♫Falalala La La La LA♫

It’s that time of year again…

Dashing through the snow,
In an one-horse open sleigh,
O’er the narcissists we go,
Laughing all the way.

Jingle Bells
from the Christmas Song Generator.

Get your own song :

Ah, Christmas…the season ’tis upon us…

I have no sage words of advice to get you through, but I too at times have had the Christmas blah’s…they too SHALL pass.  What I do have is my personal experience through the stages and the knowledge that depending upon what you do with the experience, you can and will get to a place where THEY become mascots of many opportunities for humor.  Won’t happen in the beginning or the middle but in the end…oh hell yea once you’re far away you get a real clear view just who IS the superior one in the scenario…I SWEAR you do! I promise you that!

Now, I realize it is not humanly possible for me to address every single nuance and still maintain continuity so I will preface whatever I’m saying with – this ‘thing’ does not discriminate but since I’m a woman I’m gonna be talking about the male gender, but gentlemen out there who have been ‘HAD’ please do feel free to amend and adjust what I’m gonna lay out here to your liking…

Secondly, what I have to say may not apply to all circumstances…for example I might be talking about some busted up has been he ran off with whereas you might feel that ‘SHE’ has taken off with some Hot to Trot up and coming CEO of some Multimillion Dollar Corporation…overall it doesn’t matter…if they both have been scheming it’s in the math…it’s MATH I dare say…and of course part universal law…Everybody gets a turn…

So, first I’d like to address those most vulnerable tonight…the newbies.  I think it is safe to assume this year, Christmas is in the shitter for you…and that just is what it is.  He took off, left you in tatters, you feel robbed, used, abused, discarded and  your self esteem is in the toilet.  I remember those days…when he was off in Lala Land with the new ‘hottie’ he later fooled into making his wife (unless she proposed to HIM, quite possible who knows?)…anyhow, of course there was no fixing the relationship and that is because there wasn’t one to begin with…and that was supposed to leave me broken for life, dying for his love which never came and couldn’t ever because…well…he couldn’t love…

BUT…I was supposed to sit here the rest of my life wondering…WHY?  What is SO WRONG with me?  WHY couldn’t he love ME? OH HEAVEN’S TO MERCY WHY? What does she have that I don’t have? Why is she so special?  Why aren’t I?…OH WHY, WHY, WHY?…and of course I was supposed to fall under the delusion that they were ‘Happy’ and that I was ‘Flawed’ ‘Unlovable’ just a ball of shit at the bottom of his shoes…and I was supposed to register his new-found love, happiness and Pre-connubial bliss that was obtained probably within hours of our last ‘love making‘ session further proof that I was ‘unworthy’…Har-Har (snort, snort)…and when she delivered the newsflash, in a totally “selfless” (translation: INSECURE) attempt to spare me further pain and distress that “HE USED ME” (enter dramatic mood music) Well…I don’t know what I was supposed to do.   By that point I found her just AS comical…truly.  It was like out of a really well below B level blaxploitation film with themes of slavery and you got the “House slave vs. the Field slave” scratching and biting each other, both just as fucked up if you wanna look at their lot in life, but yet somehow the house slave got their ass up on their shoulders cause the slave owner allows them the privilege of being raped by him from time to time in between licking the shit off his shoes.  Yea…it was like that and at the time it wasn’t funny but then she married him.  That was what got my ass rolling on the floor.

Now, I don’t dare second guess the unyielding, earth shattering, passionate, lust filled, all-consuming, soul sucking, suck you dry, peddle your blood on the streets for a buck fifty kind of love they have for each other…I don’t, in fact I believe that’s just the kind of ‘groovy kind of love’ they have for eachother, it just wasn’t good enough for me…but at the time…it was indeed quite the trippy trip.

Then I got to the middle of things…

And I got real spiritual, in a “LORD STRIKE HIM DEAD” kind of way.  The professionals might call it righteous indignation but that is why I shied away from the professionals.  The Lord knew wasn’t a damn thing they could do with me in this phase, it just had to play out.  Christmas rolled around and while I spent it emaciated in my bathrobe and slippers, dishes piled up in the sink and the smell of cat piss to high heaven I sat here dreaming up scenarios of how happy they were while I was left abandoned, alone, with no one but the one lone spider in the corner of the bedroom wall to keep me company.  AND I felt such sorrow, and emptiness, and loneliness because the dream I had was shattered…that’s what I thought…BACK THEN.

