Still I Rise

May 6, 2010…I remember that night well…very well…and I can speak about that night with no feeling at all, and I am thankful for that.

On May 5th I was very much in love with someone…someone that every night as I drifted off to sleep, even through hard times I thanked God for sending me.  Someone who I believed knew me, understood me and loved me.  I didn’t realize I spent four years in love with myself.

Someone new to this might not get what that means, let me break it down for you.  The dynamics of this kind of relationship has to do with unresolved issues in ourselves. Narcissists mirror us back to ourselves.  We fall in love with our reflection on a subconscious level.  That is why the bond feels so strong. That does not mean we are narcissists but rather they show us to ourselves.  In a way we too are guilty of projection.  It is not intentional but it happens.

The person I thought I was in love with was skilled in charm and reading people to the extent that he could metamorphosize into anything and everything anyone desired.   I don’t care what the DSM calls it or how often the mental health industry plays word salad and revises things to give themselves a little more legitimacy and justification to dole out medication and do a little less work rather than provide effective therapy.  I could care less!  If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, then dammit it’s a Narc! Which is the word we use to describe a person who lacks empathy and remorse, cannot attach and cannot love but will con the shit out of you and keep you on the cliff hanger reaching for that dangling carrot.

Unfortunately, you won’t see how they do this until hindsight.  The nature of how it all unravels is so bizarre, you can’t even rationalize that any person could be so disturbed. That’s because the brain has a protective mechanism and part of that is denial.  When something is too much to bear, when a concept cannot be grasped because there is no logical, rational or intellectual connection to be found, it is called cognitive dissonance.  When experiencing cognitive dissonance the mind struggles to arrive at some conclusion that makes sense.  A victim will rationalize:   “It MUST be me” because what they’re thinking does not add up.  When an abuser is gas lighting you – there is no way you would believe someone who ‘loves’ you could be fucking with your head.  It is especially hard to rationalize when you’re dealing with a physically non violent abuser because they can be so stealth and suave with their machinations.  They also charm the pants off of everyone else, so when you start to get a little twitch or question or even begin to react to the slow stealth campaign of abuse, (even if you don’t know at the moment the cause for what seems to be un provoked insanity), the victim comes off looking like the bad guy.  This gives the narcissist an excuse to do what he does. He ‘mirrors’ and repeats the tale of being a domestic violence victim (which is his mirroring of you after he’s destroyed you) or a ‘victim‘ in some way and begins to suckle off the teet of a new and unsuspecting target who falls for the lies of omission and half truths…sometimes the new victim joins in on all the ‘fun.’

I don’t speak much to friends about this experience, they really won’t get it, my family didn’t get it, and I am certain they presume that I am/was overreacting.  The fact that my groups don’t generate thousands of fans and I don’t really follow the crowd or ‘piggyback’ on the popularity of others more than likely make me look like I am a histrionic to someone who has never been through this type of abuse.  They must ask: Where are all the victims of Narcissists “Betty” speaks of?  Back in December I averaged a reach of 50k a month…that’s not too shabby for a broad with a touch of self diagnosed PTSD…who wasn’t even fully recovered yet although on the cusp of that breakthrough.

I am a small outfit…people I’ve ‘mentored’ and some that have ‘come up the ranks’ with me have gone on to get very big numbers on their sites, and that is not to say I have a ‘direct’ impact on their efforts, but it is to say that it is evidence that peer support works, and it empowers.  I have a different way of dealing with victims, I’m not looking for them to spill their guts out all over Facebook, I’ve learned the hard way how unsafe that is so instead, I post information…if someone wants to ask a question that’s fine but otherwise, I don’t want to have “Jerry Lewis Victim Telethons” all over the net.  That’s my personal thing, different strokes for different folks.  But what is the significance of ‘reach’ anyway?  The significance is that I don’t believe it is so much the need for awareness of NPD.  I think NPD is here and it’s ingrained in our society and our values and folks are AWARE…where we need to get the word out is to the mental health industry that they have to learn how to identify a victim in trauma from this type of abuse and that meds and depression ain’t the label we should be getting if in fact they still hold some commitment to ethics.  Fuck exposing the narcissists, you’re giving them a virtual blow job.  TRAUMA in this type of relationship IS REAL and there are methods for healing that are not even being offered as TOOLS for victims which is why a little FB group like mine could get up to 50k a month clinging to whatever I have to offer on the topic as a lifeline.  That has got to change. I want to see victims able to get professional help.  I enjoy what I do; however, victims safety is at risk online that’s just the cold hard truth…I was in such distress, if I were suicidal I could have killed myself.  I am lucky that wasn’t the case…but how many aren’t so lucky – a death that could have been prevented if a therapist was able to see the signs and identify what is happening…

