Steering Clear of Toxic Relationships

Narcissists have a way of playing the pity card better than anyone. But, if you are aware, there are some clues READ:  RED FLAGS that you can use as an indicator that perhaps your Romeo may one day leave you bleeding.

1. The old adage: “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree” OWN IT! If there is dysfunction in the narc’s immediate family, more than likely there is dysfunction within the narc. I heard a story once where a little boy was brought up by a pack of wolves…it was later made into a wonderful film “Jungle Book” created by the genius of spin Walt Disney – master of fairy tales. This is the same dude who brainwashed us on other classics like Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty and Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. If he were still alive, I believe I’d have cause to bring him up on charges for crimes against female humanity. While miracles do exist from time to time, the reality is that if an individual is brought up in sickness, abuse and chaos, that is “normal” to them, those are the values they internalize. While many of us have issues, there is the normal “dysfunction” then there is the real dark disordered dysfunction and you need to pay careful attention to the cues, the body language and the discussions that are had early on and scope out what the deal is before you fall in too deep. Remember, when you marry, you’re not only marrying your intended but his whole family, warts and all. Your children will also share in that gene pool. Tread carefully.

2. If your “Romeo” has labeled everyone psycho and crazy, the only assumption you can make is he made them that way…ask yourself: WHO is the common denominator in all these relationships?

3. If for some reason your new beau, has no contact with his family, don’t assume it’s because he’s decided to cut the strings. It could very well be he was told: “Don’t show your face here again.” Ask yourself: WHY? AND in the event you conclude it’s because his family is disordered…see #1 above.

4. If relationships with grown children have been severed, listen carefully to what the narc says. There could always be one “bad seed” although I don’t believe bad seeds are born but made. Frequently there are a few “bad seeds” floating around, might even be ONE that he claims one of those “CRAZY WOMEN” tricked him into claiming as his own…all of them nonetheless with different “baby mammas” who have all been labeled “bi-polar” by the narc…again…it’s like math…FIND THE COMMON DENOMINATOR

5. If there is a history of a string of lost jobs, and in every job he was “fired” but it was “wrongful” termination – while it is common knowledge that psychopaths are everywhere…how many jobs can someone cycle through? Moreover, by 40 you’d think someone would have found a career…look for the holes in the Swiss cheese so to speak…usually the answer is somewhere in there.

6. If he’s in a rush to get the relationship moving, as in immediately…if he pressures you to move in, just can’t get enough of you…that’s called DESPERATION…he needs a pacifier, not a partner…while they both start with the letter “P” they are two completely different things…ONE is an OBJECT…

7. Understand that “Flattery” is for fools – if the key to your heart, lies in all the compliments and charm he’s using…RUN! When you get to slow down to catch your breath, check yourself and make sure you don’t need anyone’s validation to feel good about yourself. This will keep you safe. A very wise woman once said to me: “Whenever someone flatters me, I tell them “Keep stepping” I asked her why and she explained whenever someone uses flattery – they want something from you.”  It’s a true sign of a wolf in sheep’s clothing.

8. If they have no savings by middle age, and come with a collection of divorce certificates, child support decrees, and a bankruptcy…contact your nearest mental health professional to discover why you believe it is your duty and calling to rescue someone that has done and will continue to do a fine job of burying themselves alive. It is said that teenagers do dumb things because their brains are not fully developed until the age of 21; however, this is not appropriate behavior for a middle aged man.

9. If you still use a dustpan and broom and the dustpan is missing…you’ve just been gaslighted. Find his favorite pair of boxers, usually the pair with the holes in them and hide them in the cat litter box. Start making plans for your escape.

10. Finally, if this individual seems dark, if you have a bad gut feeling or something does not sit right with you early on…rely on your intuition…your gut rarely steers you wrong. No one is perfect, but in hindsight there hasn’t been one victim I’ve met that hasn’t said their gut wasn’t screaming. Our creator doesn’t use faxes, email or text messaging, but “it” gave us very a very good “radar” system. Learn to use it.

~Betty LaLuna

4 thoughts on “Steering Clear of Toxic Relationships

  1. This is so true about their toxic environment and how they grew up. I was too young to act on the red flags that popped up. His family was truly as dysfunctual as they get and I was thrown in there with no family or friends of my own. I moved from another country to be with him and he was the biggest charmer and manipulator. Very possessive and controlling and me completely naive and trusting.
    The father an abusive alcoholic to his wife and many children. I thought I was with the only normal one.
    25 years later and 3 children later he devalued and discarded me and the kids for another woman and told me I had been living in fantasy land.
    I was so used to his charming and controlling ways that I didn’t notice anything.
    He was very jealous of me and thought I was cheating. It all makes sense now.
    This has been the hardest year of my life, but I can understand it better now. All the signs were there, but I didn’t see them.
    Even though it is so hard to have been treated this way, especially when there are kids in their late teens involved, who are deeply affected by this, I think of this as a blessing now and that I have a chance to truely be me again and find a new life, one that is not controlled and honest.

    • Jennifer, I am so sorry to hear you experienced this, but I believe you have the right perspective in that now you do have a chance to be you and carve out an authentic life for yourself. I wish you all the best on your continued journey…continue to trust the process. Be blessed.

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