Musings on Life and Disappointments

I believe when we elect to walk upon a spiritual path, we become more in tune with the ‘lesson’ when things occur.  We spend a lot of time erroneously talking about our selfish rewards of someone else’s bad Karma when in our perception they’ve done us wrong and like to think we are bathed in nothing but good Karma.  That ain’t how it works!  I am currently on the remedial Buddhism 101 class, but I have learned that much.

This week’s ‘lesson’ has been about the significance of one’s word.  I have had several interactions where erroneously I assumed others valued their word as much as I value mine.  A friend lent me some money – well, let’s not call this individual a friend but someone I felt comfortable enough with cashing a chit.  This individual in the past has not demonstrated the ‘best’ of character but for some reason, my feelings have not culminated in ‘hate’.  I viewed this as ‘business’ more than a favor…and because I have done things for this person, it was a loan I could secure with amicable payment arrangements and no interest.  I shared with a friend I was going to borrow this money, and the friend suggested I just stiff the individual and while it would be nice to just have the cash no penalty and keep walking…it doesn’t matter to me that this person has committed some wrongs that have had a significant impact on me at times, what means more to me is my own personal honor and integrity.  Of course after ‘borrowing’ the money, I forgot about this person’s character for a minute and they went right back into their routine of flakiness…and that is okay!  They will still get their money back because what this person does or doesn’t do, won’t justify my committing a wrong – it’s not my place…it’s the universe’s…PERIOD.

If we’re gonna talk ‘karma’ we can’t half step.  Many of us erroneously do.  We feel harmed in some way and we go on a long tirade about how ‘hurt we are’ and ‘how evil, mean and nasty’ someone else is, we smear them, we do all kinds of things and then we sit there and wait for Karma to piss all over them forgetting that our actions can bring about an equally NASTY Karma…our words…gotta watch those words and what we put out there.  I haven’t elevated to: “Using the word”F#ck” will bring me bad Karma,” I justify it by saying:  “If it prevents me from bashing someone’s head in…it’s creating good Karma!”  Equally, I  realize I am deluding myself…this discipline is an all or nothing and the universe gets, we’re gonna have a number of errors along the way which is why it gave us ‘choice’…without choice we would not be able to learn…

Recently, there was an opportunity for my son to attend a selective program in the Arts and we got a scholarship for it.  It is eight hours away from my home.  Finances are extremely tight, oftentimes we get by on faith.  I know I am not alone in this scenario.  There were many blocks in my path despite the program being handed to us on a silver platter there was still work to do getting him there.  First his father offered to drive us up there, then he bailed.  Then there was a misunderstanding with someone who said they’d front me the money for the transportation flat-out just upped and changed their mind.  THEN they changed it again and fronted the ticket.  That worked because a friend offered to let me stay with them so all systems were go, the only stress I had was getting him packed.  That in and of itself had me half winded because I suffer from CFS so know that even with this trip there was going to be a consequence and so pacing was not even helping and because of my condition I am constantly on panic about crashing and relapsing.  Last minute, despite confirming with this friend, they bailed on me.  This left me totally at a crossroads as had I known this I could have made a different plan, one I could afford and one that was mapped out better.  After they bailed, I did the research and it would cost me at minimum seven hundred dollars!  A fee I had no way of anticipating I needed to plan for. Basically, it found me shit out of luck, this miracle I could not perform…

I could go on about all the things I could have done differently, and how this opportunity could still have happened, the opportunity eventually that might have found him with a scholarship for college but I am powerless.  Other people will not always give a shit about your shit it’s a fact of life…what can we do about it?  ACCEPT it.

On a deeper level however, I can’t help but wonder…is this the universe’s way of shouting at me?  Perhaps there is another plan?  Maybe it’s not meant for him to go?  Maybe this was the choice…the lesson.

It is hard knowing when to push and when to surrender…it’s very hard.  However, holding on to anger and resentment gets us nowhere.  NONETHELESS…in dealing with an NPD scenario while ultimately the goal is peace where I have a problem is how somehow we’re not taught that it’s okay to feel the feelings we have.  Was I angry at my friend?  Yes and I told her so – but she is human too and if I want the universe to shine some grace my way, I’ve got to bend with the flow as well.   I’ve got to work with it…is it messed up?  Yes; but so what?  I really don’t know if all systems were go if there would be an even greater “messed up“, so I roll the dice and interpret this as a cue and simply keep in mind that perhaps the lesson is not depending upon others 100 percent but maintain TRUST that no matter what things will work out the way they’re meant to work out…my job is to keep striving…

Please don’t get it twisted…I speak “F#ck” fluently, and think it’s cruel to try to suppress another person’s rage…as long as they’re not coming at me with an ax…I can handle someone needing to get it out.  In order to heal we have to get it out, I found this truth after experiencing a domestic violence situation (NPD abuse).  After an experience like that, we have to rant and rave so much and release all those toxins inside…early on, you don’t want to hear peace, most of us if we’re not conditioned want to rip the offender’s head off and crap down their neck once it clicks what exactly just happened and how nowhere in any of the relationship was love part of the equation…I get it – boy do I get it…

Nonetheless, if this post helped with any perspective – the best I can offer is that there is hope, and I opine that when we are faced with disappointments whether large or small scale, it is really the universe calling out to us saying:  “It’s time to change…I’ve given you cue’s you’re not getting it, so I am going to break you down…then I’m going to give you a choice and you can decide if you wish to rebuild or not.”  There isn’t necessarily a right or wrong choice but the beauty is, on this path we call life, we are given an abundance of opportunities…it’s a matter of being open to them…over time, and upon reflection, you might even recognize that while you ‘thought’ you were on a rescue mission, ‘saving’ someone from whatever demons caused them to act out…you were actually being rescued…

ADDENDUM:

Two weeks later my son came home…a negative event occurred, he was powerless over the outcome, a bullying situation where his character was misjudged.  All along that lil voice inside told me “NO.” I made the mistake of listening to others, who told me when I shared I thought it was a sign, I was superstitious.  the Universe UPPED the ante, I still did not listen.  We were spared.   He made it home safely but things certainly could have turned out worse.  The creator intervened on our behalf once more despite my not ‘listening’ and using the ‘gifts’ he gave us as women…intuition, connecting to source, really listening, observing and taking in the cues.  He certainly does speak, and when he does, it is clear as day and loud enough but oftentimes we dismiss it…we’re lucky when we scrape by and it’s just egg on the face.  I am thankful…

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