Recovery from NPD Abuse…a Journey with Many Options

Few words on this blog post, except to say that even early on something gnawed at me while incessantly googling, venting, purging, and reading blogs and forums on Narcissists, and Psychopaths and Socipaths and others on “The Spectrum”

I know enough to know that most if not all on the spectrum would have a hearty belly laugh at what I am about to lay out on the table.

It takes time but there is choice.

I’ve seen many for years now…at least three years, and some who started on this journey before me continue to cling to how despicable a (Name your Axis II Cluster B disorder) is.

What is hardest to remember is that the one thing they don’t own is our choice.

I’m not big on rainbows, butterflies, magical thinking or even some of that New Agey stuff…

I’m not talking of Kumbaya moments either but today something stirs up in me when a victim or a survivor tries to manipulate my point of view by ‘reminding me’ about everything I “must not forget”…or, what I should “remember.”

I’ve grown tired of remembering.  Why should I remember?  Why would anyone want to remember?

I’ve learned to trust myself…

What you do, how you do it, is up to you.

Maybe you need to be angry for a long time – and that’s cool…I won’t try to sway you…

Maybe you do need rainbows and butterflies or some new spiritual angle…

Whatever’s clever…

For me, in layman’s terms I think some of this is learning how to deprogram then begin to fuck with your own head in order to re-work the canvas…

Something along what I am about to share below is really what worked for me.  There is no rhyme or reason or proof that there is anything to it…but sometimes we choose certain paths because it seems the only way to get away from something that is much more overwhelming to the spirit.  Some things just are…and we choose to accept it or we don’t.

That is not to minimize suffering or invalidate an experience…I accept and agree “Life is Suffering” but we have a choice in terms of how we approach the suffering.  So, even if it’s totally bonkers…for me there was no other choice, the alternative was to remain stuck and destroyed…

I get it’s not for everyone…

As always, take what applies and leave the rest…

Even Psychopaths Need Love

I appreciate choice…it is where my power lies…

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8 thoughts on “Recovery from NPD Abuse…a Journey with Many Options

  1. bettylaluna…..thank you for this post…. It has been 30 yrs for me to come to grips with being gutted and steam rolled by the unhealthy person I was married to for 25 yrs. I am still alone, as I believe I would be impossible to live with. My birth name is Linda, and after 25 yrs he found himself another Lynda. I raised 4 children with this man, and then be replaced…I still feel invisible…as if nothing I contributed was recognized, even though I know these people are incapable of empathy. I dream of him in some regard damned near every night and wake in the morning with the awful feelings of betrayal that Just wont go away…. reading your emails helps somewhat. I don’t understand why the evil one is the one who gets all the attention.. something in the mental health field would be wonderful for the victims.. who can’t go on and sucker someone else, and are not willing to betray someone else with hidden agendas. Thanks for this forum

    • Linda,
      25 years is a long time and I can totally understand the process of healing will definitely take time, I am so very sorry you had to go through this experience. It is a betrayal at the very core of our being and a wound that will take some tending to. I too wish there were more professional outlets to help victims. I started this blog after finding it very difficult to find a professional who ‘got it’. I was not fortunate enough to cross paths with someone who did but something inside me led me to information and slowly things began to click. I have no sage words of advice. I only have the experience and the hindsight. Early on I thought I knew the answers and I was chock full of telling folks what they ought to do, what they need to consider; however, there are so many angles to this whole recovery thing, I find that simply sharing is a form of validation and it’s what most benefit from…I wish you well on your continued journey Linda. The only thing I might add is that right now you may feel impossible to live with and that is probably due to the trauma and the devastation a betrayal on this level brings to us; however, if you haven’t yet – try to learn to embrace those things you feel are ‘negative’ as well…that whole ‘shadow’ thing…because contrary to what society tries to brainwash us with…even those negative feelings have a purpose…they are a part of our processing. Anger is an emotion of defense…it is part of our radar the key is learning how to work with it through the process…finding an outlet for it but not suppressing it. Same with sadness, rage, even ‘depression’ – very natural and normal. Understanding the ‘triggers’ in the aftermath…using them as tools to understand more about ourselves. I’m still very much on the journey Linda I won’t lie…but today it’s about me. Writing helped me tremendously, it helped me process. I’m reading a book: The Write to Right by Julia Cameron…I’m not suggesting you go out there and start a blog…unless that is your calling, but I found writing helped me ‘process’. I used an alias for obvious reasons…and that whole write something down then throw it out didn’t work…I wanted to be heard, I needed to be heard…so if it’s any help…writing helped me…but there are many outlets one can find. I hope you find yours if you haven’t already. Sending you warm vibes of peace, love and light Linda…finally…I hope you have gotten to a place where you have forgiven you. In my journey I found that was at the core of my inability to let go…took a long time to forgive myself.
      Hugs…

