How a Relationship with a Narcissist Brought Me to Greater Spritual Awareness

Some of you may know me from another journey that involved recovering from ambient abuse by someone I believe suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or perhaps he’s an undiagnosed Sociopath (most Sociopaths are fluttering about wreaking havoc and destroying others completely undiagnosed) with high NPD traits…or maybe he’s a borderline (I really don’t think so if only because Borderlines CAN love but their fear of abandonment causes them to act like sociopaths when triggered).  Needless to say, more people need to understand the depth of the damage someone on the Axis II Cluster B spectrum can do.

It’s hard to segue way into the realm of spirituality without a little bit of background I presume and I have often shared with others I believed wholeheartedly that some form of spiritual supplication would be necessary in order to beat this if only because in the aftermath of such abuse, one is literally rendered temporarily insane EVEN if not professionally labeled so…and the isolation and intensity of the distress is exacerbated because it’s easy to explain a breakup but most don’t quite ‘GET’  “We broke up because he’s an incurable sociopath” – especially when he cast the illusion of being such a ‘nice guy’…*sigh*

The trauma and the gaping hole this kind of psychological assault leaves on a target is difficult to explain…trauma is oftentimes MISdiagnosed as bipolar disorder and many therapists don’t understand the dynamics either, and so many victims are left wandering lost in the  vortex of the abyss  – desperately clinging to online support forums for some answer, method or process to help them heal.  Unfortunately, where victims roam so do predators and in my personal experience, while it was helpful to vent and share and learn from others, at a certain point, some of the forums themselves I witnessed also engaged in re-victimization.  Simply said, there are some who operate forums not for altruistic reasons but rather because the audience feeds their narcissistic egos…it takes time to see this and in the early stages, one is totally lost and so they grab in desperation for whatever they can find and hold on for dear life.

The truth is online you can be dealing with anyone, you really don’t know who sits behind the other end of the computer screen and so my best advice is to be cautious with what you share if you find that you must use an online support forum until you gain your footing and understand the dynamics, and even then I would not seek to make ‘friends’ online but rather use it for a place to learn without expecting any particular ‘bond’ of friendship.  Much of what goes on online is also an illusion – people have the ability to morph into anything they like and given today’s climate, it’s not worth the risk especially when one is in such a vulnerable position.  Validation can be achieved even when playing the spectator until you know for sure who and what you are dealing with.  It goes without saying you should also be wary of ‘clicks’ and ‘trolls.’

I have found those who were able to work on their own independently and really dig for information in order to “OWN” the facts fared much better…I have witnessed there are some years later still frequenting the same forums just as lost and lingering as the first day they joined…although I presume it is possible they could also be paid plants /trolls used to generate interest and keep the momentum going – although given the dark nature of the topic at hand, I find it hard to imagine.  Two years ago, I did not know all I know today about pathology.   It is painful to witness victims still so lost and hurting (assuming they’re genuine), the cognitive dissonance winning out over ownership of the facts. In my estimation, there are no rescues, we can only save ourselves.

One of the most difficult aspects to contend with coming out of this type of abusive relationship is the ANGER and rapid fluctuations of mood – from extreme sadness and despair to pure unadulterated RAGE which can come to the surface in even the most gentle and passive of individuals…I really cannot paint a clear enough picture for someone who hasn’t dealt with this, of course one would actually have to experience this kind of abuse in order to truly understand; however, ANGER is a very complex emotion.  At the end of my journey I realized most of my anger while legitimate was predominantly PROJECTION as it was easier to point fingers at him rather than admit I was really angrier with myself – EVEN THOUGH the truth was, the anger was more something that ‘JUST WAS’ as the facts as best as I can share them regarding my own personal experience is that I was not to blame I was very much a ‘victim’ that had been targeted by a pathological but in some respects, despite his deplorable ‘EVIL’ behavior, neither was he…and that is where I disagree with some of the support forums EVEN THOUGH I encourage a very generous and abundant release and venting of that anger as long as it is not harmful to self or others…I don’t see how encouraging obsessional pointing of fingers at all their evil really encourages growth.  Encouraging the venting of anger is completely understandable; however, with that re-direction must also be provided as given the magnitude of this type of trauma, the anger can very well go on for life if one is not taught other methods of ‘coping’ and/or processing as well as  offering various options in perspective that would allow an individual to feel they can regain their own brand of ‘power’ depending upon their own personal conclusions after some work on healing has been done.