Until yea, at some point we connected intermittently, because well…there was no closure, and the lack of closure fucks with your head and gets you to imagine all kinds of things…like for example…is it possible everything I have learned and read might not be true?…You begin to wonder looking at how pathetic you are viewing yourself that perhaps it’s YOU and he/she was right for leaving…UNTIL…

They run out of things to break you down with…the things they used on you all along that you took because you didn’t understand disorder and so you figured they might not be good at expressing themselves…you rationalize…”He/She didn’t REALLY mean what they just said, they meant“…(then you fill in the blanks for them)…because when normal people hear insane things the mind just has this natural ability to filter it in a way that makes logical sense…except there are some things you hear which would require supernatural powers in order to decode which most of us don’t have…

I have to openly admit my mind FAILED when it came to:  “One of your eyes is bigger than the other” (True story)…I mean WTF do you do with that?…

I wanted to say:  “Thank you” but instead found the only way to truly validate him and his ego was to admit my God-given other SHORT coming:  “Yes! and one of my tits is bigger than the other too!”  I hope you can see where I’m going with this…the only thing I regret is not flashing them.

The middle of this process is equally quite a bitch.  The only way around it is through it that is for sure.

But I guess I’m supposed to come up with some kind of eloquent thought-provoking Christmas message to make the Yuletide season bright…and then close with how happy life is at the end…and paint a literary picture with choirs of angels and confetti…

Nah…in the end you just get to own yourself…

In between snickering about how ‘everybody gets a turn’…but not really giving a shit either way exactly when that will happen…but you do know the longer it plays out the worse off it will be for the victim…

AND if you’ve really been given grace…you check yourself when tempted to snicker because you remember just what it was like for you when you sat in that seat…

AND other than that, you don’t give it much thought…

Because you don’t care…

Because you’re thankful…

You don’t have to cook them one more meal,

You don’t have to scrub one more shit stain out their drawers,

You don’t have to smell one more fart out of them,

You don’t have to laugh at their jokes which totally lack a punchline,

You don’t have to cater to their ego and play it small so they can feel big,

You don’t have to listen to them,

You don’t have to be concerned with their needs (which are endless)

You don’t have to pretend you are happy (because truly you never were it was all an illusion YOU created)

You don’t have to do a damn thing for them, you only have to do you, love you, and totally claim the right to self-indulgence…

UNTIL you feel ready and healthy enough

To love again…

This Christmas, don’t stress it if you’re not in a good place…but please do not imagine somehow he got away and is living large…and don’t think the other one is so much better off…

Seriously…think long and hard…

Did they EVER deserve you?

Just be…

Get whatever makes your toes twinkle, glass of wine, two gallons of ice-cream, a day at the spa, whatever it takes to make you feel pampered…you’ve been deprived long enough…DECIDE this time it’s gonna be all about you and don’t even worry if it feels vulgar…Just do it and do it as big as you can…

Merry Christmas…

Happy Holidays…

Whatever is your thing…

Stay blessed.

Hugs!

Advertisements

13 thoughts on “♫Falalala La La La LA♫

    • Thank you Lynette, sorry I’m getting back so late on this, I hope you too had a lovely holiday and that 2015 brings you everything your heart desires…this has got to be the year. 😉

  1. It was always horrible to be with him in my country. He was always complained about everything. About my country, about my culture, about my family, about my friends, about the gifts he received, about the food we had, about everything. And I was always happy to be here. But he makes me crazy and stressful. Now I know that I’m very luck not to be with him anymore.

