The Secret to Healing

Standing over the sink this morning I had a revelation. This NPD abuse shit is not that hard to recover from…we make it hard for ourselves. What we need to own is the secret…then we can begin the reconstruction process. Having dealt with this for almost two years now and really studying this and working damn hard I think I figured out…THE SECRET. I am going to make it simple for you, you can read it or not read it.

When we are raised in environments where it is molded into our minds it is our job to be the caretaker – that is what one perceives as their ‘normal.’ Many of us through denial want to separate the issues family is off limits…or we actually convince ourselves our childhoods weren’t so bad. FIRST you have to understand the dynamics of abuse. Abuse is not just getting the shit kicked out of you…yes you could have fallen victim to manipulative parents who made sure you were fed, had shelter, and all the ‘trappings’ of what a ‘normal’ childhood would entail, but there would also be a price to pay for that. You didn’t just deserve it, you owed something for it and the fact that you didn’t ask to be here is not part of the equation. You were born into slavery you just didn’t have a name for it.

Abusers will deny this reality. They will deny anything, they will rewrite history, rewrite the scripts, paint an entirely different canvas and this will leave you scratching your head wondering if you’re crazy…you’re not. How you handle this is all on you. What the NPD experience does is bring all this shit to light…THE SECRET…

Narcissists are self-centered individuals. They lack empathy and remorse and believe they are entitled to the best of treatment whether they deserve it, or earned it…when you’ve been trained to accept crumbs, getting entangled with these creatures seems normal.

I will share with you – yes, I have communicated BRIEFLY with the Narc. As a result of that conversation, he said something that had more truth than anything that has ever come out of his mouth: “I would say more but you’d bite my head off.” That was the truth. The Narc was the catalyst for change. I don’t like that this experience had to happen, I don’t like that people exist with a self centeredness and lack of empathy to this degree, I don’t like that I was used, manipulated or conned – but since day one I was set up to fall into this kind of trap.

Now that I know the secret, I can change this, I am no longer powerless unless I choose to be. The focus does not need to be on the Narc, it needs to be on me. I can wish him well…because I’ve released him. The work and the healing can only begin with me. AND so, I say to any victim, don’t continue to abuse yourself by living in denial. Don’t get caught up in the ‘histrionics’ of this experience…if you allow it your mind CAN and WILL take you there.

Take the time you need to feel angry, to feel your pain, to feel your despair then get your ass off the pity pot and start digging…you will see the light much sooner than you anticipate if you trust in this secret I just shared with you…

Hugs,
Betty

As per the following…whatever you want to call it…”Releasing” “Letting Go” “Indifference”…relinquishing control, and savoring your freedom…that’s forgiveness, and it’s for the self – between YOU and whatever guides your universe.  It’s got NOTHING to do with anyone else…

8 thoughts on “The Secret to Healing

  1. I would have responded to this post sooner had I realized it was there Betty, I am not the computer genius so I do miss things. I do not know if it is denial or dissociation. Maybe it could even be both. I know I don’t judge others as well as I should (or at least didn’t) . Yes I may dissociate but am not sure. For me I still struggle greatly with the facts. They can be hard to swallow. I felt invisible to my parents. I know, I wasn’t beaten terribly or hungry just unimportant. Today I thought of my grandmother who seemed annoyed by me. Just a burden. Something perhaps my mother is in denial of. She doesn’t agree with me. Don’t get me wrong I think my mother has realized that she made mistakes but I am not sure if she has taken any ownership. Maybe she’s still in denial. What I do know is that during my 20’s I tried to find validation from my parents and my mother didn’t seem to remember anything the way I did, which only made me angry and to create more doubt within me and eventually I shut up. Same with my dad. He can just be cruel with his words. Learned to shut up. During my 30’s I felt abandoned by God. (I am not a church person but had a fundamental belief) Actually I have always felt abandoned. That I am a burden to those I love. That’s my core. And I have always made excuses for that abandonment. Go figure I would end up with men who treated me the same way. And what I process now is how I create my life based on those feelings, that core. That’s where I need to change so that I can have the life I want and desire. I’ll get there.

    • Everything you shared resonated with me Tina. I am in the midst of a flurry of activity right now but promise I will share some of my ‘stuff’ as well…you articulated exceptionally well what some of us including myself struggle with. I think the mere fact of what you shared ‘registering’ is more than half the battle, the rest is sorting through it…I don’t have ‘answers’ we each kinda journey along, but so much of what you said Tina is so very spot on, and you are not alone in feeling the way you do and viewing things the way you do, nor do I think it’s a distorted view…in fact it’s a very real one and society as a whole is addicted to ‘covering’ things up and hiding them like cats do with…(you know where I’m going with it)…<3 Hugs to you and I'll be back on later I thank you so much for sharing this…I am very confident many who read this will also relate. I certainly did…