 

There is a process to healing, I was very disciplined with my recovery, while someone may have been peddling something as a gimmick, I followed it, calibrated it where it needed some tweaking and I’ll put my hands on fire, I’ll never be a victim again – and I am coming away from this not hating men, but I can see when one is full of shit.  It’s very easy to tell now…it’s like a sixth sense…I can see dead people!

 

I was utterly convinced the Narcissist was in danger, his wife an abuser and he a victim…who had nowhere to turn, nowhere to go, and was in need.  And some ‘snarky’ bitch might make a snide remark and try to elevate themselves on my poor judgement…the difference is, the narc had to sit at my dining room table close to a year before the legs got thrown up and the divorce was in the works…for the year he sat at my table it was strictly platonic and so I did not break up a marriage, to the contrary I was trying to help a confessed ex junkie stay off of crack (to hear him tell the story) and even save his marriage.  My mistake was ever giving a shit as he did target me, and it worked, and before I knew it, despite feeling this was a very weak, spineless, hopeless man, somehow I grew to feel very protective of him.  We as women are protectors, we are nurturers, that is our God given intrinsic nature.  We are slammed for this, criticized for this, called a fool for this…and yet a man sticking his dick in every hole he can as often as he can is somehow a sign of prowess…I am missing a memo….

 

To be clear, this was not a craving to rescue someone but it was something I did because I reacted to someone who seemed harmless, lost and in pain…that was the ploy right there, it is the trick and how they get you…and they’re good at what they do…and they play this card before, during and after the relationship and are constantly on the hunt and the prowl for supply.  You could be the whore in the bedroom and the chef in the kitchen, and Lord knows how many sexually deviant things women have shared they’ve done in these relationships, things that really were not like them at all, but somehow, under this spell, mesmerized they did what they would not do under any other circumstances…and they later share how much shame and regret they feel for losing themselves…I still don’t know how this happens…I do know, I’ve been through it, it is rape.  Emotional, physical and mental…to lay down with a fraud who is sucking the life force out of you…believing you are bonded with someone who basically is masturbating…no connection…and no consent.  AIDS can be a reality in these relationships don’t be fooled or let your guard down…

When a Narc marries, it ain’t about love, it’s about fronting and looking normal, there is no woman in the world that will ever satisfy them…people are objects…marriage cements the image…marriage says:  “Someone found me normal.”  They still troll…

 

I remember this day two years ago, and I remember the pain, the tears and the heartache…and I think what ripped me apart most in my soul, he was both my mother and my father, he was that ‘repetition compulsion’ I got a two for one on that deal…and in this journey I looked back and I saw how every man I entertained was unavailable because that is what I knew.

 

Abusers will deny your reality, and they will try to drown out your voice, and they will stop at nothing to silence or destroy you.  Abusers do not have to lay a hand on you but they can do some serious damage…this particular type of abuser is by psychological definition INCURABLE.

 

This journey is no longer about him…May 6, 2010 is significant because it was a pivotal moment in my life where it all came crashing down, and I teeter tottered on the edge of insanity, not over one man, but over 44 years of SHIT I never knew was in there…he was a convenient target for my rage and deserved much of it, I did enjoy my ignorance. Nonetheless, despite how smooth, slick and conniving he and “Bill the Moose” thought they were and every other cover girl and maybe cover boy thought they were…in the words of Maya Angelou:  Still I Rise… and it is my greatest revenge.

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