  2. Thank you very much for your thoughts. It’s very important to share our experiences. My last Christmas (2012) I was in shock. My N husband was still living at home but I was alone after I discovered that he was totally crazy and he always treated me with disrespect. In those times I didn’t know nothing about his problem, and I couldn’t thing about nothing. Just cry and try to survive, maintaining my sanity far way from my country, my real friends and my family. I’m still fighting to my rights in a litigant divorce. But this year I had the best Christmas I hadn’t had in many years. I was very happy when I went to my bed. Just the next day I realize why. I didn’t have him to complain about everything that I didn’t have control.

    • Lucia, thank you for sharing, I am so very sorry you had to go through the experience, but I wish you all the best moving forward and may this Christmas be just the first of a lifetime of many more happy ones to come…

  3. Although I’m reading this a day late, your post still holds comforting words, despite no longer being a newbie. This post I believe will be (and will have been) rather comforting for those whose experience is still so raw.

    I do still think about him but I’m reaching the end and finally getting to indifferent. Still a little ways to go on that but I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

    Great post. It was spooky how I could have just about written it myself.

    • Thank you for your kind words Safirefalcon. I’m really happy to hear you are almost there. Sending warm vibes your way…May 2014 be a wonderful year for you…and EVERY year thereafter…

  4. Thank you very much 😀

    I completely agree, life is about having experiences and learning from them. Some experiences are wonderful, some are horrible and some are somewhere on the sliding scale between the two. I tend to learn better, as in the knowledge sinks into my thick skull, from bad experiences than good ones, I get lazy when things are good, so I guess my life created a curriculum just for me.

    Pain is a good motivator.

    Not sure why we need this knowledge, thus why we have the experiences we do, as in what’s the purpose of it all, but in the here and now I think it is about sharing as you do what you’ve experienced and how you are dealing with it and inspiring with your strength. And you are very spot on about letting the rage out because keeping it in keeps us trapped in the pain.

    The power in your words, how you express yourself, is energising and empowering. You are a force to be reckoned with! You’ve taken the hell you went through and turned it into golden honey. Beautiful!

    • Thank you so very much for that…I remember when I thought the pain would never end…I remember literally having to brainwash myself…”This time next year it can’t possibly feel this bad”…thank you so very much…

  5. Reblogged this on Ladywithatruck's Blog and commented:
    I have been trying to come up with something profound to say to every one to give them hope because it is such a shitty time of year if your heart just got stomped on by a narcissist. Then I read Betty’s post and ….well ………. she said it so well I thought I would repost it.
    Thanks Betty, wishing you a Merry Christmas and only the best in 2014. Hugs Carrie

    • Thank you so much for your kind words Carrie…wishing you and yours a very Happy Holiday and may 2014 bring all your heart’s desires to fruition. Thank you for the share! xoxo
      Betty

  6. Love your fighting spirit! Beautiful! Keep roaring, it’s the path to freedom because it scares the beejeebers out of them!

    I’ve never had a ‘romantic’ or sexual relationship with a Narcissist, but I’ve had pretty much every other kind of relationship with them. And unfortunately I know how they think because my NPD parents shared their ‘secrets’ with me, how very generous of them 😉 so your advice is spot on.

    Female Narcs are slightly different from male ones, but not by much. I think female ones get away with it a bit more, undetected for longer, because of gender bias.

    Ever heard the song – King of Anything by Sara Bareilles. Kind of sums it up.

    Merry Narc-free X-mas! Enjoy the silence… Ahhh!

    • Thank you for the Holiday Wishes and kind words, indeed the silence is golden! Wishing you a lovely holiday as well, I really really love your blog! I’m so very sorry that you have gone through the experience you did I truly can’t imagine a lifetime growing up with a narcissist. I really can’t…I remember at times laying down maybe mid way and wondering “How the Fuck do people do this shit for forty years?” (I had no idea during that time of course, just something a ‘little off)… so I really admire your strength I know it had to be very difficult. Your coverage is exceptional, I spent some time on your blog last night, it’s clear you know this, I just wish your knowledge didn’t come the way it did, then again, in some shape or form, we only get this knowledge by ‘experience’. Wishing you a very peaceful path as you continue to travel. Thank you so much for the work you do. You speak TRUTH…Hugs.

      ps. Yes, King of Anything…I have heard it…seems she might be a member of our club.

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s