    • Following up on my promise Tina…as I mentioned below a lot of what you shared, your insights resonated with me. It is difficult weeding through all the ‘baggage’ but I totally get where you are coming from. Each of us have different ways of dealing with this, I don’t know all of your story/history and even if I did, having gone through this I am working on trying to find the balance between giving advice vs. offering insight because the ‘advice’ part could be considered ‘pushy’ and that is so what I don’t want to be…so here goes…I stand by the repetition compulsion theory over codependence and I think the relationships we may have found ourselves in (keeping in mind I’m speaking aloud about myself but feel better with company…lol) are manefestations of unresolved issues…ie, abandonment and elements of abuse whatever the level we experienced. I am not so sure if the drive as some say comes from wanting or subconsciously seeking a situation that would allow us to attempt to play it out again for the purposes of ‘victory’ OR if it has more to do with us simply missing the red flags they speak of BECAUSE due to our conditioning nothing screamed WARNING!!! DANGER!!!…I remember very clearly meeting this man and we spent a lot of time in the getting to know you stage this wasn’t a rushed thing from my perspective although it is clear in hindsight he did have a goal and a mission in mind, one I was blind to until the “HINDSIGHT” nonetheless I remember clearly saying to myself…he’s like Mommie, Daddy and even an abusive boss, there were facial gestures that reminded me of an old boss that was an SOB! What did I do with that information? I said “I can handle this…it’s okay, it’s a lil off but nothing I can’t deal with” then went on to convince myself that I could ‘work’ with this…like someone works with clay. That was MY mistake…Oprah once said something don’t remember where or when that sometimes we fall in love with ‘potential’ and that is where I think I erred. Today I don’t beat myself up over the mistake, but when in the midst of it, I remember going back asking “How did I get here?” Many talk about going back and doing all this deep work and to a certain extent it is helpful, but for me, after a certain point it became almost an exercise in futility as you can kinda get stuck on the obsessional with it going over it which leads to a lot of rumination. Rumination is a part of this process but I think most of us do well to find the balance and at a certain point draw the line. We could really spend the rest of our lives dissecting this but I think it would be never ending because the fact is, it is past and we can’t change it, we can only find some way to achieve ‘closure’ or ‘peace’ with it. For me, I saw clearly how my childhood set me up for this, and I spent a time marinating in piss and vinegar and very ANGRY that I was ‘setup’ this way…I began to make certain connections and also saw how so much of it was wrong and I got very indignant (rightfully so) with anyone and everyone still living who ‘wronged’ me….LOL. My mother and I had many a battle, and I found myself many times wanting to ‘shield her’ from my anger, I never wanted to hurt her, even with the things she’s done, and she’d do things then come back and say ‘sorry’ but I could not let some of the things go and it took time. Where I am fortunate however, is that I know on some level whether I have charged her directly and she’s stood on that cross and admitted guilt…whether she said it verbally, the BEST way she knows HOW she has shown attempts at amends. I won’t paint a rosy happy ever after it’s not…but it’s not BAD either. Kelli from The Ability to Love whose blog I will share under this because I don’t know if I can link here has had experience with what she describes and shares as a completely pathological relationship with her parents and we have gone back and forth over this as when we were both midway in our process we were still very hot headed and sorting through things and her position was totally detach…DIVORCE them, and I had a challenge with that – the thing is, we had different and distinct details and so one size did not fit all. We were talking recently comparing notes and we realized the significance of both points of view. For both of us the distinction being can the person make amends, connect and SEE and be accountable for the harm done, and what defines doing that? Does the behavior continue or is there evidence that there may be slip ups but the individual is trying? Depending upon your mother’s history Tina, she may not be able to be accountable the way you need her to be, she may not be able to see it. Not every abuser is on the spectrum, but depending upon what you know of her history, you may be able after some time of feeling what you need to feel and ‘mourning’ the lost childhood be able to look at it from the position of understanding that while it sucked bigtime, in some respects she may have been ‘ignorant’ did not know better or was ill equipped for whatever reason to be the parent you needed her to be. If we are not talking about a parent who is purely psychopathic or sociopathic it might be possible to connect to where they came from that caused them to behave the way they did. If in your walk you find that your mother is on the spectrum, then for the best interests of self care it may be necessary to detach completely only because you will have to fight for your own well being and sanity; however, if you find it’s a matter of major league dysfunction if you can get to a place of accepting who she is as a result of her history, then it might be possible with boundaries to maintain the relationship without too much resentment. At this stage of the game habits and behaviors are pretty much embedded, it comes down to what we are willing to accept. In my case, I learned ‘boundaries’ and I remember her scoffing at the word…LOL I used the word in one of our mother daughter scuffles and she said something like WTF!? I did confront the best way I knew how, but the thing is, in my situation she has always admitted or did her best to be accountable even though at times she’d do that and STILL do things that were offensive…I love her, and she loves me I know that and don’t question it but also accept there’s gonna be some dysfunction…a little more than the average bean. The difference now is that when I see it coming I can clearly see when it’s her SHIT, when it is legitimate and I’ve done something (because I’m not perfect) and when it’s something off the wall and needs to be blown off. When it comes to the surface I decide which of these situations apply, WHETHER or not I can deal with it in a manner that will provide some kind of resolution, or if I have to deflect it and let her know: “Hey, this is your shit, get it together and call me back when you’re grounded.” We talked today about it some, it was a good talk and she said: “You’re growing up” and that might for some seem like a way of infantilizing…I’m 45 what do you mean I’m growing up? But in some respects, it is the truth, I am seeing things now with the eyes of an adult, capable of drawing the line, establishing boundaries, demanding respect and not kow towing to ‘authority’…see, in some cases they molded us to ‘respect’ authority whether the authority was normal or not, and so I found for me, she could commit the most heinous of crimes and still because she’s “MOTHER” I accepted it and “did not talk back”…the fact is – respect is earned, and it takes respect to give respect, doesn’t matter WHO it is. AND so, maybe the key Tina, isn’t so much to sit there and wait for the moment of accountability by those who wronged you but rather accepting that you are deserving of respect and that if someone (anyone) cannot do that, then you have the power to disengage temporarily or permanently. The distinction being whether or not the individual can register the reasons behind your decision and feeling a ‘calling’ to remedy whatever wrong they’ve committed. The other aspect of this however, is also getting to a place where their current behavior even though triggering and an reminder, is not thrown back in their face, we consciously try to keep our reactions to the here and now. I find today when my mother starts with her lil routine, I nip it right there in the bud…STOP! “I’m sorry, I’m not engaging in this gotta go and I’m hanging up now”…and the difference today is when I hang up the phone it’s not festering inside driving me crazy – in the past it would linger because somehow I was ‘obsessed’ with trying to make it right, to be perfect, to gain acceptance, to get her approval, all that stuff…today I accept ME, I am okay with having flaws, and I DEMAND respect. That for me is the bare minimum. It took me a long time to get there Tina, but the bottom line for me was connecting to some of the reasons why she behaved the way she did, and while I would not make myself responsible for patching her up, because she has a responsibility to herself to do that, I made clear what some of the issues were then stood back and observed. My observations show for example she would require the same depth of education we had walking this walk, and I was not open to being her coach. Her defenses are VERY high and that is something she’d have to find her way on…BUT perfect example, when she saw me lying on a heap on the floor, while she could not find it in herself to sit here and nurse me and make me soup, and pat my head, and do all these lovey dovey things…when she FEARED for me, and my well being given the devastation this brings, she cut a check to buy me a car and paid for a vacation…so while she wasn’t able to do the things the way I wanted them, or the way I needed them…the best way she knows how she did…it’s not a black and white issue Tina, at least for me. I would say however, if we were talking psychopathic parents, then it very well would be…I’m afraid to speak in absolutes about something I have not experienced; however if you feel it is a psychopathic parent kind of thing, then by all means, maybe Kelli’s blog will provide some additional food for thought. Her link is below. All the best to you and I hope to hear from you soon…be blessed ❤