Allow me to clarify further my position on anger…

Many view “Anger” as a negative and destructive emotion…”Tabu,” “Dark,”  “Bad,” “Evil,” and people are made uncomfortable by it; we are molded to suppress it and ‘make nice’…in actuality, ANGER is an emotion that the creator gave us…one just as legitimate as “LOVE”.  It was given to us for protection.  Our greatest challenge when dealing with anger is learning how to effectively channel it so that it does not become a destructive force…(CHOICE).  However, choice cannot come into play until one understands.  In the case of C-PTSD, we may not even have the luxury of anger, we may be dealing with RAGE in the RAW…Therein lies the blueprint for the ‘spiritual’ journey.  Make no mistake, the epiphany does not happen magically overnight.  I spent many nights having major blowouts with my creator…and I have yet to pray for the offender but have oftentimes found myself repeating the mantra: “Lord have Mercy! Take this THING outta me!” The recovery can be likened to a grief process except in your human flaws you find yourself asking:  “If this is grief, why isn’t HE DEAD yet!!?” If you’re NOT a pathological yourself, then your conscience gets the better of you and you find yourself back at “Forgive me, BUT take it outta me!” and round and round it goes…

It’s important that I explain, this blog is not going to strictly address spirituality in light of an experience with a Sociopath; however, it serves to shed some light on the background on HOW I got to this point and share some of the experiences I had and continue to have which reinforce my faith.  When I use the term God…I mean a God of your understanding and wholeheartedly accept that my words are not based on any spiritual law or fact, apparition nor do I lay any claim to receiving a fax from the Creator that I have been rendered “The Chosen One” although I do believe we’ve all been chosen regardless of where our life path has taken us.  Instead, this blog is a journaling of my quest as I continue to search for meaning and deeper truths.

I recently learned that my position may be labeled or described as my being a “Universalist” but I’m not sticking to any one label UNTIL I believe beyond a reasonable doubt I can defend my reasons for any particular position…which are unique to me, fully respecting every individuals (God) given right to choice, and that their calling may be an entirely different experience.

Getting back to anger and in my case…an experience with a possible sociopath…early in my journey, instinctively I had this feeling that the key for my getting past the ANGER lied in owning the facts of the disorder and just like anyone who is ill, or was sick, my only option was to try to detach with some type of compassion simply so that my anger would not consume me.  We have empathy for cancer patients, we don’t disown them or hate them because they get sick and sometimes die leaving us feeling abandoned. We have compassion for others who struggle with various mental illnesses…take for example a Skitzophrenic who hears a voice to inflict some form of harm.  If a skitzophrenic walked up to me an punched me in the face, I certainly would not like it and would suffer injury – maybe even a lifelong injury; however, having compassion and empathy, while it would take time to heal from the trauma and the physical injury, most I presume would be able to understand the conditions which led to the assault.  Going a step further, lets assume at the time the skitzophrenic engaged in such violence due to not being medicated, there is a sense that some form of empathy would eventually rise to the surface and if said perpetrator also expressed some form of remorse for their actions, that would go even further towards being able to have compassion.  I often found myself wondering if I could have a clear conscience vilifying someone who to a certain extent really did not have any control over who or what they turned out to be.  Being able to own that or come to some kind of conclusion is what turned out to be the monumental struggle.  Regardless of how heinous the acts, in some respects, this person was powerless over their disorder.  Just like we can’t prove matters biblical, when you delve into medicine, science, and the DSM, at the end of the day it’s ALL theory and we can only know what is theorized…NOTHING has been proven.  There are pictures of the brains of psychopaths and proof that something is not wired correctly; a broken brain in my world and a picture of it is enough proof for me, yet on forums, this would create a cacophony of challenges whenever I presented my position.  Many encouraging ANGER, hatred, and disdain for these individuals and outright shutting down the exploration and discussion of such a notion.  I found that time and a lot of energy was spent trying to dissect the nuances between psychopaths and sociopaths (the terms are synononymous), Whether said disordered individuals were aware of what they were,  What made their minds tick, EVERYTHING other than HOW best to get back onto self.  A thread with 40 responses would appear addressing a question or a comment and two hours later, someone else would chime in and ask the same question and it became an oversaturation of darkness and misery rather than the kind of support which serves to help guide someone towards a healthier path.  With this type of situation, because it is so inconceivable to the ‘normal’ person’s mind that someone like this could exist…someone lacking in empathy, compassion, someone totally UNable to love regardless of circumstances, someone who I was noted for saying:  Could watch you drown and eat a cheeseburger – it was hard to comprehend and process, and thus repetition served to help break the cognitive dissonance yet at the same time, I found simultaneously it also served to keep me trapped unable to climb out of the abyss…I needed the help and I needed the support; however, when I turned the corner and was approaching another stage of recovery, I wanted to run from it, and yet I was still too weak to hold my own and so I began to notice a type of ‘addiction’ began to form and when it took a turn in that direction it began to feel unhealthy – it became a substitution to fill the ‘void’ I felt as a result of the devaluation and discard.  There is no growth or greater clarity when one feels they are traveling in a circle it began to feel like some form of cult like brainwashing and this I can in hindsight only conclude is the downfall of lay people attempting to play mental health professional.  Peer support is one thing, laying claim to expertise when one is not a licensed mental health professional, steering individuals in certain directions, is not peer support, it is jockeying for ego strokes.  It is important that those who seek to lead truly have had their own healing firmly in place or else it develops into a case of the blind leading the deaf, neither can progress unless and until one steps away.

