Once Upon a Time…

This won’t be a long drawn out diatribe but there are some who have reached out and they’ve expressed a bit of frustration with how long it’s taking to finally get over the walking disasters.

There is no real-time frame for healing, I’m not sure if there is a ‘normal’ time-frame…so to speak…we tend to be so consumed with “TIME”…not just in the sense of a recovery process but in general…everything revolves around time…as if somehow “MAN” can control time and process…pfft!

Anyhoo…

I thought I’d share a story…it’s a true story, I can vouch for it…and maybe it will put some things in perspective…because I don’t care how great things may look to you from the outside looking in…if they’re really narcissists…it ain’t all it’s “made up to look to be” (oh dear Gawd was that ever quite the butchering of the English Language) – I digress I think you get the jest.

I was asked the other day after sharing I might have different views on the whole experience…(and of course this is my personal perspective) what do I see differently, and there are a few things I view with a different lens, but one of the things I’ve concluded – (and I’ve read others share a similar sentiment)…in most cases Narcissists for all the shit they dump are not stupid…they know two things:  When the jig is up and who not to fuck with.  These two things in combination will find them jetting faster than the speed of light.

As I reflect, I am realizing that while my words said “We have a problem, we need to fix it” when I saw no action on his part, while I had ‘hope’ slowly I began to shut down, and fell into a depression.  Of course there were other factors involved but this was someone who just could not get out of the vortex of crisis after crisis and it was wearing me down.  It is one thing to “Stand by your man” it’s quite another to feel you are the parent to a 10-year-old.  “Independence” is nice but this was extreme, except when his ass was in a sling, and it’s not unreasonable to expect someone you are in companionship with will also serve as a crutch when you are in need – but as we know, the minute that happens….They’re gone!

And the rest has been played out in countless blogs, books, you tube videos, podcasts, support forums, so on and so forth…

I looked back and I realized that perhaps the Narc did not leave me…I packed my bags long before he did, the rest was just going through the motions. I had enough. Rather than kicking him to the curb however, for some reason I felt sorry for him, and even though I did try to work things out, he was not willing and we know why he was not willing – because like his new “Muse” or should I say “Feeding Source” shared…”He Used Me”  (excuse me, I have some ‘fainting’ to do)…

Some of you have shared similar stories, tales of the new gal or guy approaching you (more than likely due to some insecurity issues they’re hoping you’ll validate – go figure)…

Just this evening I was talking with a friend who had a similar situation and they shared that the OW actually said:  “I’m willing to share”…and they were serious.

Does this give you a clear picture of what you were dealing with?…

Do you really miss this level of depravity?…

If you’re new to this, you might not see clearly exactly what you ESCAPED but I’m here to tell you he/she did you a great favor stepping out on  you…

AND we don’t even have to view them as horrible people, just disturbed.

Now I can’t really add much more to this whole Narc Raiding thing because that time has pretty much come and gone, I cried my tears, I spent quality time with the dust bunnies on the floor, I’ve dealt with the non-verbal protests of my cats, I’ve done it all and more and today I’m standing tall, proud and thankful…

But some of you might still have doubts, so I’m going to share just one more little story that might validate that maybe not now, maybe not tomorrow, next week, next year…might take a few decades…but the shit one does…good or bad…it comes back…and it comes back better than anything any of us could design on our own…I like to call it ‘divine’ justice…

There were once two lovers who were very much in love until…

They weren’t…anymore…

The Male lover wasn’t ‘caught’ cheating directly…at first, but very soon thereafter ended up shacked up with another woman.

One day, the discarded female lover knocked on her lovers new apartment door and she could hear talking and then what turned to whispers on the other side of the door, the voice of her lover on the other side of that door with another woman.

She knocked and knocked and he ignored her knocking, left her out there in the cold after years in a relationship…he did not even give her the courtesy of facing her.  She walked away from the door, sat on a step and cried her eyes out, then she wiped her tears, got in a cab and went home and maybe downed a fifth of Vodka to numb the pain.

This isn’t the end of the story…when you’re with a narcissist just because they leave doesn’t mean it’s the end…it just means they left…

Years went by, this woman carried on with her life, but deep inside, because there was no closure there was still a bit of a flame inside, but not necessarily a flame of love, passion or yearning, this was more the flame that burns when one is not given closure or treated honorably in the face of severed ties.  It was the flame of a slow torture, and one she could not understand because back then words like Narcissism were not as popular as they are today.  He never physically beat her, so what reference point would she have that she was in fact a victim of domestic violence?  He never overtly verbally abused her either, his weapon of choice was passive aggression and intermittent reinforcement…eventually she too went a little nuts, just like the ex before her who eventually committed suicide.

Years passed, she grew stronger but she never fell in love again, she never allowed herself to, instead she retreated and learned to love and nurture her own garden…

Decades would pass before she ever heard from him again.

Eventually he married the other woman on the other side of the door.  From all accounts they were “Happy.”  They were “Happy” for twenty years, until they weren’t…”Happy” anymore…

Twenty years of happy turned to unhappy however, entitled her to half his pension…and half of everything else they acquired during the marriage…I even heard they fought over ownership of the knife when it came time to split the dog in half…luckily some good soul intervened in time and the dog was spared, allegedly he found a new home and he’s done well for himself…the dog that is…

His little girl, born from that whirlwind romance which soon thereafter turned into a “happy” marriage (cough, cough, choke choke) – who is now a big girl in college isn’t very fond of him, but is very fond of the Judge who ordered him to pay for her education…

You might think the final nail in his coffin is the fact he should be retired today enjoying life given his age, but instead must work to meet his ‘legal’ obligations…but that’s just par for the course…sadly many must work past retirement to make the bills so while it’s unfortunate, not everyone who deals with this type of fate is paying off a karmic debt…

I tend to think the real karmic debt that this once “Dapper Don” today is paying is the very visual lugging around of close to 400 pounds, missing teeth and and a head that not by choice is very visibly bald…

While everyone else whose path he’s crossed and of course double crossed is living happily ever after.

#THE END.

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6 thoughts on “Once Upon a Time…

  1. “I cried my tears, I spent quality time with the dust bunnies on the floor, I’ve dealt with the non-verbal protests of my cats, I’ve done it all and more and today I’m standing tall, proud and thankful…”

    A very raw visual of the pain and triumph. Awesome post.

  2. Betty, I think you are right; that the victim often hurts so badly and for so long because they have no closure and the N so often is immediately involved with another woman and appears to be a totally changed man and living the good life. And the other woman is living the life they should have had.

    What they fail to realize is; the N’s whole life is a facade. None of it is real, and his main goal and source of entertainment is causing pain in others. He is not going to let his ex see he hasn’t changed and the new woman is doing the same damage control and on the same emotional roller coaster she was. The N sets the wheels in motion and lets everyone else do the dirty work. He sits back, patting himself on the back and snickering in awe of his ability to orchestra everyone to do his dirty work. Fools, he is so superior. His new woman loves rubbing the ex’s nose in how great the relationship is with her. The ex acts obsessed and torn apart solidifying to the new woman that she must have a real prize if the other woman is so broken up. He uses his ex being a psycho bitch as an excuse to treat the new woman badly and the new woman is so understanding because she doesn’t want to be like his ex and drive him crazy. She is calm and rational after all. So she thinks she can prove her love for him and eventually he will have an epiphany and love her for it. And all along the N is soaking up all the chaos stirring the pot occasionally for a fresh shot of Ns until it all gets boring and he throws another woman is(or man) into the mix.

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