      • Thank you so much for your reply, validation, I believe, goes a long way to help the recovery process. I and others are so alone, and often trying to deal with black depression to boot. Time and validation are a combination that helps me move forward.
        Thanks once again

      • Always a pleasure Linda…I hope you feel better soon. Depression can be a challenge, but I suppose normal under the circumstances. I found online support forums helpful, my only advice…use an alias and simply use it to vent…don’t look to make friends, but if the veil gets to be too heavy, aside from the traditional ‘professional mental health’…reach out. Get it out one way or another. We’ve all struggled with the “D” word and this type of experience brings a lot up to the surface sometimes. Even things not directly related and I suppose in some cases, this whole “Narc” thing might have been a subconcious pattern playing out (Repetition Compulsion) although one size does not fit all, I’m sort of disclosing some of my own personal observations about my situation. It took a lot out of me, it takes a lot out of all of us. That in and of itself also helped…knowing I was not alone, and that others made it through, survived and even thrived. It’s kinda like a real long drawn out root canal I presume…although most think me nuts, but I rather have a long drawn out root canal without pain meds than ever go through this again…but I think for many of us, once we process, put the pieces together, let time work it’s magic…yes, the sun comes out again. All the best to you Linda, feel free to reach out anytime…
        ~Betty

  2. Great post, Betty. I agree, there should come a time (after learning, venting, purging) that we need to make the choice to move forward. Honestly, to do anything else is to re-abuse ourselves long after the Narc or disordered person is gone from our life, and at that point, we should seek professional counseling.

    Keeping our focus on “what happened” isn’t going to serve us. Yes, it was horrible, sadistic, painful, and led us to rock bottom. But, it almost always shows us what we need to work on within ourselves, which are the reasons we stayed in the relationship. One of the biggest reasons is low- and unhealthy self-esteem. Anyone with a healthy sense of self would never stay in a relationship where they are abused, even if they think they are in love.

    We have to grieve and process what happened. I get that. But, we can’t stay stuck in it. Living those moments over and over in our head will only keep us 1) depressed and angry, 2) cause us to keep attracting more of the same into our lives because we fail to see our own part in what happened.

    I do happen to believe in the new agey stuff, but even if one doesn’t, unless we heal the parts that attracted the narcissist and kept us with him/her, we are going to keep repeating the same painful patterns in all of our relationships.

    Oh, and thanks for sharing the article. this is where the new agey stuff comes in for me. We may not be able to extend forgiveness and passion directly to the Narc through words or contact (because they won’t be able to appreciate it)…but we can extend compassion for them into the Universe. More and more, I am glad for what happened because I am a different person than I was before. Not fully transformed yet, but getting there…

    • Thank you Kim…you said something that has me here sitting, nodding in agreement…

      “I am glad for what happened because I am a different person than I was before. Not fully transformed yet, but getting there…”

      Exactly.

      My spin is we will forever be in a state of ‘getting there’ because we’re always growing and evolving, but this experience despite it’s very obvious ‘darkness’ was significant…it was the catalyst for change…it’s what we make of it…once we can get our bearings.

      Thank you so much for your thoughtful contributions. Always wishing you the best. BTW, I can’t get into my email. If you’ve sent something I am not ignoring you but rather, have to have the mental clarity to deal with getting back in…technology is great but not kind to those with cognitive challenges…please do not feel I’m ignoring you…I just can’t get into my mailbox! As soon as I can I will let you know…I will need a few days, sometimes when I sense an epic fail on the focus front I put it on the back burner…absurd I know, but there are so many numbers, and symbols, in the best interests in protecting my account I am a bit on the eccentric side…but I’ve done such an exceptional job, I can’t even get into my own ‘ish!…

      Hugs!

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