In hindsight, I’d like to make clear, my experience on online support forums wasn’t necessarily one hundred percent a negative experience, I did learn a lot and it served its temporary purpose but what saved me was when I elected to branch out on my own and dance to the beat of my own drum.  One of the key things I needed to understand was that contrary to what I had been led to believe my whole life was that ANGER was okay; however, my initial thought as it related to compassion for the individual who abused me was not necessarily wrong.   I needed to experience the PROCESS, rather than simply trying to gloss over it – I DID need to take a walk with ANGER, I did need to eat it, sleep with it, wake up with it and walk around with it and PURGE it totally rather than put a little band-aid on it and call it HEALED; however, when immersed in that kind of environment for an extended period of time, the same elements that were once considered a positive over time become over saturated and negative. This is what I believe thwarts healing when one elects to use online forums as their sole source of support, unless they are motivated to spend an equal amount of time doing their own independent research. Online forums are not designed in such a manner to address the myriad of stages that victims go through and so after a while, it becomes a cesspool of negativity and rumination rather than accelerating growth and healing.  If more forum moderators understood this, and designed their forums more appropriately I believe their efforts could be optimized.  When struggling with feelings of empathy towards the ‘disordered’ one, in the midst of protests for my daring to even explore that path, someone did provide an analogy that made a lot of sense.  She said:  “It’s sort of like a trapped raccoon.  You can feel empathy for its plight and understand it is a creature of God’s…BUT you don’t want to put your hand anywhere near that cage.”  That was probably the BEST advice I got in all of my experience as an online support forum member.

About mid-way through my journey, I began to explore Theosophy.  I am fully aware that in some circles, Theosophy gets a bad rap…in some circles it’s labeled a cult; however, by definition, if we were to examine Religion at face value…ALL Religions are cults.  For me, it was a matter of taking what applies and leaving the rest.

While dabbling in Theosophy, what spoke to me was the following:

“It is this very law of Karma which gives strength to all that I have said. The individual cannot separate himself from the race, nor the race from the individual. The law of Karma applies equally to all, although all are not equally developed. In helping on the development of others, the Theosophist believes that he is not only helping them to fulfil their Karma, but that he is also, in the strictest sense, fulfilling his own. It is the development of humanity, of which both he and they are integral parts, that he has always in view, and he knows that any failure on his part to respond to the highest within him retards not only himself but all, in their progressive march. By his actions, he can make it either more difficult or more easy for humanity to attain the next higher plane of being.” The Key to Theosophy Section 12

THE SOUL…what this experience did regardless of how traumatic and devastating, and no matter how angry I was…or how BROKEN I was…it FORCED me to begin to seek  answers…the only way I could make sense of it was to conclude that God wasn’t personality disordered and got some joy out of my suffering but rather, HE had a ‘task’ or ‘lesson’ for me.  Slowly somehow it seems I was led to places I never explored before, thoughts began to spark that didn’t make any sense to me but seek I did for answers and their meaning…in this process, I was a walking powder keg; however, it was part of the process, I was being broken down in order to be built back up and the choice was mine to decide WHAT I was going to do with the ‘experience’.  I did what the creator asked each of us to do…LOVE and I did so without conditions; however, when the relationship became harmful then love for self no matter how painful it was to detach was equally honorable in the eyes of the creator…the challenge was learning how to do so without attempting to destroy the one who caused harm…it was a test of character and a calling to faith.

