selective with your life’s teachers and OWN your truth…it is uniquely yours…

      Earlier this week I happened upon a status shared by Danielle Laporte, and they resonated with me so I shall share them with you and perhaps you too may find them useful at some point…

      Ms. Laporte shared:

      “Actually, you’re the guru. Notes on resonance and respect.

      If what I say resonates with you, it is merely because we are both branches of the same tree.
      – WB Yeats

      The motivational speaker gives you the a-ha you’ve been craving for years. Relief! The guru delivers the answer. Ommm Shanti!
      You read the answer you need in a book. It splits your mind open! Insight! Your shrink helps part the seas of your confusion. What would I do without you?! They gave you the process that made all the difference. Sooo smart!

      But…

      Your breakthroughs have more to do with your own power than that of the expert or guru.

      Outside sources can be soul-resources — we’re all in this together. But it’s not that THEY know something that you don’t. They are merely showing you what you already know.

      It’s all about resonance. Teachers (and they come in all forms) hold up a mirror for you in just the right light, at just the right moment, and you just happen to catch YOUR reflection in it. They are strumming chords that are strung in your heart. You had it, they just tickled it. Your truth collides with their truth and you have an a-ha moment.

      So this means you get to re-frame your learning from,
      “He gave me the answer.” To: “He said something that I knew was true.”
      “She’s so wise.” To: “Her wisdom resonated with me.”
      “They are the authorities.” To: “This really fits with my own strengths.”

      This way, you fully respect your teachers. Deep bow.
      And you respect your innate wisdom. Ever unfolding.

      You had the ears to hear it.
      You were there at the right time.
      You were ready to resonate.
      -END

      What I learned on this journey is that the answers were inside all along…I am confident you will find your truth Crystal. Be blessed along the journey and may warrior angels walk beside you…

  2. Wow. I couldn’t have come up with a better explanation on these topics you covered! And, I couldn’t help but laugh at some of the imagery…”Draino enema”, “cat covering up a turd”…LOL! Thanks for stopping by because your blog is awesome!

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