  2. My knight “in shining tin foil”…That the best I have heard so far. LOL. I am focusing on behavior and then ask myself “Who does That?” A psychopath of course. And then I am outta there. They exist. The light is on but no one is home. Bat shit crazy. And dangerous. The sun will go up and the sun will go down. No contact no matter what. Stay safe. This too shall pass.

  3. Funny feeling receiving crumbs… That’s the exact word I used in my last two relationships. I would complain, “All I get are these crumbs” (emotional crumbs) I felt degraded and angry. But in spite of that I was still willing to take it. I guess my theory was: Some crumbs are better than No crumbs. Bummer I am very , very good at being alone. So I wasn’t motivated only by the fear of being alone, although it was very important for me. I was in denial and I still fall into it’s dreamy fog. It’s easy for me to be in denial. It is my natural state and go to for everything. A huge part of my personality even as a child. Denial became my safety net. Not because my parents were such horrible people but because I felt so powerless and like I was a participant in their lives, following along behind them like a puppy. My relationships echo this dynamic. Me wanting so badly to belong and to be accepted but not ever really getting to be a part of the inner circle. I have serious trust issues now and question people’s motives so much more than I once did.

    • Tina, Thank you so much for sharing. Without trying to pry too much, I note you use the term denial but wondering if you know for certain is it denial or dissociation? They’re a little bit different. You used the description ‘dreamy fog’ and that is what sparked my interest. Of course I’m not a therapist but it’s clear that you are really in tune with the ‘patterns’ and the reasons behind the ‘why’…sometimes some people cannot identify the ‘why’. Given that you can I am not sure if ‘denial’ is the word vs. dissociation. If after reading up on it some (if you are not familiar with that term) perhaps being able to identify whether that applies or not may help you tap into areas that might help you further overcome that? I know for me, very similar to you I can’t say my childhood issues were as bad as some other people experienced but there were a few ‘themes’ in there and I noticed that I developed a pattern of ‘freezing’ at the site of confrontation it is a whole convoluted story too long to explain here it would probably have to be broken up in chunks but I feel better now so it would not be a purging kind of thing, but more and more I found when I hit a ‘trigger’ (which I did not know was a trigger) I’d get this freeze response. Dissociation can involve a few things I think I had a touch of it for a time…again, you know better than I but offered the term if only to maybe help with some insights if in fact you find that it applies…<3

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