SURRENDER…

What a concept…surrender what?

There is nothing more hypnotic than the psychopathic bond…NOTHING…except it’s based on NOTHING…it’s an illusion – NO BOND exists.  Facing this not just on the level of realizing someone faked an entire relationship…but the feeling of violation…emotionally, spiritually, sexually – you don’t just feel cheated…you feel RAPED…you feel DIRTY, you feel VIOLATED, and you question everything you EVER believed about humanity…and God, and the Universe…and the experience tends to trigger ANYTHING and EVERYTHING that has ever traumatized you…and yes, I’ve been humbled and fully understand, in a majority of cases, TRAUMA isn’t always all that special either…we all carry trauma of some form or another, some more, some less than others but we all have “Baggage”…it was this inability to justify how I could feel so utterly lost and abandoned, traumatized, denigrated, devalued and discarded by someone who so expertly put on this act…of being able to love so ‘wholly’ so ‘purely’ and so ‘unconditionally’…a psychopathic bond feels like a SOUL connection and that is why it is so deceptive.  Then again, if you believe in soul contracts, perhaps it WAS a soul connection.

It is such a complicated matter to explain, I could go on in encyclopedic volumes and still – the average person will not even begin to understand this…suffice to say it takes your entire world, and turns it upside down and the target is left at a loss for words…the experience left me literally MUTE for a month…I could speak but not without crying from the deepest depths I had ever known…and who knew?  Before this, I had no idea whatsoever that these ‘people’ walk the earth…the media does not do this topic any justice and has harmed the masses by such an inaccurate portrayal.  We see fictional characters like Hannibal Lecter, or the occasional news story featuring the Jeffrey Dahmers and Charles Mansons of the world.  We don’t think it’s possible our Mailman, the bus driver, the guy at the deli, the cable guy or our child’s teacher could possibly be a Psychopath…but they can…and they exist, and they walk amongst us…EVERYDAY.  It is said 4 percent of the American Population is a psychopath…roughly 12 million in America alone…I survived one…

It was a force outside of myself that brought me through…via others who showed me the way along with a lot of digging and soul searching and venting, and writing, and purging, and creating…I plugged into any and all outlets I could find…it took two years, and I still am not sure of the depth of the Trauma…I feel ‘better’ however, when your world has been rocked this way it does leave a scar and ‘triggers’ can very well surface at any time.  What you do learn from this is how to set boundaries and how to trust your intuition more as the gift the universe has given you for protection.  Today I listen…and oftentimes I find I am guided places that I normally would not consider but when I follow I find that there is some form of ‘divine’ intervention providing for some ‘need’ that I have…it’s hard to explain but ‘spirit’ has shown me in various ways that I need to lean into it more and with that will come blessings of protection – throughout this journey miracles have occurred which to the average person may not seem ‘grand’ in scale; however, obstacles have somehow been removed and things that normally would not have been that easy to achieve have simply fallen into my lap…I learned to ask…and to relinquish control, and accept when the answer is NO…trusting that it is indeed for my higher good.

In order to do away with the anger that was poisoning my soul and thwarting my peace, I had to mute the voices of those who claimed to have the answers and I had to dig deep within myself, and I kept asking and praying, and seeking and slowly but surely things were revealed to me.  Not in a manner so as to imply I got a message that I must share with the world as to the direction of “THE WAY to THE LIGHT” but a message that was custom designed for me.  If there is any message that is meant to be shared, my only conjecture is  it might be: “BE STILL AND LISTEN and IT WILL BE REVEALED” the “IT” subjective…

I spent time viewing spiritual leaders, and of course researching them…many of course were attached to scandals of one flavor or another.  That did not sit right with me…not so much because I felt they should be judged for being human, but instead for what appeared to be hypocrisy standing in front of an audience laying claim to some supreme divine inspiration, when behind closed doors, they were in essence just as FLAWED as me, yet they spoke with such ownership of authority…that is what led me down the path to understanding that EVERYONE has the ability and the power to tap into spirit and utilize the power their creator gave them…

Genesis 1:26 says:  “Then God said, “Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness; and let them rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky and over the cattle and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.
– New American Standard Version (1995)

In this context…it is revealed that WE have the power because WE were made in their image…a combination of flesh and spirit…according to OUR likeness (GOD included)…we were given that power, along with CHOICE…

Matthew 1:7-6

Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.”

With the narcissist, or the sociopath or whatever he is…in the early stages of recovery, a very natural part of the process was venting and getting the anger out so there was alot of the “He did this, he said that, he XYZ…HEHEHE!…” It WAS a form of judgement.  When we speak of the dynamic of a narcissist mirroring an individual, the euphoria or the ‘high’ experienced, the illusion of the bond that exists, that overwhelming sense of a ‘spiritual connection’ or whatever word you wish to use to describe it…it actually was our good and our ‘power’ and intense ability to love being REFLECTED back to us…that is why it seemed so perfect, a ‘soul’ connection – we were briefly experiencing an intense connection with SELF with the Narcissist as ‘surrogate’…but equally we were providing a source of supply and filling a ‘desperate’ need the narcissist had…on some level, it actually was a SOUL connection, perhaps even a contract…nothing about this was serendipity…failing to realize this, continuing unaware would have left me stuck; however, in order to put all of this in perspective, I had to search high and low for an answer integrating ‘spiritual’ and metaphysical laws and ideas.  When one takes a wider view, just as in philosophy connections are made…I began to conclude that the answer, the solution, the cure, or the remedy…HEALING was not in continuing to cast stones, but rather search for the reason WHY I ended up in this situation…on the earthly plane there were many ‘obvious’ reasons, which led me to question even more…WHYS…but when I chose to stop ruminating that is when the distress began to dissipate.  For a time, I also dabbled in Buddhism…”Life is Suffering”…just focusing on that Noble Truth alone did much to humble me…I was ‘special’ and yet, NO…I wasn’t…

Romans 12: 16-19

Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight. Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.”

I really wanted vengeance but I was too shell-shocked and occupied with getting off the floor from this blow to even have time to execute a plan!…but the creator spoke to me in this verse and said:  “You did your part, you loved, you did as you were told…it didn’t turn out the way YOU planned, but don’t worry, I got this…”

Galations 6:1-6

Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. For if anyone thinks he is something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself. But let each one test his own work, and then his reason to boast will be in himself alone and not in his neighbor. For each will have to bear his own load“….

He also spoke to me and said:  DO YOU…nevermind the disordered one, I created him, he’s mine to own and deal with…I brought him in, I’ll take him out on my terms, you don’t own him, handle your own BIZNESS and let ME handle the rest…for all his grandiosity and ego, that’s for me to handle ‘CHECK YOURSELF’…

1 Peter 3:8-12

Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind. Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing. For “Whoever desires to love life and see good days, let him keep his tongue from evil and his lips from speaking deceit; let him turn away from evil and do good; let him seek peace and pursue it. For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and his ears are open to their prayer. But the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.

“He may smear you, he may lie about you, he may do a number of things, but if you trust in me, I will have your back…I’m giving you my word, I will handle it…release it”…which meant, I had to get off the loop of badmouthing him, even though it was such a delicious release if even in my delusions I called it ‘healing’…what it was in fact was continued rumination and it served no purpose other than keeping me stuck…OH but it did take a lot of time to learn this lesson…perhaps a soul contract?  I was equally comforted in feeling somehow intuitively that a lot of this was all part of a bigger plan to lead me to a higher level of spiritual understanding…but the growth would not take place until I CHOSE to surrender.

2 Timothy 2:21-23 “Therefore, if anyone cleanses himself from what is dishonorable, he will be a vessel for honorable use, set apart as holy, useful to the master of the house, ready for every good work. So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart. Have nothing to do with foolish, ignorant controversies; you know that they breed quarrels.”

I understood this to mean that as long as I detached, and did no harm in the process, I would be elevated and used in some capacity to give some value to the experience, but in order to do that I had to also begin a journey of spiritual seeking in order to be led.

2 Timothy 3:5-6

Having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people. For among them are those who creep into households and capture weak women, burdened with sins and led astray by various passions,”

He told me very clearly…DETACH the “Man” is no good…(for you)

Proverbs 19: 1-29

Better is a poor person who walks in his integrity than one who is crooked in speech and is a fool. Desire without knowledge is not good, and whoever makes haste with his feet misses his way. When a man’s folly brings his way to ruin, his heart rages against the Lord. Wealth brings many new friends, but a poor man is deserted by his friend. A false witness will not go unpunished, and he who breathes out lies will not escape“….

Oh, now this gets really deep for me, as the narcissist quickly attached to another target within two weeks of our breaking up, if not while we were together.  Within a month they were allegedly living together.  I can’t explain the cognitive dissonance I experienced over this as I did hold out and expected a reasonable amount of courtship (almost a year) despite his attempts at rushing into things, and for all I thought we “had” POOF! He was onto the next one.  I first had to accept this is what they do…they become whatever you want them to be but their nature is predatory – they seek wealth, status, image, and so his rapid flight into yet another relationship had nothing to do with me but rather his desperate need to feed.  This woman does not appear to have the same qualities as I – and I do not seek to judge her; however, from how it looks on an earthly plane, she was perfect bait…for a number of reasons.  That being said however, the issue has nothing to do with comparisons, but rather understanding that despite whatever factors exist that can be explained via pathology, the bottom line is that while he may be seeking wealth and has secured supply which will create that illusion, it is immaterial as the bottom line…he may be ahead of the game today, but at some point he will be held accountable and it is in my best interests I focus on making sure I don’t qualify to be by his side when that happens.

See also:  What Does the Bible Say About Narcissistic Behavior?

As I mentioned before, I am not committed to any particular “formal” religion.  I believe in God, who I sometimes call the creator, or “The Universe” but whatever God is, the GOD of my understanding is LOVE which is why I equally believe LOVE is the answer.  In my limited walk with Theosophy which I have concluded is actually the ‘blueprint’ for the principles of the ‘Secret’ modified and tweaked for contemporary market appeal, there was talk of ‘planes.’  The reason why I have a challenge committing to organized Christianity is because in the Bible it clearly states:  BEWARE of the PHILOSOPHERS, and yet, the philosophers are the ones who question.  I cannot rectify YET why my creator would give me a brain better than the best high tek computer out there, yet NOT want me to use it to further my understanding which would eventually reinforce if not cement my faith – if I in fact, ‘doubted’…who on this plane has been given the authority to state what is right and what is wrong?  Even IF I committed to the Bible, it clearly says:  DO NOT JUDGE (and yes it also says have faith, but I do have faith, I am simply refusing to follow man and his interpretation of how things went down and how I need to follow it)…I have asked to be led and it is a work in progress.  Perhaps the experience with the sociopath WAS the catalyst for that journey to commence…TIME will tell.

The real key to my personal healing was recognizing and owning to a certain extent my own powerless and the necessity of surrender.  I could obsessively read journals on the disordered ones, and understand all the facts, and troll forums that did nothing but discuss this – and I could literally do it for the rest of my life spinning my wheels in search of answers.  There are thousands upon thousands of websites devoted to this – but for me, the long and the short of it, was first educating myself about what transpired on the earthly plane then seeking the ‘lesson’…and while there were one set of answers to the “Why” on the earthly plane, there was another answer out there which so far I have been able to cement is a soul journey…I believe when you take all of organized religion and clump it all together, in principle give or take a few nuances, they all essentially say the same thing. Most have a Deity that is all-knowing and all-powerful then there is a representative on the earthly plane.  It was said Jesus was a mystic, as was Mohammed…these were men in the flesh that had a special connection, a stronger connection to source than a majority of mankind and they were here on earth to serve as teachers. I do not doubt the existence of Jesus, or his abilities or his gifts, but I do have reservations about what appears to be man’s demand that I follow his version of TRUTH on the basis of, well – because he said so.  I believe spirit will touch me and lead me to truth in HIS time and on his terms all I can do be willing to follow his lead as he continues to speak to me.

As for the Narcissist, I as a human ‘justify’ calling him evil – albeit that may be a judgement and I continue to seek source on the clarification as to proper closure.  For now, I have concluded that his soul, is just as valuable as mine and has a purpose…perhaps symbiotically we both had something to teach each other, his lesson or his punishment, not necessarily my business.  What spirit revealed to me was that if I was going to be saved, my number one priority HAD to be Surrender.  When I did, I experienced peace…and I’ll go out on a limb and even say ‘Grace’…

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